the world’s most RADICAL iterator

hi. askblog for my iterator oc (ref + info here) that i made because i have 0 impulse control sorry

(lore masterpost)

this story contains depictions of emotional abuse, panic attacks, depression, self-hatred and other such rain world-adjacent themes. the text below is outdated and a time capsule—as you can see from the fact that there’s a Lore Masterpost, this is, in fact, horrifyingly, a super serious lore-centered oc

go wild and i will answer if i feel like it (in character thoughts will be in the post, out of character ones will go in the tags)! i’ll try to draw stuff and put effort in it but no promises. not big on roleplay as i haven’t done that in 3+ years and also this isn’t a super serious lore-centered oc, but like. shrugs

Sep Custody Scheduling Monday - ZOC Tuesday - Sar Wednesday - Ever Thursday - Comet Friday - iZa Saturday - Melon Sunday - Jaga

Sep strikes me as someone who might appreciate fidget toys. Or just having something to do with their hands (I'm partial to making origami myself). I'm sending over a package with a few small fidgets of varying types and materials (metal, plastic, etc.), a crochet kit, some yarn for finger knitting, a small booklet of tear-off origami paper, a couple hair ties, a puzzle, and a pair of those funny oblong magnets that make that odd sound. And a weighted plush of 33 because I don't think you've gotten many (any?) of those. Sep, I'd appreciate if you'd humor me and try a few of these out. Shouldn't get in the way of your productivity since I don't think you really need your hands for that (correct me if I'm wrong). Give it a shot if for nothing other than the sake of the scientific method (I'm testing a hypothesis here). Up to you though, of course.

This also made me think of fidget spinners, so I'll send a couple of those (one classic plastic, one light up) Wayback's way. And some of those foam capsule dinosaurs you put in water. Bet he'll love those :) .

Khm, hmm, that is, I do value the gesture. I am not one to refuse offerings. Especially ones of high quality such as these. I can tell this was a lot of thought and work, and…but…

I fear you are utterly mistaken in your impression of me. I do not need “something to do with my hands”, I don’t—I do not know why you would…this is not to undermine your efforts, of course, but I am quite unsatisfied with my chamber being used as a place to accumulate purposeless objects.

Because, truly, I do not know what expectations of my actions you had in mind when you sent these over. I do not “fidget”. I do not need “something to do with my hands”. These items add nothing to my productivity, they simply take up space and…I don’t have the time for this. Even if I did have time, I would not be utilizing it in such a senseless way. It’s really not…

A-and if you genuinely needed these tested for…the sake of science…you could have easily done that yourself, I apologize as that is inconsiderate, but it is the truth. Of course in every other circumstance I am always, always happy to provide help and do what’s required of me—this, however, is just…what you ask of me is…

…

Play with them!

I do not—(Needless Separation scoffs in disbelief, like that was an answer they weren’t completely anticipating)—“play”. Who do you take me for? A toddler?

heeeey, what’s the implication here, man? Playing’s fun! Playing with the things you got looks fun! There, logical conclusion just for you brother. PLUS they said it’s for their Hypothesis‼️‼️

I do n—

You Do Not Do Fun, right? Or something like that? You Have No Need For The Fun? You Do Not Require The Fun? did you know you speak like a cartoon villain

…

…….

Okay, fine, you don’t have to Play, but you got other stuff in there too, right? Like—oh! OH!

I—uhhhaha, yyyeah? i mean, what’s not to like, right? it’s also really fun and you get to make a pretty picture and feel smart about it, it’s like, very high on my tierlist of Activities. straight up A-tier

I simply did not take you for someone who…

…

Well, I would not use something as unsophisticated as “fun” to refer to it. I would call it intellectually stimulating, if anything.

oh, it’s intellectually stimulatingggg, okay whatever you say Mr. Serious (definitely not cartoon villain)

I—

i still think you should do it! i—well, i don’t know if you want to—probably not—but i could, y’know, help……or i couldn’t…..or i…………could………………………or i couldn’t. Or could I

…While, yes, this activity seems to at least serve as a solution to a problem of some kind and has a designated purpose, thus being made more appealing than all the…other ones, I am still, ah, busy. As you can see.

i can?

Yes.

Are…you busy?

…Yes. Was that—was that not obvious?

Oh, um…right.

…

So…

No, then.

…

…

…

or do you secretly like the glitter, huh? i bet you do.

is it because it's from waaaybaaackkk?

