Bad Writing

In Episode 1, we are told that Kaufmo went crazy because of his search for a non-existent exit. We can also see that in Kaufmo's room: he had an obsession with it. So did Kaufmo really abstract because of Jax? It seems to me that Jax and Kaufmo were not as close as Jax an Ribbit, so the breakdown in the Jax-Kaufmo friendship wouldn't be as severe for Kaufmo, as the breakdown in her relationship with Jax was to Ribbit. Of course we can't completely trust what Kinger said while not in darkness, but I do think the room speaks for itself.

We also see Jax constantly tormenting Ragatha, both in the flashback specifically, and in the show as a whole, yet she didn''t abstract. We don't really get to see that with Kaufmo, except for 1-2 conversations, where Kaufmo looks more... heavily annoyed or disappointed, rather than scarred like Ragatha or (especially) Ribbit. It is possible that Kaufmo abstracted primarily due to him going crazy over finding the exit (unattainable goal, like Ragatha said), rather than due to Jax, but Jax doesn't realise that and just takes responsibility for something that had (in comparison) little relationship to him.

Episode 3

Episode 8

Usually I write a character analysis post, but I feel this show has been analysed to the lat pixel. So, I decided to put up a poll (with bad jokes) that took 5 minutes to make.

Zooble: will swear no matter the circumstances. Part of daily speech

Pomni: You [sproing!] messed up if you got her to swear (or you are testing out the censoring).

Kinger: only has two reasons to swear. Either he is utterly and completely disappointed, or we are mere seconds away from an apocalypse

Pomni waving scene fanart

WARNING! CONTAINS DISCUSSIONS OF SUICIDE AND ADDICTION! ALSO, I AM NOT A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL! IF YOU NEED HELP, GET IT! FROM CERTIFIED EXPERTS, NOT A RANDOM NOBODY ON THE INTERNET!!!!!!!!!

Pomni was willing to sacrifice herself in order to save Jax, something the latter didn't deserve, according to Jax herself. Yet, Pomni could never bring Jax back. Not only it would significantly weaken the finale's emotionality (from the story's perspective), it is also implausible. After all, you can't revive a person who committed suicide.

In Jax's case, she practically sentenced herself to a form of virtual death. Jax was being eaten alive by guilt and her own actions. She refused to seek help and did get what (she thought) she deserved. She committed social suicide, which was followed by an actual suicide. However, I am not so sure this applies to other abstractions.

This post by Caine's VA shows that not everything is set in stone regarding abstractions. I will not be talking (a lot) about the new implications regarding Jax's story, but I do want to mention the way(s) this information affects other abstracted characters (with a focus on Ribbit).

It is clear that Ribbit abstracted because of her conflict with Jax. However, the suicide allegory doesn't fit Ribbit nearly as well as it fits Jax. People can give up on life in different ways and I doubt that the way that Jax did it is the only way to go in the circus. Sure, to an outsider all abstractions are the same and it would be nearly impossible to distinguish two abstracted characters. This may be a parallel to how both suicide and heavy addictions... kill. To an outsider, to the majority, the grave of someone who threw themselves off of a bridge is hardly different from the grave of someone who overdosed; in the circus, abstractions have different reasons for ocuring, but the abstracted all look the same to others.

The difference here, is that addiction kills slowly, while suicide is quick. The moment someone jumps, they are no longer reachable to save. The destination is right there, so once someone departs, the arrival will come quickly. That is, unless they get lucky and someone grabs their hand at the last moment. Meanwhile, addiction is a spiral that someone can drag you out of before it's too late. It is possible to intervene yourself, or to get help from professionals while the person is on the spiral.

Jax's story, at least to me, fits the former description better, but Ribbit may have options. Instead of turning to the most radical option, she may have found herself spiraling down the addiction path. There is no concrete evidence of this, but it just feels like the confrontation with Jax wouldn't be enough to push Ribbit so far that she would chose suicide. Together with the "longterm care" analogy from Rochon, this means that it may be possible to salvage Ribbit. Pulling someone out of addiction is no easy task. I didn't have such experiences, but I can imagine how much of a hell it is. Still, just because chances are low, doesn't mean that they are zero.

Since it is impossible to fully die in the circus, any such "addiction-abstractions" will not end in full death, meaning intervention will never be too late. May be even Jax isn't entirely hopeless, since with the "death is impossible" setting, she could be in a coma, rather than a digital grave. Regardless, therapy/longterm care/treatment can succeed. Of course, blunt intervention might do no good, which is why Caine limited himself to only temporary modifiers; his attempts at directly "fixing" Scratch only made things worse. Which is why (I assume) neither Jax, nor Ribbit, nor the other abstracted, were brought back at the end (besides weakening the emotionality of the story): the effort needed for anything like this would be monumental and it still would take forever to help even a single person (and the result still isn't guaranteed). Plus, the final choice on whether to accept help to follow through regarding rehabilitation still lies with the abstracted individual. The change has to be assisted and be helped (immensely), but it has to be chosen from within first.

