A Young Woman's Story

My dad lost his dad.

Everyone feel that loss some day.

But today it was heavily felt,

By my mum and my dad.

For it is the first time,

that mum and dad is the oldest at table.

Where we reunite,

once every first day of the calendar year.

It was both nostalgic and heavy.

That our time on earth is shown in this way.

Regrets we harbour none.

But memories we harbour many.

Today, we look back at how far we have come.

And far, we have come, from our hard work, sweat, hidden tears and laughters.

Our lives so far was lived with much integrity, honesty, patience and grit.

A life we enjoy and look forward to waking up to each day.

Thank you mum and dad for your prime example as daughter and son I aspire to be.

I want to scream, but I’m in a lighted vacuum.

I found my breath,

that broke through the vacuum.

Now.

I want to scream, but I have no voice.

I want to scream, but the voice is too soft.

I found my voice,

that broke through my capacity.

Now.

I want to scream, but I’m in a soundproof basement.

I want to scream, but I lack the courage to climb out of the basement.

Now.

I found my courage.

I want to scream, but I…

I want to scream, but.

I want to scream, I gave myself too many buts.

Reality is always a “but”.

I’m going to learn to scream no matter the but.

I’m not going to fight reality or ignore reality.

But, I’m going to transform the reality with my faith strong in my own heart.

Let it beat aloud.

I need no voice;

I need no space;

I certainly need no buts.

I need only to believe in my own desire, let it burn.

I need only to believe in my own heart, let it beat.

Whatever I might need will be there.

For my passion to burn,

for my heart to beat,

and my voice will be heard

And I really want to run.

Until I realise I am running.

In circle.

It is ok to run in circle.

But am I pushing boundaries a little at a time?

Moving in upward spiral.

Spiralling out of control sometimes bring life a little zest.

Run, keep running with a renewed sense of purpose.

Keep running spiral and get out of control.

Because first, comes your prayers, your desires. Then comes the challenges to put you out of your comfort zone, to get you running again, lest you forget that dynamic progress is about overcoming one challenge at a time, sometimes, a few challenges at a time.

A decade closer to my favourite age of fifties.

Who knows what the future holds, or how long more can “the future” hold.

I could only live moment by moment in the eternity of life with courage, compassion and wisdom.

Believing not only in my own highest potential but strive my very best to bring out the best in others, too.

Deepest appreciation to this life.

Before I began my twenties, to have met the people who have shaped my twenties, and supported my youth and my growth.

Friends who yelled at me when I needed to be yelled at,

Friends who hurt me when I needed to feel the hurt.

Friends who nurtured me when I needed the nurture.

And provided me with the security of unconditional love, my family [extended, in-laws and of course my husband]

I have become a person I enjoy being, truthfully.

And I can’t wait to continue strengthening and constantly reshape who I am with the foundation of my youth.

Repaying my debt of gratitude to all who have become a part of my being with the whole of my being.

Today, I just slap on myself. Whatever is slapped on me doesn’t really bother me. Except, when people keep thinking that it bothers me. That, bothers me. If you know what I mean. I am glad that I live among people who told me to “be brave and be you”. There is never a right or wrong, unless harm is done mentally or physically (Oh, and it took some time to meet people who tell me they enjoy my presence as who I am).

People’s voices, potential voices, so many times can make “me” feel being “myself” is wrong. Sometimes, to make “others” feel a little less anxious for “me” being “me”, I slap something of “them” on “me”, as a form of respect and love for “them”. Maybe “they” don’t know it, and maybe “I” don’t notice that, “they” too slap on a little part of “me” to respect and show “their” love for “me”.

Being yourself is not an easy thing to do albeit sounding like the most sensible thing to do. Being yourself means to be the best version of yourself, little by little, year by year, month by month, day by day, moment by moment. Being yourself means you’re fully aware of your environment, and your relationship with it. Because who are you without your environment?

Self and no others are just a false sense of security in identity. Self with others (organic or inorganic) when merged is the ultimate sense of self.

So when being you, never underestimate how hard that desire is to achieve. And never take for granted how far you have come. And don’t stop until the last breath you draw from your environment. Be you. Authentically you, take one brave and compassionate step at a time.

I wonder what I have done to deserve the ground I stood on.

Grateful to be able to work everyday to share what I believe in and what I have been given to posterity.

To continue living the legacy of those who come before me.

Thank you teachers, mentors, comrades…

Thank you for believing in me when I lost all hope in myself.

Thank you for seeing what I did not see in me. And gave me the space to grow into the person I am.

Thank you for giving me this life I’m living. The second chance to do better than the first one I totally disregarded.

Thank you for giving me the ground I could stand on so resolutely, so courageously, and so joyfully. To continue fulfilling my mission in this life, this second life that you taught me to fight for.

Right before it started, it got so dark that I began to doubt everything I have ever done. What changed this time was that I absolutely refused to believe that my life is just for naught.

And things started to shift. Really shift this time. And I am loving my current job and volunteer opportunities. And I’m truly doing what I love and loving what I do, at the same time, noticing that my voice matter, and could potentially change lives. What more can I ask for?

What causes have I made in the past to deserve such a wonderful youth. So grateful to all my mentors in life who have shown me my own courage, wisdom and compassion.

Once you leave, you can never come back to it.

Unless you found it deep within your very own

Self, is what you’ll find on the journey.

Nothing ever gets wasted.

Stay undefeated until the very end.

I miss knowing that I could fly,

I miss knowing that someone is looking out for me, and me them.

I miss diving, flying underwater.

I miss the paradise where right now people are really fighting for their lives.

I miss Malaysia.

What are we without our hope of looking ahead?

All deeply grounded within the present.

Double