First of all, no, you are not smarter than me, otherwise you wouldn’t have mistaken the glitter for confetti. “Clearly” is also quite the reach, I could not possibly infer your thought process there—it was not “clearly” anything, certainly not a deflection, it was a simple correction of your mistake. Which is not something that needs to be blown way out of proportion, though I’m sure accepting criticism is an incomprehensible task when you are too busy speculating on things you have no knowledge of.

Second of all—regarding blowing things out of proportion—no, I do not like the glitter, and I do not want to keep it either. In what possible scenario would I want to keep it? Where in the world did you get that from? It’s bothersome, it’s a mass of infinitesimal sensations that just serves as a distraction—so far the only favorable thing about it has been getting rid of it. Why would I like it? And what signficance does the fact of it being sent from Wayback have? He sent it to all of us. Do you think it was just me? No. Do you think I would go about my actions differently if it was sent from anyone else? No. Is the implication that there is some kind of underlying—that it—

Don't tell me you somehow have so many pearls in your chamber that meticulously removing every piece of confetti is faster

I would really prefer to purge my chamber entirely, but I cannot feasibly do that without getting rid of my pearls as well, which would be counterproductive. So I have no choice but to methodically remove the glitter one by one.

It is…annoying.

…..just eating my rusty, eroded, older than she’s been alive, broken-ass equipment…

…

slinky if he was a train lizard <3

Sorry.

…

…

…Are you—

Fine. Fu—just—perfect.

…

No, I don’t—what do you mean? So they’ve just decided to play nice with the guy they hate? What the hell?

It is unexpected, yes. And sudden. But not unwelcome.

It’s unwelcome to me. Literally—No Way Back, of all people, the one they can’t stand—they’re just good buddies with him now, I guess! They let him make fun of them. Whatever he did to get on their good side—I can’t possibly be just as capable! Funny how that works! I try and I can’t ever get even a semblance of respect—

…

Ugh.

…You know you don’t have to think of it that way. I consider it a good development. It means things are improving, even if we’re not there to witness it.

…

Sure. Whatever. So happy for Sep and their inspiring journey of self-improvement.

…Perhaps it could be a sign that not all is lost, is what I’m getting at. That one day, you two might grow to understand each other after all?

Understand—

Oh, Weaves.

You…are aware that we cannot even cry properly, true? Not in the way our creators could, or any other fully organic being is capable of. We were not built with tear ducts. How do you even imagine that happening? An intricate, massive, full of separate organisms living superstructure…crying? Besides, can you conceptualize how much water would simply go to waste if that was the case?

I suppose we can mimic it—the labored breathing, the stumbling words, the tightness and the overwhelming surge of feelings and the hollowness afterwards, unable to think of anything—and the—the…general state one has to be in to provoke an emotional response like that.

…

Is…that what you’ve been doing? Does all of that make you feel better?

like i feel we can cut the middle man out here if you just communicate to him. surely your resources mentioned communication being the basis of all relationships

although. it's possible that he has problems with communication too. which would make things 100x times harder. but having at least one party be open and honest is better than none.

Can I ask what sort of arduous mental journey you had to go on to reach such an out-there conclusion? No Way Back has issues regarding communication—oh, what a concept. Excuse my tone, I am just so astonished by your discovery, you understand. Where could you possibly have gotten the idea?

Perhaps…well, I hope you excuse me once more, for these are my own personal musings…perhaps from all these quite subtle times he had been made uncomfortable, or made to feel uneasy, upset, hurt—I could go on—and how he had refused to voice any of his concerns regarding any issues he might have, even when pressed? How skittish and sometimes volatile he gets, when the conversation topic shifts to him and what his feelings are on any given sensitive subject? I’m sure you’ve noticed. Of course, I could also tell you the precise amount of times he has spoken the phrase “it doesn’t matter”, but, once again, I am certain that such an astute individual of your caliber is already aware of the number.

Next point. Let us assume that I have actually talked to No Way Back in the span of this cycle, and that I very directly stated the issue at hand, and quite genuinely, quite honestly asked him what he wants. Wanted, really, but let’s follow your formula. Naturally, this is a hypothetical, as I had failed to notice any of his aforementioned behaviors and failed to form any conclusions of my own, let alone that I should just confront him about his avoidant attitude and present him with the question of what he truly desires. Where was I? Oh, yes. Let us imagine that I unambiguously asked him what he wants. Now, imagine a theoretical answer to that question: “I don’t know”.

