swamped with deadlines

in that first scene, he noticeably startles when his name is called (feeling anxious and guilty there, light?). look at the sheer PANIC on his face when he thinks he has to check again, to make sure it's real, that if he actually killed someone then he has to find someone who it's "okay" to kill (even if the compulsion to do so is literally making him look unwell). he HAS to be good. his mind cannot reconcile light yagami, the perfect morally upright student, with the killer that he has suddenly become.

even if he does perform this role of a perfect student—someone who everyone thinks is driven and intelligent with a bright future ahead—he's so empty inside. he's listening to people talking about such ordinary things and wishing that they'd die. he's so disillusioned with the world. it's such an extreme way of thinking, but take the fact that he's pretty sheltered, under pressure to perform the role of a perfect son and student, has a cop for a dad, and then immerse him in a world that is saturated with horrifying news outlets all around him constantly. anybody in that situation would become bitter about the state of the world

i do think it's interesting that he calls this boredom. while that's partially true, i don't think he means to say that taking on the role of kira is necessarily "fun" in the ordinary sense of the word. i just think that he's been living his life on the track to burning out, if he wasn't already completely burned out and numb inside, and that this notebook suddenly gives him hope again. it's something to cling to. and even if it's ripping him apart inside with stress, at least that feels more like being alive than feeling nothing at all

what's startling is that despite what appeared to be cynicism he's actually incredibly... optimistic??? look at that face! he looks so young here (he's just a teenager)... his mindset is SO incredibly naive. he's thinking along the lines of a child who believes that you can just defeat bad guys and save the day. there's zero thought into what systems of power exist that drive people to crime in the first place, no thought given to how complex people can actually be. he just thinks that there are Bad People and Good People. if he gets rid of Bad People, then everything will be okay! "innocent" seems like the absolute worst word to describe him but it's just so. he genuinely believes he can make the world better with such an awfully flawed mindset. look at how bright his eyes are

even though he's incredibly sheltered and naive regarding his views of the world, he's still highly intelligent. but the thing is. intelligence does not equal being correct all of the time. i think it's precisely because he's so skilled at overthinking and rationalizing that he is able to justify himself and his awful actions so rapidly

it's the leap from oh god i did something evil (sheer panic) > wait actually i killed people who must have deserved it, i must have done the right thing (still panicked, but rationalizing) > i am the ONLY one who can do this, i was CHOSEN to wield this power and act as a GOD over a more beautiful world (gripping onto self-confidence like a lifeline)

in his mind there is good and there is evil. evil deserves punishment. which means there is little to no room for nuance or mistakes. therefore, since light is definitely GOOD, then EVERYTHING he does will be rationalized as good, for a higher and worthy cause. he cannot fathom himself as the evil he sees in the world and hates so much—he's not the evil one, those who oppose him are!

but still. still. even after all of this rationalization. even if he acts confident. i think there is a part of him that is crumbling under the weight of guilt. he's excellent at distracting himself and compartmentalizing it all and lying, but it's there. he's stressed. he admits to having nightmares. he's speaking of kira, of himself, in the third person, creating mental distance and separation from his own actions that a part of him buried deep inside feels is wrong. kira might have to kill his family, and he tries to smile with confidence, but he's nervously sweating. to kira this would have to be the right thing to do, but light knows it's wrong. the psychological dissonance is incredible. i think he just learns to get better and better at drowning out the part of him that knows it's all wrong

i guess the point of all of this rambling is that i don't really think light is special in how fast he spiraled into this mindset, that he had some inherent darkness inside waiting to come out, or that he's incapable of feeling any remorse. i think he's just an ordinary intelligent sheltered kid over-exposed to horrific news who suddenly got the power to change the world and, instead of being able to accept that he did something wrong, desperately clings to a moral extreme to keep himself from drowning. he's so human it hurts

it's so easy to find people who think exactly like him. people who never really grew up to comprehend the complexities of the world, people who don't realize that anyone can be driven to commit crimes out of desperation (including themselves). they cling to this idea that you can just defeat evil people and have a happy perfect world with good and pure people because it's simple. it's comforting.

it doesn't require you to think about how to challenge and change massive corrupt systems of power. it doesn't require you to understand why someone has done horrible things and to wonder if, in another situation, they could have been better, or that they might be capable of change. it's also convenient and safe for a person to think that they could never be capable of wrong, because they're one of the good ones. they never have to face accountability or reconcile with the fact that perfectly decent people screw up and harm others all of the time. it's just safer to believe that you're good and never have to work on changing yourself.