𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒈𝒓𝒐𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒈.

     you had always made ryland anxious whether you were trying to or not. from the moment you had locked eyes the day he had been introduced to the flight team, ryland had understood that he was doomed to a fated heartbreak. a pitiful, devastating, unrequited heartbreak. a reality that seemed to hold true the more time he had spent in your presence. 

you were like a breath of fresh air. arguably one of the smartest people in any given room and undeniably the one that was full of the most joy, as if you'd long since decided to live out the rest of your time on earth with nothing but optimism and gratitude in your heart. in truth, you just tried to live by the understanding that there was no use in making a somber situation worse by lingering on the most harrowing aspects of it. 

ryland was oblivious to the fact that he’d made doing so—choosing to focus on the good things—a lot easier just by way of existing. 

you had found ryland’s overall personality to be nothing short of endearing. you loved his bashful nature, but had come to understand that ryland wasn’t exactly shy. a conclusion that had sprouted from the observation that ryland mostly existed in a way that was free of constraint, and for someone who didn’t particularly enjoy the attention, he often attracted a whole lot of it. 

he was full of big ideas—fun facts—and even bigger opinions. a brilliant mind that had been shot down one too many times, to the point where he’d learned to live and make decisions only after second guessing his own intelligence and intuition. the expanse of his mind was endless, and most of the time, ryland seemed to thrive off of that fact, but the second another pair of eyes was on him he’d falter. he was too modest for his own good, and failed to realize that he didn’t need permission from anyone else to be great. you often made it your job to tell him so, and in this regard, ryland had always felt that you gave him a lot more credit and attention than he deserved. 

he wasn't daft enough to ever truly believe that his contributions weren't important, but they were miniscule in comparison to where you stood, and yet you still treated him as though he was also on route to saving the world. it made him feel like a hero. like you'd pull him up onto the podium to rightfully receive every accolade he'd earned instead of allowing him to stand off to the side where he felt he belonged. 

you would always believe that he had ended up right where he belonged, and as you continued to watch him, the feeling of genuine adoration grew a few sizes bigger inside your chest. 

the staring continued long after ryland had reverted back to avoiding eye contact, and the silent scrutiny you had him under made the scientist feel as though there was something left on his face from dinner, or that he'd foolishly forgotten something he'd previously promised to remember. he could feel the anxiety ruminating in the pit of his stomach. 

he wanted to be able to read your mind in that moment, which wasn’t the first time he’d longed to do so. there were times where ryland had wondered if there could have been more between the two of you apart from the mutual admiration, easy conversation and every good vibe you carried alongside you, but given the circumstances, he also knew that at the end of the day, it didn't quite matter.

ryland couldn't decide whether or not he was grateful that you had chosen such a self sacrificing fate or if he would be forever scarred by what it meant. 

you would be launched into space, a lot sooner than ryland would like to admit, on a mission that wasn't even guaranteed to be successful.

the worst part? it was a one way ticket kind of deal. 

it was why he clung to moments like this. why he loved being around you, despite the tight feeling in his stomach. 

ryland wanted to look up again and say something along the lines of ‘please, tell me what you're thinking before the anticipation kills me.’ but what came out was just another bashful attempt to get you to spill your guts. better you than him. 

“no, really…what is it?” he asked, his words mingling with the sound of his own nervous laughter again as he tried his best to keep things playful and light. 

“i'm gonna miss you.” you finally confessed. boldly, confidently, and with absolutely no reservations this time. just pure truth. “that's all.” you added, still staring at him with a hint of soft adoration. 

another laugh quite literally escaped ryland's mouth a few seconds later and you watched as he pressed his fingers against his lips as if he were genuinely surprised that the sound was able to make its way into the atmosphere.

he let your words sink in. words that were both music to his ears and a stake right to the heart. ryland took a moment to silently add them to the list of things he kept stored away for private moments of contemplation, choosing to lean towards the more painful part oft he sentiment in the moment. he could acknowledge that your words were a reflection of the affection you’d developed for him, but instead he chose to focus on the fact that he would also be missed due to your inevitable departure. 

if asked, ryland could admit that he didn't possess the kind of bravery required to change most things, let alone the trajectory of your fate, no matter how noble it was. 

for now, he'd use what bravery he did have to meet your gaze again, responding to your words only after he'd regained control of his senses. 

“right.” was all that came out. pitiful. devastating.  

clearly, he didn't possess a grand amount of courage either. he would have told you how much he was going to miss you too if he had any left to spare.

p.s — devastating thought, but let's imagine reader was the scientist on the mission and ended up dying in the explosion & rocky's death scare reminds grace of that event and brings him immeasurable pain because of his care for both of them. just a devastating thought...