You feel the way you do right now because you don’t know anything else. You’re afraid of the unknown. So you cling. You attach yourself to people, places, and things. You’ve feared abandonment all your life. From the way he would leave you at home with your half brother who would corner you, swinging his bat teasingly in one hand to the way you memorized the minutes it took for somebody to come home. People think you play victim, that you cry wolf. But people who don’t come from broke homes won’t know. The darkness after being left alone. The conversations you’d have with your stuffed animals promising them that you’d never abandon them. The promises you’d make to yourself to grow up loved and to always protect your daughter. To never let her close to this fear.
You feel the way you do now because you don’t know anybody else. The moment somebody tells you they love you, you believe them. That’s what has always gotten you in trouble ever since you were 16. The moment somebody makes you feel like they want to know it all, the moment they act like they can handle all the darkness, like all of your fears and secrets are secure in their love and finally, finally, you are safe…
But wait.
‘No matter how much you think you love somebody, you’ll step back when the pool of their blood edges up too close.’
I’ve spent 27 years disguising my sadness. I’ve got costumes for all emotions. I have masks for any day.
Boys want to know me because I come off a certain way. I think it’s this portrait they paint of me in their mind. It’s flattering but it’s not me. People are quick to fall in love with the lovable parts. The way my eyes get big when I still get excited, the way my 5 year old self sometimes reflects in the things I do and say.
I know what parts of myself people fall in love with.
I also know the parts of myself that pushes people to leave.
The latter always wins.
I never got to be 5.
I wonder if any of them ever understood this line.
I never got to be 5.
I feel the way I do now because I am in love. And that’s okay. It’s a beautiful phenomenon.
But we’ve gone through this before. Don’t settle. Don’t hope for any future engagements. Don’t expect for a fairy tale ending when you weren’t born into a fairy tale beginning.
