Random Pieces of Writing

WHO KEEPS MAKING THESE

well this social situation isn’t going the way i acted it out in the shower

I do the same at the theater. I always say “enjoy your movie” and they almost always say “thanks you too” and it’s so great to watch the different reactions because some people will walk back to me and explain what they meant and it’s so great

THE LITERAL BEST COMIC IVE EVER READ IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

THE FORESHADOWING OMG

Well that was unexpected

Fantastic!

candles are how we keep fires as pets

as a serial killer my name would be the suspense so my victims would be like “oh no, the suspense is killing me” and we would both laugh right before i killed them

this joke only works for the next ten months and then it will never ever apply again and I think that’s beautiful

everything is temporary

couldn’t you just say four years time next year tho

would like to formally apologize to my friends for the times when i get really quiet and moody and stare off into space and don’t join in in the conversation i love all of you i’m sorry i can be a downer sometimes 

i relate

who even came up with the word motherfucker in the first place?

oedipus