Why Am I Here?

my new roommate’s best friend literally says “we’ll just go out for one drink” on a weeknight, goes to a club, has ONE drink while everyone else is getting to it, and then tells everyone when it’s time to go home so they can actually make it to class in the morning and I’m genuinely terrified by the amount of self control she has

saying you’ll just have one drink at the club on a school night and then following through and getting up for class the next day demonstrates the exact level of resolve it took to amputate your own arm on an 18th century battlefield

So that’s what a unicorn sounds like

PLEASE TURN YOUR SOUND ON

heS SO ANGRY

once i was babysitting my neighbor’s 6 year old and she asked me why i was so ugly and without thinking i said “i’m you from the future” and she cried for like 30 minutes

my party trick is wearing cool socks so people come up to me and say “hey man cool socks”

what if u accidently hear “hey man cool sucks*

i run out of the room in tears. then next time i see them they say “hey arent you the guy who stormed out of the last party crying?”. either way its a great icebreaker

if you stand outside of a vape shop and smoke a regular cigarette the owner walks outside and assassinates you

Is this real? Will that actually happen?

yes it happened to me once

It’s hard to imagine that when I will be 45 my son might reblog from me