PANTA REI

“Let me tell you, it’s a weird thing to feel at 54 years old, that for the first time in your life your mother sees you. It’s an odd realization that it’s the thing you’ve been missing, the only thing you wanted all along, to be seen. And it doesn’t feel like a relief, to finally be seen. It feels mean, like ‘Oh, it turns out that you knew what I wanted, and you waited until the very last moment to give it to me.’ I was prepared for more cruelty. I was sure that she would get in one final zinger, about how I let her down, and about how I was fat and stupid, and too tall to be an effective Lindy-hopper. How I was needy and a burden and an embarrassment. All that I was ready for. I was not ready for ‘I see you.’ Only my mother would be lousy enough to swipe me with a moment of connection on her way out. But maybe I’m giving her too much credit. Maybe it wasn’t about connection… That’s more my mom’s speed… She was out of it at the end, so maybe it’s dumb to try to attribute it to anything.”