How can he not know, you ask? I do not fully comprehend it either. A mind like yours, perchance, is capable of figuring out the root cause of this seemingly unsolvable conundrum. Certainly not mine. In this scenario, I have failed to take note of anything substantial, as I suppose I am just that uncaring of what happens around me and of how my actions and words may impact someone. More than that, I probably did not even ask the question all that genuinely. Or honestly. It is very likely that I had some hidden, cruel motive underneath it all, and did not even care about whichever answer he would’ve offered me.

But even considering all of that—this is purely hypothetical. Beyond that, I did not actually ask him anything. As per the kind of being I am. Naturally.

It is what we were made to do. What we exist for. What I exist for. To hit a wall, prod at it from all angles, dig under it, exhaust all possible options, do a spin, turn around and find a different wall to chip away at. Repeat. Hit many more walls. Until, eventually, you find a brick that budges. A crack that finally gives you the answer.

It sounds perfect. Sufficient. The process of learning from your mistakes, coded with maximum efficiency in mind, honed to the point where nothing unnecessary was kept—only the core essence. No uncertainty. No weariness. Just mistake, after mistake, iteration after iteration. Then, an answer.

That’s what it should be. That’s what you—we should be.

But you can try many, many uncountable times, and still fail. Because, despite the name, we were not made just for that. We were made to offer answers. We exist to offer solutions. If you cannot do that, if you just try, and try, and try—

So what if I am trying? Is that bare minimum, my job I was created for, deserving of praise? Does that make it…acceptable? Justify what I’ve done? What I keep doing? Does trying erase the damage, the weight of words spoken through centuries and actions that can never be undone? It would be one thing, if it even actually led anywhere. To an answer. A remedy, one that would be capable of providing at the very least a groundwork for fixing all of this.

But that is the thing about trying. You can try and fail. You can try and have it not be enough. Because trying, on its own, was never going to be enough. You can do it again, and again, and again, and again, and again—and if you fail to synthesize the next course of action, to present the viable means to a change, if you just keep throwing yourself at the wall until you can’t think anymore—certainly not of a solution—and if you exist to try and solve, if this is all you were designed to do and you can’t even do that—what does that make you? What is the point of your trying? What is the point of you existing? What—

…

…

…

I…apologize, incredibly deeply. That entire…all of it, was wildly, unbelievably out of turn, completely irrelevant to the discussion at hand—not to mention disrespectful to…

…

I don’t know what I…

…

What I wanted to say was—was that, yes, trying does lead to failure more often than not. And that is not only the nature of it, that is the precise point. That is why we do what we do. If you try and fail, that is a sign to try again—in a different, innovative way this time. Then next time, because there is always a next time. Until you figure it out. Because that is what we’re here for—to figure it out.

…But…there are cases when it is, ah, quite…unproductive, to hit the same wall over and over. A fruitless endeavor is better left alone, and your attention better redirected elsewhere. For the time being, of course. You should always come back to it with newly found vigor and determination. Especially when the wall in question is…uh, hmm…

I-I suppose, what I’m trying to say, is that at least after my relatively illuminating conversation with No Way Back, I have a different issue to focus on. For the time being. Of course. And once I have helped him solve it, it will open up new paths for me regarding the…the being better problem. And once that issue is also swiftly resolved, I will finally be able to return to...

…To my purpose.

And it will finally feel right again. I—I’ll feel…

I mean, think about it—when you make something with the capacity to feel things, to have opinions, to crack jokes…you’re not really making much of a something, are you? So what came next came naturally—I wasn’t just a machine, I wasn’t just a tool. I was a babysitter. I was your listener for the cycle. I was a fun guy to spend time with. I was a…a friend.

A-and so on and so forth. All of this is to say it wasn’t really a popular sentiment to think of us as just things, yeah? And I say this as someone who, I will very very begrudgingly and very very quietly admit, was not a fan-favorite among some of my creators, who I still believe were just a very vocal minority. It’s even less popular now—why not be a person when there’s nobody left to stop you? I don’t know what kind of Iterators you’ve been in contact with, but most I know are pretty damn people-adjacent and not afraid to show it!

…

…

…Okay.

Then I guess you found it a little weird too, didn’t you?

‘An Iterator is not exactly a person.’

I wonder if they just never had somebody to show them that they could be.