what if ii characters took you out on a date to olive garden
Apple: she thinks this restaurant is extremely fancy. She’s never been inside. wears a clip-on bow tie (she wanted a real one but Test Tube wouldn’t hand one over, saying “it’s the olive garden, wear a t-shirt, you animal,”) and tries to fold the cloth they wrap the utensils in into her shirt to use as a bib. you know that feeling you get when you’re in a snooty store that you’re lowering the stock value of the place just by being poor inside of it? she has that the whole time. she’s sweating like crazy and thinks she has to order for you (”and for the gentleman/lady/etc”). as for her order, she gets two appetizers (mozzarella sticks and soup) and attempts to politely scarf them down. emphasis on scarf.
OJ: has a husband but is still VERY excited to eat all this Italian food. Brings his husband with him. Ends up getting that smoked cheese dip thing. he shows up in the classic “gay man in olive garden” look–button-up unbuttoned to the second button, collar popped, sleeves rolled up, fun pattern, hair combed back but it sticks up in a weird sort of way. a king, truly. you are enamored with him. he makes comments about every single item on the menu and orders a dessert to-go.
Nickel: nickel is disgusted by you and disgusted by the olive garden to the point that he finds it almost offensive, but you absolutely begged him to take you here (”as a child, I was denied the privilege of an olive garden dinner experience. it was always my dream that some knight in shining armor would save me and buy me an unlimited pasta pass.”) he tries to be polite and bite his tongue, but he can’t contain his looks of contempt at every piece of decor there. he grimaces at your order no matter what it is. ultimately, all he orders is unlimited salad; after that he just makes the waiter grind Parmesan onto an empty plate until he says “when” for his own entertainment.
Bow: somehow you are in an Applebee’s
Lightbulb: wears an entire mime ensemble to the date, included with really well done full face makeup, unaware that mines are french, not faux pas italian. she loudly informs you that you look lovely before replacing her single crab with breadsticks. she is delighted with this. there is now a single crab on the dining table. she whispers to him that he is “safe from the reddened lobster across the street”. later she decides to test the true limits of limitless breadsticks by continually asking for more despite the growing pyramid of uneaten breadsticks before her, until it’s just you, her, a crab, and this bread wall she built between you. she does tip 20% though
Firey Bfb: ooh jesjus fucck oh god og god how did he get in the post how did he get in the olive gardene oh fucj;;;;;
Tissues: is a sweet guy, really, and very polite but he is constantly sniffling. You offer him a claritin. He does not take it. Instead he rubs too much mint scented hand sanitizer onto his hands, and then somehow smells like the soundtrack of best picture movie The Sound Of Music. His eyes are swollen so badly that he has to squint to look at the menu, where you then have to read off the options to him. The only he can eat without setting off his “condition” is a lasagna fritter. However, just being in the nearby proximity of your ordered penne pasta was enough to trigger a massive sneezing fit that sends three people into emergency care. He is asked to leave the establishment by Olive Garden officials, who is then forced to quarantine the entire block. The waitress pities you and offers a free, complimentary dessert. It tastes bad.
Salt: catfished you on the designated dating app and sends Pepper instead, who nearly cries when you tell her she looks nice. Salt spends $200 on shoes in a nearby outlet mall.
Trophy: he forgot you two had a date and left you on read for every text you sent while sitting alone in an olive garden booth.
Soap: she is the picture perfect date. Opens the car door for you, opens the door to the restaurant for you, pulls your chair out for you, says please and thank you to all the servers, sanitizes the menu and holds it with rubber gloves, gives wistful looks to the chilli’s nearby, recommends food to you on the menu. She orders reasonably priced food and a sweet tea, is a delight to talk to, doesn’t leave a mess. But she keeps staring out the window. What’s so interesting about the window. There is a chilli’s, it is the chilli’s. She tastefully sets the napkin in her lap. She tastefully stares out the window. It’s too late; in your soul you know it won’t work out. You’ve already lost her to her true love, her heart set on the chilli’s. To baby back ribs. Goddamn those baby back ribs.
turnnoffyourmind
areudirty
prguitarman
germansingergirl
theartofmadeline
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
yousharknotpass
