junmeicel

Small warnings for blood, (obviously), mentions of vomiting, Jun Wu being cruel, and violence

Rated M, but the ending leads into something more explicit (it cuts off before anything too erotic happens)

It was foolish, truly foolish to believe that his feet could carry him fast enough. He couldn’t hear Jun Wu, he couldn’t feel his hands upon his wrists, but the sensation of him only being steps behind him was weighing on Mei NianQing. Weighing upon his body so heavily he felt himself begin to slow down.

He stopped for a moment, leaning against an abandoned home on the outskirts of XianLe. The wood had long since rotted and been forgotten. Now, it was used as something for Mei NianQing to lean against to catch his breath.

Truly a mistake that cost him his life.

One moment, he was catching his breath. Believing himself to be safe enough to relax. The next, he was slammed into a wall that was far more firm than the rotten wood looked.

Mei NianQing shouted out in pain but what little it did. The man gripping the back of his head, the man who yanked at his hair, the man that spoke with far more hatred than empathy in his voice was none other than the man he was running from: Jun Wu.

“How far must I chase you till you realize it’s all in vain?” Jun Wu pushed Mei NianQing’s face deeper into the grain of the wooden wall. Practically making him taste the history that was engraved into each scratch of the home.

Mei NianQing tried to speak yet his jaw was in far too much pain to move. He knew it was bound to bruise tomorrow if he lived after tonight. Yet, with how it seemed, there was no telling what was to become of him.

“How have you not become exhausted by this game we play,” Jun Wu continued. Moving his hand to grip Mei NianQing’s shoulder so he could turn him around and slam him against the wall. Moving in closer to smother him. To suffocate him like a hand around his neck.

“How long must this go on, head priest? Do you even go by such a title anymore, or have you been stripped of that name after running away from yet another kingdom. Yet another crown prince.”

Mei NianQing didn’t dare speak. His jaw still ached. His mouth still shook. Even his entire body trembled beneath the grip of the god before him. Yet, he knew that whatever he might say would be thrown back at him with even more bitterness than before.

“If a shackle won’t aid in me keeping track of you, surely another method will.”

Mei NianQing watched as Jun Wu raised his hand, far too many times had he felt the arm around his neck. Far too many times had he felt his breath taken from him. Seeing the hand raise up once more, only then had he begun to thrash and move. Trying once more to escape which only made the hand upon his shoulder tighten even more. So close to drawing blood or tearing a muscle.

Jun Wu didn’t say anything, nothing needed to be said as he could see the visible fear in Mei NianQing’s eyes. In how he moved and looked around for any chance of escaping.

He raised his hand to his sharpened jade armor, Jun Wu’s other hand was far too occupied in keeping Mei NianQing contained to draw a sword. For now, he sliced his hand across the dragon head that sat upon his shoulder. Scarlet bleeding into the beautifully crafted armor. Such a color stood out, dripping into his robes and somehow looking ethereal even then.

The sight of blood dripping from Jun Wu’s hand made Mei NianQing stop for a moment. His erratic movement paused for a moment as he and Jun Wu both watched the crimson liquid drip onto the ground. A sight of a god bleeding, the sight of a god harming himself. Such a thing wasn’t even written in tales by believers who hated the gods.

Jun Wu didn’t say a thing. If Mei NianQing dared to make a comment, he would have gripped his neck just to silence him like he always did. If he dared to laugh, he would have ripped his tongue out. If he had dared to weep, he would have laughed at his poor attempt to pity him.

For a moment, it felt peaceful between the two. Jun Wu didn’t move and Mei NianQing didn’t fight back. It was as if they were young and inexperienced once more. When they both went under different names and Jun Wu hadn’t despised the world yet. When Mei NianQing wasn’t a coward before the man he devoted himself to since his youth.

Yet, such peace didn’t last long when Jun Wu was around.

With Mei NianQing’s mouth slightly hung open from exerting himself, Jun Wu took it as his chance to force him to taste his blood. Pressing the palm of his hand against his lips as if he was feeding him fruit from the vine and not essence from his veins.

It was disgusting. The taste was far too rich and the fact it was being forced into his mouth didn’t help Mei NianQing’s pleasure in it. He kicked and hit Jun Wu’s arms but found it to be in vain as the armor only ended up protecting Jun Wu and hurting him instead.

“You might be the first to experience the taste of a god and yet you thrash around as if it tastes like rotten meat in your mouth. Even now, I disgust you? Even now, you are repulsed by me?”

Jun Wu forced Mei NianQing to taste more of him. He noticed Mei NianQing had become paler and paler, his eyes had become clouded, he was bound to pass out from lack of oxygen soon. Only when he saw Mei NianQing’s knees begin to weaken did Jun Wu take his hand away. Knowing he had digested enough blood to control a whole army.

