sleepless thoughts

is the way i look at you.

and you say you don't,

but i think you do.

i love you!

I did really know you,

Felt so even if we met for the first time.

I did really like you,

When all you did was giving me signs.

I did really love you,

No it wasn't just for the way your eyes shined.

I did really lose you,

When you weren't even close to being mine.

But not with me.

When you dance with everyone,

But not with me.

Smile and laugh with them,

But not with me.

Posing and taking photos with them all,

But not with me.

Though what hurts me the most is,

When you treat me like a stranger

And act like you never cared about me.

What does that even mean?

Are you not gonna call me again?

Not send me texts or memes

And all the things you draw and write?

Not gonna hold my hand,

Or give me a hug when I'm sad?

No smiles or laughs,

Now that we're not on the same path?

What about all those damn hearts

The 'i love you's, the kisses?

Only through texts, never to my face

The future we planned?

The road trips, that cottage in Netherlands

And remember how you said that we'd

Go together to see snow for the first time?

"We're gonna last forever together"

"We're never going to have something together"

Girl, how did that change so fast?

All in the span of four fucking months!

"I love you", "It'll pass".

That's all you said at last.

Even after everything you said though,

I still can't blame you or be mad at you.

Trying so hard to move on like you said,

But the nights my pillow gets soaked with tears,

When it goes from being best friends

Saving seats and smiling so big

With eyes that shine and crinkle at edges

At first glance everyday

And everytime we catch eyes

Holding hands and talking nonsense,

To looking at me just once

Eyes with no emotions and

That tight lipped smile of yours

Which I never had received from you

And sitting at a different table

When every seat around me

Is clearly not taken,

Never once looking at me and

Laughing with everyone else.

Tell me how to live without you

Even when we're not alone

Sometimes,

Like you don't care

If the world sees us

Like you don't care

That it's me with you

Makes me feel worthy

Enough to have you

To be with you

How I am counting fingers to see you again.

You don't know,

The way I wish you'd text me every now and then.

You don't know,

How happy it makes me to see you smile.

You don't know,

My favourite thing to look at is the way your eyes shine.

You'd never know,

I'm a shell of nothingness and black

You throw these words sharper than knives

Where's my armour? Got no strength to fight

Something I never asked for

Still you were soon to decide it all

Take this life and give back my soul

I'm so tired, just want you to leave me alone

I try not to complain, to not be so vile

'Do this and do that, be thankful

I'm the one who gave you life'

Well, wasn't you so generous and kind

To give something and,

Blabber about it all the damn time

But all you ever do is making it harder to smile

I love you, no doubt, I do

Though I wonder,

~

The blade was pressing

On my fingers, my hands

It's a bloody mess

In the truest form of words

Tears spilling

Mixed with crimson

What are you doing

There's no one home

Perfect timing huh?

Vision blurring

Can you hear me?!

There's noise

People talking

Screaming, shouting

Why, why?!

I'm lonely

Can't you see?!

Oh finally

There's someone

But she ain't moving

Just a girl

On the floor

That I feel happy to my core

And when you take my hand

The pain is not there anymore

You have your arms around me

It's when I feel the safest, so

Tell me was it wrong to love you

For without you, I am no more

It's okay to not say it back,

but if you ever feel unloved,

(which I really hope you never do)

will you at least remember,

In a cage where I put on my own harness

I lock myself to never come out

To never be seen or heard, but still I shout

'Let me out, let me free,

To leave this shell of a human and flee'

Cause the cage never kept me in

It's the paradox that I'm stucked within

A burden to carry, painful and heavy

Yet the only thing that keeps me steady

To leave this pain, the sorrow and guilt

Is to shatter down a life, that was never built

Was it my fault, or was it theirs?

Does it matter, in the end who cares?

Next I'll be six feet under

To leave it all and never look back

Though I'm atop a giant glazier

The cold burns my feet and I'm stuck

It's everything I've ever wanted

To have a friend in you that never judged

Guess it was too much when I asked

Cause all I had was a face of tears smudged

To hell with good relationships

When did we ever had one that was nice

Alone I cried through the hardships

We were together only for the quarrels and smiles

How do you still expect me to fight

To dream and work for my goals which was never mine

I'm bruised and broken and losing my sight

The weight of your head on mine

Splattering rain and the distance thunder