it's a sign of the times

Of course there’s a reason; the word one implies that there’s, you know, only one of them. Are you currently on Auradon’s never been kissed list, then? Your twin seems like he’d kiss enough people for the both of you anyway. I’m personally of the belief that if someone’s going to mess up my life, it’ll probably be somebody with no villain lineage at all, actually. Sometimes people are driven to do bad things by other factors, you can’t predict those just based on who their parents are. And you can’t even ask my kid, since she’s not born yet! That’s even more depressing, I bet I’ll have a kid someday that’s even more interested in science than me. I guess, but coding means you’re on the internet, and internet means abbrevs, and well, it’s sort of a vicious circle, right?

Thankfully, I’ve avoided the cruel fate of middle school kissing games long enough to make it to high school unscathed, yes, but Eugene is more than making it up for us, it appears, so I’m good. Are you on that list, too, or am I alone here? That’s a fair enough point, though; especially now that we’re all so mixed together, the descendants of a perpetrator seem like less and less of a factor in the crimes. I could leave a video note for your child, who, if you ask me, is very lucky to have you as the giant who’s shoulders she steps on in her discovering - science is a game of building upon buildings, of course, and we all do our part in the next step.

I secretly think you just like my moms better than me. I haven’t figured out if you’re more of a fan of momma’s gardens or momsephone’s books yet, though, but I’m somehow willing to bet it’s the second one. Please, you’d have your own wing if you moved into Dunbroch, you would be totally easy to avoid if I ever needed space. HA. Did I tell you that Kristina told me she thinks you should marry Janelle? Is it okay that I laughed a lot at your sister’s expense when she said that? Just establish really different styles, I guess? Or never leave my sight, that could help, too. I doubt it’ll be forever, no. I’m sure once he’s slept with every cheerleader on the squad he’ll get bored and go back to normal. Exactly. We’d never be stupid.

How could I ever love your mothers more than I love you? Yes, one has books and the other has the most calming of sceneries, but my mother has books, and besides, I have a feeling neither of your mothers is quite as adept at this whole judging-people-together thing we’ve got going on. We’ve been perfecting it for all our lives, after all. It does sound, though, like you’re suggesting I move into Dunbroch once and for all - what would the families think? Wow, Kristina’s really barking up the wrong twin there; I don’t even know where she would’ve gotten that from, I’m almost laughing myself. Never leaving your sight sounds much easier than developing a style or, worse, forcing Eugene to develop one. I’m almost hoping every girl just kind of turns him down so he can move on. It seems an impossible and unhygenic task.

You’re really thinking way too much about this. Unless Fairy Godmother suddenly decided to put a spell over all of Auradon forcing us to do everything we say we’re going to do, I don’t think that the rules of FMK are all that serious. Like, if I asked you right now FMK Kristina, Olivia, Darcy, you obviously wouldn’t have to hook up with or murder your sisters, gross. I don’t care if he cares! Why would you think I care if he cares?

Thinking too much is what I’m best at! You wouldn’t deprive me of my talent, would you? But that’s a truly heinous example and a good reason not to play this game with you in the future, evidently. The point of the game is a sporting chance, after all, why create impossibilities as options? You’re blocking your own results by virtue of the impervious variables? Because I have an IQ of 135? Which means I’m not an idiot? And I know you. Not as well as he does, but I know you, and I’m really sorry. That you care what he thinks. 

If it’s tiresome to them, then they need to give better instructions. I mean, if I’m going to be submitting scientific proposals to major companies someday, they’re not going to want to have to ask questions to get all the knowledge, they’re going to want it all right there in front of them in my report, which means I have to know what I’m talking about ahead of time. Which means me, asking myself a million questions. I don’t know, kisses seem to be a dime a dozen if the fact that even eighth graders seem to be playing spin the bottle now is any indication. Let’s just hope I never get a froggy task like that, how does that sound? There’ll be a lot of developments in math and science especially, though, and that’s enough time for English class to get new classes to read and everything. She might have already come and gone depending how long you’re asleep for! You don’t understand her tweets? It’s pretty easy to Google what all the abbrevs mean. Some are even deciphered by reputable sources like the dictionary.

I couldn’t agree more, but then again, there’s a reason not everyone in the kingdom is referred to as “the smart one” by their peers. Kisses are pretty thrown around nowadays, but they’re easy enough to avoid if you, you know, duck out of parties early or don’t go at all. The incorporation of villain ancestors to our land is a pretty fair indicator that even if someone had the capacity to trap you as an amphibian, they wouldn’t for moral reasons, which is comforting. I suppose you’re right, though - one hundred years is a long time, I might have to ask for someone’s child to be the one to keep me up to date, which is wholly depressing in and of itself. I don’t, no - you do? I don’t see the point in Googling about abbreviations, honestly. The only random assortment of letters that I need to be able to understand to be happy is coding.

