mentally unstable

Yeah go if you want to

I'll be alright, be alright

Well I've made so many messes

And this love as grow so restless

You would like enough but just

I won't let you go the mess

Gather further distance while we sleep

Build a wall of glass thick and deep

We hear but choose not to listen

And we drift far away in our dreams

Gather further distance while we sleep

Still the bridge is enflamed with fire

Leave all the love we had behind

Slow down

We need to slow down

We need to slow down so I can catch you

We need to slow down so I can catch you

i became just air, I have no worth for you anymore.

I'm trying to make them stop, stop talking, messing with my mind. I'm fragile and scared.

im awful

blame me

fragile

When panic hits you hard, and you can't breathe at all.

Tell me how you do it. You don't feel your heart beating at all.

Tell me how you do it. Stay sane alone all night.

Tell me how you do it. No demons to fight.

Tell me how you do it. Fell asleep with no pain.

22 of November. Here I am one more time, in bed, alone, in his eyes am pathetic, crying. I am crying, because I'm not loved, not at all.

I'm pathetic that I need to hear I'm loved, that I am cared for. It's a crime to want some reassuring from your significant other nowadays, it's cool to be distant and uncaring. To call each other once a week, barely message.

There's good sides of being emotional wreck. I can close my eyes, I can take myself back to summer, suck all those feelings into my soul and live the moments I enjoyed the most. But that's not too long lasting.

nBe me, spend months in miserable and messy thoughts, without medication Allow your emotions, lifestyle and relationships getting worse, don’t see it Do your best everyday to keep yourself sane and normal, trust me it’s a real struggle, it isn’t just bad decision making and being late from school It’s more like keeping myself from doing extreme things, thinking a while longer before opening my mouth, literally constant “selftalking”  “its okay, its okay, its okay” / “stop thinking that he has no intention to hurt you” / “don’t overinterpret messages he sends or things he says, don’t cling to first weird thing he says”, drinking a little less to stay normal, making more compromises, talking about things instead of crying alone like me now haha äksdee. Think about being a person who haven’t been told nice things too much in their lives or mostly being not cheered up or told great job etc when they did something right or well, instead i’ve got told what i could do better. Only thing to help me is drowning myself in positive thoughts, it helps me a lot, if the other one doesn’t see I’m making progress I feel worthless, it’s maybe my fault, whole progress has been only illusion. I wish to be noticed for the good things, so I can concentrate on them. I want to become a better person but I can’t since past Jasmine is ruining everything, anything I do now can’t be good because failed in past, I’m only a human. So I gotta concentrate on my past and what I’ve been two months ago, do I want to be that person again, NO I DON’T. That keeps me to going back to that, I want to see things that are better now.

Be me and see that every step forward is worth of being happy about, because that’s progress that’s what I personally am aiming for, to make better relationships, to be better for myself, keeping things together. Being told that things such as this should be taken for granted always sounds horrible.

Feeling not suicidal or not wanting to hurt myself, that’s an achievement too. I want to be happy about since I’m a person who has suffered for this a long time, other things doesn’t have to be this big to be worth of being happy and praising. I rather praise things going better  and well than go through negative aspects of our past relationship. You don’t tell me how to get better, or how to do things better to make you feel better (not talking about cleaning because that’s obvious ofc). How am I supposed to know what to do, if anyone else can’t even give me the answer, how I’m supposed to be a superhuman and know. Still for the thousandth time, if i had a button to turn my feelings off I’d definitely do that, because I’m not choosing these feelings, they have always existed. I don’t want to choose heartkilling aches when something negative happens, I don’t want my body shaking and undergoing through past traumas in my dreams, dream repeats, I wake up sweaty and my whole body is like on fire for anxiety. This all needs just love and help, mostly understanding and holding my hand, telling me fear is not necessary.  Making me feel not certain feelings is hard, and they need a lots of time to recover from, lots of opposite feelings and acts of trust. I know I can get better and I know I’m “renewable”  

That’s like forcing a dog who has been 10 years free and living very freely countryside to live in small apartment in the city, dog will be jumping on walls and very anxious and doesn’t know how to adapt or cope with the situation. 

I’m not telling you can’t be scared of bad things to happening again, but I don’t think it’s reasonable at the moment since I see myself getting better. I can’t have space for negative things inside my head now or I’ll go road down to the hell again. I need to be loved, reassured, trusted in and I want to plan my future. 

How can I tell you that I know. I saw, I did, morally wrong. Saw something I shouldn’t see, my thoughts keep haunting me Maybe I should give up, set you free. Waiting for the remedy, stab myself deep I should’ve known better, past is still the past Always so keen, how I am, where have I been But you can’t face me, so often I wonder who’s this “is it even me” I’m bad person, I’m becoming everything I hate. But when I look at you, I only see you two, you two together. Your happiness is better than mine.

I’m dependable, curious, nervous, and anxious. Because I can’t tell, can’t say, can’t know.

Why don’t you tell me? Tell me already, I want to know a thing I haven’t been told yet, but I know it already.

I probably never will be understood about this.

I want to keep my past and future apart. I didn’t mean to hurt you in any way, that’s why I break down with my feelings of not belonging anywhere at the moment, won’t belong anywhere till I can have you home again. 

Nothing else, just that. I’ve always been loyal and honest as best as I can.

You’ve been always so scared and fragile so I wanna keep you away from that, why you try to push so deep into that, deeper and deeper. 

Nothing is sure, my life is hectic. Come back and spend the night with me.

I love you Jay, always will. I hope you understand I just wanted to spend time with someone instead sitting at home all alone.