Mei NianQing fell forward into Jun Wu as he coughed up as much blood as he could. His throat tightened and even an excess of saliva came as he felt the sensation of puking consume him more and more. He pushed himself back so he could have space to vomit but Jun Wu grabbed at his arms, not letting have privacy even from something he created.

Mei NianQing turned his head as he puked up nothing but stomach acid. The blood was already in his system, warming his veins and making his body weak. The hands of Jun Wu that gripped his arms made him far too aware and unaware at the same time. He couldn’t understand what was going on around him yet felt everything all at once.

“How overdramatic you are,” Jun Wu said, finally releasing Mei NianQing and letting him stand on his own. Yet, Mei NianQing’s legs buckled under his own weight, sending him falling to the ground. His hands landed in his own vomit, smearing into the grass.

Mei NianQing felt himself become warm, not as if he ran across the palace of XianLe in order to look for his disciple. This was a warmth he had sworn off long ago. One that crept into his dreams late at night when he was caught staring at the paintings of the Heavenly Emperor for too long. A heat that made him feel like a teenager in love with a young prince who he was to serve, but instead had such lustful dreams of.

He felt an ache creep into his body, not one of pain or discomfort, but one of desire. An ache between his legs that was all too obvious between the two of them at this moment.

“How quickly you become affected,” Jun Wu taunted. Walking beside Mei NianQing, circling him as if he was a bird wishing to pick up what scraps might be left behind. His robes trailed behind him, drug across the dirt yet somehow refusing to become soiled and muddied. Compared to Mei NianQing who was sweating and shaking, it was a stark difference that one might have laughed at.

“What have you done to me,” Mei NianQing asked. Finally speaking and finding his words to be brittle and cracked. His tone wavered and went silent in the few things he said, a pitiful display for a man who prided himself on dignity and respect.

Jun Wu didn’t answer. He chose to not answer. The question hung in the air between them. Becoming set in stone before the thought of it being answered even traveled through Jun Wu’s mind.

Instead of responding, Jun Wu chose to show him.

Mei NianQing found himself standing on his weakened legs, he hadn’t done it himself. A force he couldn’t see forced him upright. Forgetting the heat that was aching beneath him, he used his own strength that was left to cover the front of his robes.

“You act as though I didn’t already see it, that I didn’t purposefully send a rush of blood to that area.” Jun Wu grabbed Mei NianQing’s hands and moved them away. He stood before him, nearly standing on his feet as he was so close. Their breaths mingled with one another. The display looked almost serene if not for the events that lead to it.

“All of it, I wish to see all of it. I wish for you to tell me all of what you’re feeling. I wish…I wish for,” Jun Wu’s voice trailed off. Growing quieter the longer he stared at Mei NianQing’s face from so close up. So close that Jun Wu could see blemishes that he hadn’t seen from moments ago.

“What do I feel,” Mei NianQing responded, his voice soft just as Jun Wu’s was. Quiet and gentle, acting as though others were around to hear them. That someone was within the abandoned home Jun Wu had him leaning against.

“I feel…appalled at how sick you truly are. At how perverted and cruel you are. That is what I am feeling.”

Jun Wu’s gentle expression immediately turned into a frown. He pushed back at Mei NianQing and stepped back as if his skin was suddenly scalding hot. Mutters of ‘how unfortunate, how ungrateful’ fell from his lips.

“Am I to be joyous over what you have fed me?! Tell me, who would feel grateful at blood being forced down their throat? Not only is it unsanitary, unsafe, it is inhumane to do such—“

“Enough!”

As if commanded by a strange force once more, Mei NianQing’s mouth suddenly shut. His words dying out mid sentence as he touched his own lips. Trying to pry open what he had left to say.

“I prayed you had become more docile with your age but who am I to get what I wish for,” Jun Wu said, sighing as he rubbed at his temple. “If you can’t act docile, even with my blood coursing through your body, I will make you.”

He knew he wouldn’t get far, he knew it would only make matters worse, but Mei NianQing was desperate. As desperate as he always was. When his fingers were pressed into Jun Wu’s eyes, making the god cry out and pause in his own words—Mei NianQing took it as his chance to flee once more. To run as that’s all he had known.

Mei NianQing had gotten farther than expected. The realization he had put distance between him and Jun Wu had soon become apparent in his mind. Such a realization wasn’t good. It wasn’t relieving. It made Mei NianQing all the more terrified. Jun Wu had known where he was, he was simply toying with him.

As if reading his mind, Jun Wu grabbed Mei NianQing from what could only be explained as the shadows. His touch was more gentle than before, yet far more firm as if he didn’t want him to run away for the umpteenth time.

“Again with this game of running around, have I not already said I’ve grown tired of this,” Jun Wu said, yanking at Mei NianQing’s arm. “All this running, and you won’t get far. You could run across the mortal realm, end up in the demon realm, perhaps somehow find a way into the heavenly realm and hide within my palace, but I will still find you.”

