Dooly Hours

I see you everywhere, triggers me with the slightest thing. Wish I could’ve damaged you the way you did to me

One year later and no one has made me feel the way you do. But still you were never right for me

And I ache, and ache, for the glimmer of love I had felt. It’s masochistic that I cloud my judgement with it, let it envelop me like a cloak. I yearn for the ache, yet now all I do is lick the wounds you left me

It's funny how the smallest things can trigger the biggest emotions. I passed someone in the grocery store, while browsing for fruits, and your scent threw me off. It was so familiar, and I remember the last time I was surrounded by it. I remember having your arms around me, I remember laying with you under my blankets, limbs tangled and smiles drunken with affection. I remember you caressing my arms, peppering kisses onto my face. But it's not you anymore, and it's not us anymore. You found another, and that betrayal shook me to my core. I don't know what hurt more, you leaving, or you telling me you cared for me so much, when in reality you never did. I guess I'll never know, but I'm now left with the scent of you the haunting memories that linger

I think of you less and less, you’re an inconvenient thought that comes forth at random times. You remind me that you made me feel small, when you had no business to. But because of you, I saw my self worth could waver, and I vow to never let anyone do that again

I wish I wish that there will be days when I don’t think of the hurt you caused me, of the honeyed words that you fed me that have turned sour, of the tender caresses you gave me that now make my skin crawl. I wish desperately for my own happiness, so I look to the blue sky and all its possibilities and dream…

I hope we never meet again but if we do, if fate brings your face in front of mine, I hope you regret all the hurt you gave me, if hope you wonder what would’ve happened if you didn’t crush my soul.

And suddenly…. Suddenly, I can breathe again

I pray to god that my attachment to him fades, that I look back on him fondly but not with an ache in my heart. But god I don’t need another lesson, I need to be loved like I deserve

I don’t know if I want to see you again. On one hand I still desperately hope you think of me, even though you hurt me. On the other hand, I hope we never cross paths, I hope I never see your hands interlocked with hers. But somehow I hope god listens to me and I hope that when I do see you I’m completely healed from the hurt you gave me, and I hope that I still don’t see you with love in my eyes, for you were never mine to keep

I remember our second date. It was perfect. It was awkward and we were giggling the whole time. You kissed me in your car and we made love in my home. I guarded my heart but I thought maybe it had finally found a home in you. But you proved me wrong and built a home with another. You tossed me aside like I was just something to pass the time, when I looked at you and saw a future. You gave me hope and for that I’m the fool. So now even three months later, I can’t get the image of you two out of my head, how it should’ve been us, how you probably are sharing the same laughter with her, how you share your struggles with her. I was no one to you, but to me, you were the first person I thought I could build a life with

I put you on a pedestal. Now it’s time to bury you in the ground

Can’t believe I was so naive. You’re just as bad as I never hoped you’d be

I asked God to show me if you were the one for me. But how funny of God to show me neither yes nor no. How funny for God to make me sit in uncertainty. How cruel of God to make me suffer. But God is benevolent and I hope that his plan for me will work itself out

Is there going to be a time where I completely forget your face? How your scent lingered on all my sheets the last time you lay with me. How the scratch of your beard was both harsh and comforting. How you lost your balance every time we kissed. Do you still try to think of my face? Do you close your eyes and outline my features the same way I do yours? Do you miss me in this harsh winter? Will you still think of me when spring comes …