The Aimless One

I haven't showered for three days, i don't feel like getting out of bed, i let myself get feverish buried in my blanket then i take it off and let the cold air claim me, i alternate between overheating and freezeing myself just so i can feel something. I watched this video that talked about how we lie to ourselves, and i could see myself in every symptom, in every sceniro, I've always lied to myself to make me feel better or to make others feel better, but when the facade loses its effect i crumble, i fall into this depth of sadness and emptiness, something that's always been there but I've managed to fill it with things, mostly hobbies I've taken up and forgon just as fast, tv shows and obsessions with charcters which never last, I've also filled the void with people as horrible as that may seem, i suck up their love and affection and convince myself that that's what i need, that's what's missing, it dawned on me a few times that I'm nothing but a horrible leech of a person but i struggle with that notion daily, i am undeservent of anyones love or attention, i am worthless, i cause pain and I'm nothing but trouble, it hurts me constantly that i keep this. my true nature from others, all the pain i could've caused all that's rotten in me. This is what i am, a ticking time bomb.