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@dont-panic-its-just-us
December 20, 2016
What can I say? You've proven me wrong. Year after year you come back, making my longing for a home more stable-- more enticing, all the more real. I can't quite grasp what it is about you, but you feel more like home to me than any place truly ever has. God put you into my life to show me exactly who I should be. The only proof I need in God is you. 💙
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September 11, 2016
Thought about you a lot this summer. Loved the pics of your new baby; Addison. She's adorable! But there's rumor. Rumor that you won't be coaching this year. That's you'll leave. If that's true, please at least say goodbye first? Please, I don't know how to feel if you don't.
It is Important.
"You're a dork" she said as I regained my balance. I smiled at her and she smiled right back. In that moment I realized something. I'm not going to remember all the shots I miss, nor the ones I make. I'm not going to remember all the wins and losses. I'm going to remember the feeling. And in that moment, looking at the one person who I am so sure of in this life, I felt important. That, my friends, will always be the best thing in life. Feeling important and making others feel the same. Feeling.
Talking to the moon Trying to get to you In hope your on the other side Talking to me too Oh am I a fool Who sits alone Talking to the moon...
-My late night thoughts about Anna. (Talking to the Moon by Bruno Mars)
I'm just waiting for April 8th. See ya soon, Grace.
-Me
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I just spent five minutes, and I rationalized suicide. It took me five minutes to think of a million reasons to die. It took me five minutes to crumble up the reasons I had to live, and realize that they were all the more reason to die. That was seven days ago. Do you know why I'm still here? It's not because I was a chicken, or because I "failed" to die. I'm still here, still alive, still breathing because in all the mess of reasons I had to die, I could only find one reason to live; you. And you, Grace, you are reason enough.
-Thinking About How Much You Mean To Me...
In 2013, Anna stole my heart. In 2014. She broke it. In 2015, I wanted to die. But then I met you. And you made it better. You made me promise. Now, it's 2016, and you are scaring me. And that's not good. Grace, please don't be like Anna. Please, don't break me.
Midnight's Featuring Me
February 19, 2016
Grace: You'll be okay.
Me: I don't think you know how much it helps when you say that.
Grace: Why?
Me: Someone once told me that the best three words you can say to someone is, "I Love You". But I think that those three words are, "You'll be okay". So, thank you.
I know getting better is a good thing, and it is supposed to be good, but it is actually one of the scariest things ever. History keeps on repeating itself and just as things get better, they fall apart again. I just wish I wasn't so scared.
-Me to Grace
I'm probably done playing with you guys..
- Grace about basketball practice because she is about five or so months along and so yeah...
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February 15, 2016
Dear Grace, I know you told me that you wouldn't be at practice today, but that doesn't make it any less shocking that you weren't. I guess I'm okay. I really just posted this to hear myself and how I talk about you. Well, I'm super tired. I love you, Grace. •See ya-See ya•
It's sad; it seems like everything I fight for, I lose.
- Me talking to Grace about Life.
I was just as excited as the kids. *smile*
- Grace talking about going to Disneyland.
February 11
Dear Mom, (I know that this blog is for Grace, but she'd want to see this...) Please. Help me. Help me just, understand. How? Why? I just want to be happy and I can't find that in very many places. Life sucks, and I get that it is kinda suppose to, but I can't. I can take all sorts of wounds to my ego and my pride, but I need to be happy. I need to feel okay. So I play. When I play, all the bad things go away. I'm not a screwup anymore. It makes me want to be a better play, teammate, and all around just a better person. Playing takes me to a better place. Taking that away is taking away my lifeline. It makes everything worse. Because of the delay in notice and virtually no explanation, Dermer won't trust me to be there. Then the girls won't trust me to be on the team. Then I lose playing time for next year. Then I lose my teammates. Then I get worse. And I don't want to get worse. And it hurts. And I want to feel better. And I can't seem to find that in too many places. Please. Just help. Let me go to the game tonight. I can find someone to get me home the second the girls are done playing. I can leave practice earlier. I can. I can. I just can't breathe. Mom, please. Help me understand why happiness is so hard to get and even harder to keep. And no matter how hard you fight for it, it just slips right out of your finger tips. Why fight for it? Why? Why try to be happy when you'll never be happy. Just fleeting moments of a little more than okay, but never happy. Please. Please. I can get home. Before the boy varsity even starts. I want to play. I want to be okay. I want to be happy. Please. Please. Please. I'm begging you; just for once, let me be happy without ties or restrictions or anything. Let me be a kid. Let me have an hour to be me. I can't be who I am here. You hate me. You hate who I am. You've proven that so many times. I want us to be normal. I want to be able to trust you. I want to able to come home and not immediately expect a glare or a stupid name being thrown my way. I want to be held by you. When I'm crying, I want to be loved. But I can't seem to get that anywhere. I just want to be happy and be loved, and I had to chose between the plausible of the two, I just want to be happy. Because if I can be happy for just a little while, it makes the absence of love not hurts so much. It makes me feel okay. It makes it feel like you not hugging me, or praising me, or sometimes even acknowledging me, is okay. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to feel okay; normal even. Please. Let me play. Let be okay, even if it is just for an hour or so. It keeps me alive inside. If I quit sports, I'd be dead. You'd see me come home, but I wouldn't be there. I would be vacant. I'd answer with only enough so that you'd stop asking. I'd start slipping away. I wouldn't be me anymore. I'd be a blank sheet of paper torn to shreds with no hope if being repaired. I'd stop everything. I'd be your little goodie two shoes, but I'd only seem that way because I wouldn't do anything but exactly what you told me to. Tell me to clean the kitchen, it would be spotless. But then when everything was done, I'd be blank. Homework would be worse because I couldn't focus. Because I'd learn to hide away in my head like I used to, but I wouldn't write or talk (enough) to let anyone in. And after awhile, this would be natural. And I'd be gone. I'd graduate, but I wouldn't be the girl you knew. I'd be an empty shell. No smile. No bright bubbly feelings. No skip in my step. Nothing. I'd be nearly robotic the way I'd look and feel. I'd be gone. And I'm scared of that. I'm scared of losing who I am. Mom, help me. I'm scared.
