Let’s Go Sparks!

My mom passed away a month ago. Cancer, most likely, even though they were never able to get a biopsy or further testing done (basically, it grew like cancer, it behaved like cancer; but as far as what type it was, or where it started… I’ll never know.) She died almost exactly one month after they found the mass. Everything just happened so fast. I’d always heard horror stories of people suddenly getting sick, finding out they have cancer, and then dying a matter of weeks later; but, I never thought it would happen to someone I love.

Also? It’s hell. I don’t know how else to describe it.

The pandemic affected her care, too. Her last month on Earth was miserable. She was in and out of hospitals with no visitation policies, struggled to get beds, being given bad news and put through painful procedures (arterial blood gas tests, chest tubes, catheters, etc.) while she was completely alone. By the time they finally did let me in to see her (and mainly because they needed me to make medical decisions for her as she was no longer able,) she was dying. We had no time, no chance to really talk, or even say goodbye. All I could do is hold her hand until the end came.

My life is in shambles right now. I’m no stranger to grief - I lost my dad when I was 16, my grandmother at 19 - but this has been something else. There’s grief from the loss; there’s the trauma of being separated from her in her time of need; there’s the trauma of literally watching her die. I was closer to my mom than I ever was any other family member and I am crushed beyond belief. Nothing feels right at the moment. I’m still in shock. I still wake up in the morning expecting her to be there. Everything just happened so damned fast.

I’m exhausted, too. I’m basically doing nothing but focusing on self-care and slowly trying to clean and downsize things. I’m the only one left to take care of her final business, too (but that’s on hold until I get death certificates back.) I still need to move, and I’m hoping I’ll be ready to do so in about 5-6 months. Our hopes of renovating the old trailer I bought is likely not happening now. I’m probably going to try to resell it and buy a used RV to live in (the land is paid for, there’s a septic, water lines, etc. All I lack is an electric pole.) I bought an e-bike to help me get around on good days, set up grocery delivery, etc. I’m doing the best I can for now.