Extreme heats and extreme colds, never a moderate day in sight. No wonder you’re in Dunbroch so often, it’s not going to give you temperature whiplash. I’d visit you a lot less if Darcy were in Auradon City, just in case you were wondering. As much as I love that we seem to be better at it than even your sisters, isn’t it a little sad that they don’t know the two of you better? Oh yeah, I’m sure you’ll get slapped by some cheerleader he strung along, best to have some frozen steaks in your freezer at all times to try and ward off the black eyes. Oh Beast, I know better than to tell her that, she’d permanently cancel Game Night somehow. I’m not going anywhere, no matter what stupid stuff your twin may do, don’t worry. 

No wonder my family’s so extra, huh? It’s all in the weather, Ivy. Dunbroch is so temperate, especially in comparison. I’d move in if I could but even best friends need space, especially when you’re two steps away from leaving me to become my tiny sister’s best friend instead. Kristina and Olivia know me and Eugene well enough, I guess. Kristina’s just so lost in her own head and Olivia’s always in Olivia-Land and, to be fair, we do kind of look alike. Ugh, great. I don’t care about getting yelled at by girls but I don’t want to have to wear glasses for real - why can’t people just, like, not punch anyone? Thanks. I know he can be stupid sometimes, bordering on all the time now, but you don’t think it’ll be forever, do you? Everyone gets dumb in high school, right? Except you and me, obviously.

Ugh, the sacrifices I make for you Corona and Arendelle kids. But since no one better be in there watching it, no one will ever be able to tell the difference but me. Ha! You think Eugene would actually care what I do?

We appreciate them, Highness, believe me. But I don’t know! The format of FMK implies that our choices will be known somehow, doesn’t it? Since the asking introduces a vouyeristic omnipotent presence into the situation in the first place? Regardless, I’m sure that for anyone involved, having my twin sub in is the preferable method. No offense. He probably doesn’t care as much as you care if he cares, but of course. He’s thick but he’s not that thick.

Then I’ll be sure to ask a lot of follow up questions before I commit to anything. I mean, Grandpa Naveen had some kind of deal with Dr. Facilier that resulted in him being a frog from not reading the fine print, hopefully I won’t make his same mistakes. I don’t know, I think maybe my task would be more like grandma Tiana’s – remember to find time for love, and not just stay focused on my goals of bettering the bayou and researching and whatever else I’m working on at that moment. It’s so outdated that they think a woman needs to be in love to be happy, or anyone, I guess. I love science, isn’t that enough? I’m a grade behind you! But I guess by the time you woke up I’d be done with all the classes you still needed to take. As far as news goes, though, Pandora’s on the newspaper, you might have better luck asking her.

That’s the only way to live, really, by asking follow up questions. It might get tiresome to others at times, but it’s always better safe than sorry, yes? After all, as you pointed out, not asking questions or reading the fine print is how you end up stuck as a frog, or taking a bite out of a poison apple, or worse. “Finding love” is so...non-tangible as well as out-dated. What does “love” really qualify as? “True love’s kiss”? How does a kiss know if it’s true love or not? I think a love of your research and the pursuit of knowledge is more lasting and easier to trust in than a love between two people, but I’m biased. The year difference in our education won’t matter that much if I’m idle for a century, exactly. I suspect Pandora will be Queen Pandora of Auradon by the time I reanimate, I would hate to ask too much of her time. And besides, I feel like you would have the most most similar point of view on news through the years to mine. I could also probably rely on Zira’s tweets...if I could decipher them, anyway.

How much longer until you guys swap houses? I’ll never understand the ‘living in the cold for the winter’ thing, but your parents seem to love it. I don’t know if you can be, but that Darcy – she’s a wild card, I think if they hadn’t adopted Janelle he probably would have tried to steal her. Yeah… she can always tell you guys apart, I’ll go with that. Is ‘fuckboy’ really a destiny? Come on, Elias, you really want your mirror image walking around acting like a macho pig? I hope he won’t forget about Janelle, but it’s not going to be fun to watch if he does. I’m just picking a team early, that’s all. Momsephone says these things never end well.

I think we said spring break, so by the end of the month, maybe. The parents are too crazy about winter to deny themselves a snowy wonderland, and Darcy loves it, so maybe they’re not wrong and I just haven’t adjusted well enough yet after years and years of switching. Homeostasis is supposed to kick in by now, darnit! Way to make me even more grateful for Janelle than I usually am - Darcy’s too much a part of our family to imagine our dynamic without her, much less imagining her as the royal child. What? She can! As can you, but you know, her accuracy has astounded me since we were children and far more identical. Honestly, I’m not looking forward to this change in behavior, particularly, since every sitcom leads me to believe that I’ll end up dealing with the consequences of his actions in hilarious misunderstandings sooner or later, but I would hate to lose his confidence even more than I hate to see him turn into a “fuckboy”. He’s my brother, and even moreso, my twin - you don’t just give up on family. Don’t tell her I said so, but even Momsephone can be wrong sometimes! Or, at least, I very much hope she is; stability in friend groups throughout high school is imperative to a healthy transition into adulthood and, ultimately, the rest of your life. At least I always have you, right? And as long as you’re a constant, I’m fairly sure we can make it through high school alive and well.