You're a dork. *amazing smile*
✨Grace✨
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February 9, 2016
Dear Grace,
Oh my goodness! I love you! You made me so happy today! I mean, you also scared the bejesus out of me, but still, HAPPINESS!!!
So, I woke up late, got stuck in a ditch and then barely made it to the van to go to my FCCLA thing today. We also went to the Broncos parade. It was pretty fun. Then we got to school and the game and when I first saw you, I told you about my morning experience and you smiled a bit.
Then after playing (and sucking terribly) I won the game 5-4 instead of going into overtime because of my made free throw. I missed the first one, and you said it probably didn’t have enough arch. The second one I swooshed though; so that was good.
After the JV game, you were taking to someone and I am so so sorry I was so rude and I am sorry. I wanted to ask you to do me a favor, but then I saw that I made you mad at me. And that made me feel worse. And then in the locker room when I tried to fist pump Coach and you literally “pushed” me to the door. And by “push” I mean you applied pressure to my back for less than a second and I got the message just to move on. (Just a reminder, you had been pretty distant the whole "night" anyways... It scared me honestly...)
Then, I tried to make things better, but I thought I could only make them worse. I looked up at the clock and saw that it was one minute 11 seconds. I looked at you and I said "look at that". I pointed to it and you said "yeah that’s a minute 11". And I said "isn’t that something special." And you just kind of smiled at me. Then I said "well I like it because I like things in order you know." You gave me this smile. It was like the smile you gave me when we first actually started talking. That really beautiful smile. And then you said "I know" and kept the smile. Honestly, confused so much! You went from being so mad at me (it seemed), to acting like nothing happened and you were happy again.
And every time we had a timeout you would look at me and you would give me the smile. It made me so bubbly inside. I was feeling so happy. I was also worried though, because you were mad at me. And this is kind of like what Anna* did. She went back to being the best person I’ve ever known for a good week before she left, you know.
Then after the game I got to sit by you for a little bit. I saw your parents, I don’t know how I knew they were your parents but I just got the feeling. I think it was from the way you talk to them. I didn’t see Travis there so I asked where Travis and Logan were and you said that Travis is at home with Logan and McKenzie putting them to bed. I asked if he was having more fun than you. You said I don’t know. Then I asked what you would do if you came home to them having a water balloon fight in your kitchen. You just looked at me and said he knows better. That made me laugh. Like really hard and it made me smile really big. I guess my laugh made you smile. That also made me feel better. Then I asked you if when taking a picture you smile with your teeth or not. And then you smiled (with your teeth) and you said “with my teeth” And then you tried to smile without your teeth. It was the funniest thing. I loved it so much and it made me laugh and then it made you laugh. And I was happy because you were. We sat there and smiled and laughed for quite a little while. It was nice.
When the game was done, I asked you if I could give you an unannounced hug. You say yes and then patted my shoulder. Then we both get up and I say “no seriously can I have that hug” and then you do the same thing only different spot. Like it was still my back but it was more towards the center. I was confused and happy and I don’t know.
Then when you went to the locker room, I went in and apologized for February being a terrible month and being the month where I would probably freak out the most. You smiled and said that I was already a third of the way through February and nothing had happened. That actually kind of made me hopeful. I gave you a fist bump and then I went to start the car.
Then, going to start the car, I saw your parents again and decided to properly introduce myself. In fact I even said it like that. I said “I feel so rude for not introducing myself I’m *****.” Your mom told me what her name was, Caroline I think, and then told me that she already knew want my name. I kind of jumped to the conclusion a little bit and thought that maybe you told her who I was, but then I thought maybe sitting right next to that basically the whole time she just asked when I was gone and you told her oh that’s *****; one of the girls on the team.
I didn’t question you about this. And as I was walking back from my car I saw you and wanted to scare you. As more of a joke then actually wanting to scare you. I was going to jump out and say boo or something cheesy like that, but I didn’t see how muddy it was and I was afraid that my sandals and socks would get wet. So like an idiot I yelled “Flip Flops"then I explained to you why I said that. Then you just smiled that beautiful smile and said,’ you’re a dork. And it made me so happy. You were so happy. I wanted to come back; say something clever. But all I could manage was a smile and a big goofy smile at that. You looked at me and said "see ya” And I said it back. And then you drove away to go home to your loving family.
•See Ya- See Ya•
February 8, 2016
Dear Grace, I am so scared. You are going to leave me. I know it. And I'm sorry. And it hurts. And I panic. And I don't want you to go. Please, just stay with me a little longer. Please, don't leave me yet. I can't go on alone. More specifically, I can't go on without you. Please. Please. Please. I'm begging you. I pray for you every night. I want you to be safe. And I want you to be happy. Huh, I guess if you'd be safer and happier without me, I should let you go. That is terrible. But it's true. I love you like a child loves its mother. I love you, Grace. •See ya- See ya•