black queer divinity

i tried and failed to journal, but was successful in my correspondence and finished three sewing projects! so im feeling pretty balanced. i think i prefer to blog than to journal. is this gen z of me? i mean what's really the difference between blogging and journaling? it's not like im getting views. maybe it's just easier to tell the truth when there's a perception of an audience. i am a bad liar, but im really a good person to love. i believe this about myself. im surrounded by love.

my left ear is more swollen than my right ear and i think it's because im about to lose my money. im excited about this. running the numbers was always a coping strategy. between all this swelling, i've resolved to forgive as much as possible.

at the end of the day really what im looking for is a nice place to land. i have dreams that are just nightmares, really. what i'm wanting is to be perfect. this is the scariest thing to want, probably. im getting ready. the music is terrible. im sober. except for when my gf's smoking weed and looking at me all pretty like do you want some. and i do...

visual arts always take up so much of me, i get so swept up i can do it in complete silence. it feels good to use my hands. im anticipating my return to the hoop next week :) similarly, anticipating my discover bill. writing does not suck me in the same way. i have a reading next weekend and zero idea what i want to share.

i think my home away from home is my bag. im excited to stuff my big ass bag with big ass meals. im trying to bulk up so i had a rice cake for my post dinner snack. i fuck with rice cakes, honestly. i like the feeling of something big in my mouth (pause).

i miss my girlfrienddddddd. (we just saw each other yesterday. this is unrelated to the last thing i said b t w).

im trying to make some friends. trying to add some balance. my friend from high school who i ran into at the top of the summer texted me which kind of rules. because i didn't expect it at all. and, idk, no matter how hard i try to be alone. i fear i am. surrounded.

i've got the whole world sliding down my thighs, meaning that the rain stopped when i came.

i'm trying to be more of an asshole in the same way that i'm trying to believe in myself.

july is making way for a whole 'nother year of caring. ill care until im sick off it. im sober until im well off it.

i saw a giant man running and sweating today, i thought to myself "you belong to me," and i wondered if he could tell.

i guess when i formed my lips around the word pavement, underneath was always implied.

it's good to miss people.

i replaced nicotine with mold. i replaced cigarettes with sitting. if i don't clip my nails i'll bite them down. if i don't talk to myself i'll wither away.

everyone is growing older.