I’ve been able to tell you two apart since we were toddlers, dum dum!

Trust me, I’m well aware. Can you just, for the sake of the FMK, pretend you can’t? It’ll make my swapping-out technique much more plausible and, ultimately, better for us both. For the three of us, actually, because I’m fairly certain Eugene wouldn’t take too kindly to the events outlined in the ask.

How disappointing, it’s not like there’s Arendelle in my blood or anything. How do I know someone else isn’t holding your phone, Zapping you pretending to be Eugene? Sorry, buddy, I know all the tricks, I spent too much time around Uncle Blake growing up. What? I didn’t say anything that he didn’t deserve, you know that the tourney thing’s gone to his head already.

Let it go, Ivy - you’re not wrong, though, you can stand the cold better than I can, anyway. I can’t wait to move to Corona, I swear I’m getting frostbite. Oh please, like I could ever be nearly as tricky as Uncle Blake or you. And speaking of Uncle Blake, you could always show the Zap to Janelle to make sure. No one can tell us apart better than she can, she’s always right. Just because you’re right doesn’t mean it was the right thing to do or say. Eugene’s always been...weird. He’s just fulfilling his fuckboy destiny but it doesn’t have to be a totally bad thing, right? It’s not like he’ll forget about us, or at least, not Janelle.

I guess intuitively, I assumed that if I could return from my sleeping state, I could return from my frog state, too. Why give two choices if once’s a temporary status change and the other one’s permanent? It just seems mismatched and lame. Besides, if I’m doing all this research as a frog, I’m sure I’d have some time to research reversals for the magic that made me one in the first place; I’d  be awake and able to look into changing my fate, unlike if I were Sleeping Beauty 2.0. So does that mean I’ll have to miss you while you’re taking your hundred year nap? You don’t seem too peachy keen about being an amphibian yourself.

Fair assessment! It would be entirely mismatched, but it’s something to think about - often the phrasing of the questions is meant to be taken as literally as a genie answering wishes, when no further explanation is given, at least. What would you assume your task would be to return to a human state? Marry royalty, like your grandparents? Kiss a prince or princess? After all, that’s the precedent in the research, isn’t it? Transformations linked to romantic progress? It means that I’m pretty sure I’d rather literally die than become a frog at all. I would gross myself out way too much. Think you can take notes for me while I’m gone for a hundred years? I wouldn’t trust anyone else’s notes anyway.

BED: @janelleofthejungle​. I‘ll just switch out with my brother, who’d notice?

WED: @ivyofdunbroch. Besties forever. Can’t kill her.

I read that as ‘asleep for 100 years’ or ‘turned into a frog’, not ‘asleep for a hundred years’ or ‘turned into a frog for a hundred years’. Maybe that was a flaw on my part, but I was imagining a much shorter amphibian stint. For my grandmother, she just had to become a princess to shake off the frog spell; I could focus on whatever my task was, and be back to human as soon as I had all my research done. I don’t think my soul would just go away; if I’m transforming, I assume that my human spirit’s still hanging out in the body, otherwise is that really even a choice at all? I can’t just be lost in the atmosphere, they said it was still me, or at least implied it. Are you the one who sent me this question? Have you been so cold up in Arendelle that you’ve been working on illegal frog magic?

I mean, that reading makes sense too, but even were it ‘asleep for 100 years’ or ‘turned into a frog’, your justification allows for the fallacious assumption that you would have a specific task assigned to you that would allow you to turn back. After all, nowhere in the question did it say you’d be able to turn human again. The sleep at least has a clear endpoint, regardless of where your soul goes, though I’d have to assume that you would have to remain you, somehow, for the question to make any sense, otherwise it’d be moot. I haven’t been working on any brand of magic, frog or otherwise, and I didn’t send the question. I just wanted to understand your reasoning, I guess. I’m also a lot less scientific about my answer than I pretend to be, I’d really just hate to be stuck outside.

Sorry, I’m gonna need to be standing by your side while Eugene’s in “at home casual” before I buy it. And I’m going to ask Darcy to keep an eye out, we all know that little girl never lies. And no way, arrows to the brain are more Elinor’s thing. I’d rather keep you alive so I can taunt you for an eternity.

Oh no, it looks like that means I’ll have to keep you around Arendelle even more to catch him in the act, what a shame. Or, well, I guess I could Zapchat you the evidence if that keeps you from sending Little D in as a spy - she gets into enough trouble without your missions! The road that keeps me alive the longest is the one worth going with, even if that means putting up with your barbs. Speaking of which, roasting Eugene like that on here? Not cool. He hasn’t talked to me in, like, a day.

Uh huh… Are you sure that wasn’t really you, and you’re just pinning it on him? I’m onto you, Sneak-lias.

I’m offended! It was definitely Eugene, he called it his at-home-casual look. If you ever catch me wearing socks and flip flops, I implore you to shoot an arrow through my brain since I clearly don’t need it anymore.