Raven

So I disappeared for a very, very long time. But I guess it's time to revisit this! Exploring poetry, art, recovery. Things that fueled my soul and allowed me to transform into the person who I am today.

Recovery has been bizarre. I made it to 18 months clean and sober - before deciding, maybe this isn't for me, maybe I'm fine to just drink. What I knew inside was pushed to the back as I didn't want to acknowledge and continue to face life.

I took many steps backwards. Falling into old toxic relationships that depleted me of energy; lost the self confidence I gained by relapsing time and time again. My life has become chaos once again, but I'm finding it difficult, if not impossible, to recommit to recovery.

I'm writing this as a form of accountability. This is my public journal to myself.

Just because you're struggling, it does not mean you've failed.

"You are a free person with free will"

"Many of us have found that setting aside quiet time for ourselves is helpful in making conscious contact with our Higher Power. By quieting the mind, meditation can lead us to calmness and serenity. This quieting of the mind can be done in any place, time, or manner, according to the individual" - Chapter 9 NA Basic Text

Side note, I wrote this one in my first month or so of recovery. My head was a mess. I couldn't quiet my mind for more than one second at a time. I wrote this when I was learning the importance of meditation, before I really appreciated how it felt to be free of metal chaos.

6 months since I finally had enough suffering.

6 months since I really started implementing a new way of life.

I've gained so much perspective, gathered self-insight, worked on my flaws and grown so much over this past year.

I am stronger than I've ever been, more courageous than I thought possible and tenacious as all hell. I have my weak points, but through my journey I've discovered my strengths.

On the left are a few photos from active addiction, on the right is a recent photo. Physically, its only been six months, so not that much has changed. But over the past while I've lost 30lbs, taken care of myself and the light has returned to my eyes. Personally, I feel like I don't even look like the same person as I was a year ago; I certainly don't feel like the same person. I'm becoming the person who I'm meant to be, the person I want to be, and I can feel myself getting closer to that everyday.

I'm proud of the progress I've made, and I'm excited for what lies ahead. More will be revealed 💜