hysterics

when u pull up to the 'hating and being so disgusted with yourself so intensely for your entire life that you're convinced no amount of therapy could help you because it's the core of who you are and you can't imagine ever being okay with yourself' competition but i've already arrived...

ok this is gonna sound fucked up but when ppl ask me why i have a sh addiction (tho its been a long time since i have done it) i feel i can tell them some of the reasons.. like the ones that dont make me sound as crazy? like externalizing the issues i have so they seem real, the release, the blah blah. but i legit can't tell ANYONE or admit at all that yes, a big part of it is that i simply like blood. i like watching myself bleed. the sight of it calms me and takes me out of my head. i'm genuinely into it. and like people assume that those who sh only do it when they're breaking down and crying but i was so deep in the addiction that id make a nice evening of it.. light some candles, sit in the bathtub and do it. like i can never ever admit that to anyone without them being like 😦 so i guess nobody will ever truly know me