Jun Wu’s hand came up from behind, his chin rested on Mei NianQing’s shoulder as he gazed up at him. One arm gripped his wrist while the other laid across his stomach. Fingers pressing into his skin through the layers of robes until Mei NianQing audibly let out a gasp of air.

“For as long as a piece of me is within you, festering and tainting the inside of your body, I will always find you. I will always know where you are. I will always catch you, no matter how far you run off.”

Mei NianQing couldn’t find the words to reply. As if what said was true, he felt the aching desire return once more. Far stronger than before. The sensation caused him to curl forward and bite his lip. Holding what was left of his dignity to not cry out.

“Your body opens up to me, why can’t your mind do the same?” Jun Wu presses a hand lower, trailing down yet daring not to touch what was between his legs. Teasing him despite everything he had done.

buckle in for a quick lesson to comprehend the true extent of 2000+ years of yearning:

梅念卿 (mei nianqing) is the alias that guoshi made up in order to become the xianle guoshi. the character for the last name, 梅 (mei), means plum blossoms, and we will get back to it at the end.

念卿 (nianqing) is his chosen given name. the first character, 念 (nian), means "to miss [someone/something], "to yearn/pine, or long for."

for both of those definitions, 念 is most often used as 想念 and 思念

it's quite on the nose, but there aren't really any other interpretations for the first character. however, 卿 (qing) is where it gets super interesting. there are several common usages/meanings associated with the character 卿.

the first is used as a well-known form of address by an emperor towards a close lord or advisor—爱卿 . for those of you who have a bit of background in chinese, you might recognize 爱 as the character for love, but i do have to caution it doesn't have hold romantic suggestion in the typical historical usage (ie. non danmei historical setting). 爱卿 is really just a an affectionate way of referring to an emperor's subordinate that shows trust and closeness, like a very royally sophisticated "you're my bro" (in very, very layman term).

sometimes, in a variation, instead of 爱卿, the emperor will refer to the close subject as "_last name_ + 卿". so for mei nianqing's example, if mei had really been his real last name, jun wu might have once referred to mei nianqing as 梅卿 (mei qing).

on the other hand, the second usage is as an affectionate form of address between husband and wife—卿卿. calling someone in an english equivalent would be something like "dear" or "honey". supposedly, there's a related usage of 卿 that can be used between very good friends, but i have to stress that it's really, typically overwhelmingly romantic in nature.

bonus: the chinese idiom 卿卿我我 is used to describe very intimately affectionate behavior (PDA) between couples.

basically, the character 卿 is used as a way of referring to someone, with different usages referring to different types of "you". think of it like this: one is saying "hey, you [my trusted subordinate]". the other is "hey, you [my dear]".

so together, 念卿 (nianqing) means "to miss [you]". the clever thing about this, though, is that depending on the usage, it could either refer to mei nianqing missing jun wu or the other way around.

the second usage of 卿 (qing) is used equivalently, in both directions, between lovers/"very good" friends. think about how you and your partner can both call each other "dear" or "honey". so the missing 'you' in 念卿 could refer to either person in the relationship.

but for the first usage (爱卿), it is only used by an emperor/prince towards someone lower, so the person being missed must be mei nianqing, since mei nianqing couldn't use 爱卿 to refer to jun wu, who was royal. interestingly, this usage is more likely the intended one, in my opinion, because realistically mei nianqing and jun wu never confirmed that they acknowledged any feelings between them beyond prince-old friend/subordinate and mei nianqing seems lowkey in denial that he's been in a 2000+ year situationship with a ghost king.

"you're not like him [jun wu] in that sense, little highness" my 🏳️‍🌈 ass, but i digress.

now why would mei nianqing name himself something that essentially means to miss himself? it sounds a bit egogistical to assume jun wu misses him? well, maybe, even after wandering for so long, it's not so much a statement, but a silly, foolish hope he still holds that jun wu misses his 爱卿, his old follower and friend.

or, coming back to his chosen last name, 梅 (mei) means plum blossoms, and maybe it does represent jun wu in mei nianqing's heart. but 梅 (méi) is also a homophone of the word 没 (méi), which means "no," or "doesn't." they are homophones down to the same tone.

An ask about psychoanalytic theory *wipes tears* thanks, friend.

So if you would like a catch-up on the terms I’ll use, I talked about id/ego/superego in MDZS here. I’m going to primarily use psychoanalytic analysis on Xie Lian (Jungian, Freudian, etc.) 

The goal of psychoanalytic literary critique is to examine how the character comes into their own sense of self, called self-actualization. Which is definitely Xie Lian’s arc–after spending 800 years trampled and gaslit and tormented, he finally comes to an assurance of who he is and whom he wants to be. What matters is him, not the state of him. 

A typical relationship between a father and son (or father-figure and son-figure) in these kinds of stories is that the father figure is someone the protagonist must surpass and overcome to fully understand themselves: their father played a role in who they are, but is not fully who they are. 

So let’s talk Xie Lian. 

MXTX uses a lot of Freudian trios in her writing, and I think the one you identify is definitely one. Bai WuXiang is definitely the id, Mei NianQing the superego, and Jun Wu the ego who mediates between them. The problem is the “Jun Wu” is an illusion; he does not exist at all. He is a mask created through hardened armor, a mask for Bai WuXiang to wear. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t the ego–he is, but he is to be replaced once the truth is revealed.

Which, imo, is actually perfectly emphasized by the fact that Xie Lian actually grows into the ego to mediate between them. I mean, the last battle takes place on a bridge, a fallen bridge between heaven and earth. The bridge symbolizes a lot of things, but among them is that Xie Lian is literally a bridge between Bai WuXiang/Jun Wu and Mei NianQing, or the ego mediating between the superego and id. On this bridge, Jun Wu’s armor is finally chipped off and he is left defeated and vulnerable–and it is in this state that Mei NianQing finally decides to learn from Hua Cheng and Xie Lian. What matters is you, and not the state of you. He stays with Jun Wu, the two of them meeting in the middle, in a sense. 

Xie Lian followed Mei NianQing’s righteous path until his first ascension, and then he was tempted to become like Bai WuXiang because Bai WuXiang desperately wanted someone to be able to understand him. He wanted empathy; he wanted to not be alone anymore. But Xie Lian, in the end, rejects this path… with the help of Hua Cheng/Wu Ming. 

I think Xie Lian’s initial rejection is pretty telling: he wants to do what MNQ would do. Go ahead and stab me. 

Under the rain, Xie Lian was holding the sword up, and he said darkly, “As long as you use this sword to pierce me, you won’t be affected by the human face disease.

But Hua Cheng shows Xie Lian another way, sacrificing himself for Xie Lian. 

Xie Lian then continues along MNQ’s path for 800 years, but as Hua Cheng will later remind us, this isn’t entirely good either. Xie Lian has very low self-esteem and is just fine with being abused and suffering when he really should realize that suffering is not a virtue nor a shame: how one responds is what matters. Suffering should not be glorified, but neither should it be condemned. 

However, Mei NianQing notably only lives to survive himself, as you said to me. Xie Lian takes on other’s burdens as well. It’s not that either is right or wrong–there should be nuance, negotiation, empathy and compassion and helping others through their burdens, while also maintaining a healthy self-esteem. MNQ’s motivation to survive did not come from self-esteem but rather from guilt over what Jun Wu had become (and from how he didn’t help lift those burdens). In the end, Xie Lian (through Hua Cheng) learns to balance this, and Mei NianQing, too, takes his first steps towards overcoming his own past and the negative aspects of his way of life through choosing to stay with Jun Wu even after his defeat, choosing to take some of his old friend’s burdens at least. 

The ego is the part of each of us that makes decisions, as emphasized by the fact that despite Bai WuXiang’s attempts to remove Xie Lian’s choices, he relies on his own choices in the end.

As for his actual parents… Xie Lian loves them, but he does not have a great relationship with his father. The king wants him to be what he is not, and his father is simply not a good ruler and can’t bear that Xie Lian knows this. His father wants to be able to protect his son and wants to be everything his son wants him to be, but he cannot be (Xie Lian directly states this at one point). But they are more alike than they would think: Xie Lian, too, wants to save and protect (the common people, loved ones) but cannot do so. If the king is a bad king in the eyes of the one he wants to protect, Xie Lian is not much better a god in the eyes of the people he wants to protect as well. 

His mother Xie Lian is closer with. His rejection of his parents towards the end is agonizing and emphasizes this protection dilemma: it comes just after Xie Lian has been traumatized by being held down and stabbed hundreds of times with a sword (which is a phallic symbol + the way Xie Lian goes and locks himself up in his room insisting he’s fine after his parents and Feng Xin immediately know something is wrong–it’s…not a subtle metaphor. It is not assault, to be clear–you cannot and should not equate them–but it is a Freudian metaphor for a violation others view as shameful, but the shame is actually on Bai WuXiang for orchestrating it). He cannot tell his parents what happened to them because he doesn’t want to burden them; him not telling them is a burden. 

Mama Xie and the king then commit suicide as an example of exactly what Xie Lian fears he is and what he has to overcome: the idea that he’s a burden, that harming himself is fine so long as it benefits people. 

His parents hang themselves because they believe they are a burden to their son. Xie Lian tries to hang himself afterwards, but of course, he cannot die. He tries to take revenge for them then and reaches his lowest point, but Wu Ming saves him and he rejects Bai WuXiang’s path.