Ragatha and Jax have so much in common. No, really. Both had a traumatic childhood and a difficult relationship with their parents who were seemingly too demanding of their (respective) children. Both also had tough relationships with other circus members, with Jax just being a piece of crap and Ragatha being suspected of being disingenuous (in the words of Gangle in ep. 4). Heck, Ragatha even has "repressed lesbian aura" in the words of Gooseworx, so there's one more similarity to Jax.

Yet, Ragatha is infinitely more kind and better as a person compared to Jax. And it has to do with choices made along the way, as always is the case when Jax is involved. Both developed safety mechanisms for protecting themselves and others in response to their traumas, but while Jax chose to shut herself away, Ragatha chose to give herself up in the name of helping others. I will try to talk less about Jax this time, but focus as much as possible on Ragatha.

Ragatha, just like Jax, had a lot to go through in her childhood, even if her family was wealthy. Yet, at least once in the circus, she adopted the strategy of being as little of an inconvenience as possible. She prohibited herself from being an issue to anyone, which made it impossible to her to go against others' wishes, even if it was the better choice, like when she promised not to bring up Ribbit to Jax. She also tried to hide any and all discomfort with others and her surroundings, which is an impossible task even for her. This led to her often being/seeming disingenuous, like in episode 5.

TO BE CLEAR (!): I am not saying that Ragatha was the reason that Jax abstracted, or responsible for all the problems in the circus, she WASN'T!

In short, while Jax believed herself to be a horrible person (and let's be honest, she did do terrible things) who shouldn't open up (out of fear of pain) and pushed away people to protect them and herself, Ragatha did the opposite. She did everything to keep others close to herself; since in real life she often felt like she was a failure (thanks to her mom), she did everything to be present for everyone, no matter what she actually was feeling/going through. This made her seem dishonest and/or needy of others, like the scene above (from ep. 5) shows.

In short, her "people-pleasing" was often pushing others away, even if it wasn't as bad (or to the extent) as whatever Jax was up to. Her actions, meant as a way to protect others from feeling like Ragatha with her mom, and as a defense mechanism in order for herself to escape (unjustified) hate, only made her insincere to others. The main difference between her and Jax here is that the latter wants to be as unlikable as possible (and is successful) and the former wants to be as likable as possible (and isn' successful).

However, just as Jax's mask of cruelty ended up taking over part of her personality, so did the "people-pleasing" mask take over part of Ragatha (if anything, I think that she always desired to be nice, even before the circus). And that ended up helping her in the end because even though some did believe for Ragatha to be disingenuous, Kinger (and Pomni) saw that her niceness, while sometimes excessive and often covering up her pains, was not a simple act but a part of her. With this, Kinger was able to tell her that it's possible to be nice without people pleasing, while Pomni showed Ragatha that she was and still is appreciated and loved.

To summarise this 3 AM drivel, Ragatha's "people-pleasing" was based on her real self wishing the best for everyone, which meant that those who saw and realised that would seek to be with Ragatha on her journey through the Digital Circus (which is what she desired). But this could only happen because Ragatha CHOSE to be close to others, rather than choosing to push everyone away like Jax. In the end, being with others paid off. While Ragatha experienced similar, if not higher, abuse levels from other people (mainly her mom & Jax) in her life compared to Jax (both outside and ESPECIALLY inside the circus), different "other people" (mainly Kinger and Pomni) were the ones who also gave her the light despite all her troubles, while Jax never received that light.

Ragatha may have been more exposed to the daggers of abuse than Jax, but she was also open to the "IV" of acceptance, friendship, and understanding, which proved more important than any amount of shields. Jax had the "shields," but bled behind them by not allowing any aid to come through, even if it was from people genuinely trying to help.

The lesson here? Don't sacrifice sincerity for the sake of people-pleasing, it will not do you good in the trust department. But do try to show genuine kindness to those in need, keep yourself open to others (within reason). Strong walls won't save you from yourself, your friends will. Being kind and expressing your true concerns don't have to contradict each other; the latter will help others to see your sincerity and give them the ability to come to your aid when needed while the latter, reinforced by your reputation of honesty, will allow you to care for others and show them the light of care that so many seek without success.

Jax has pushed so many towards abstraction, but here she pulled Pomni to the brink of one. When you push others away, make them feel unwanted and at fault, they abstract. But when you abstract, others, closest to you, may cling on to you despite anything, and it is important that you let them drag you away from abstraction in time, or you will be the one pulling them with you.

Pomni, though, got lucky. She had Zooble and Ragatha and Kinger and Gangle to save her. Jax was beyond the point of no return, but Pomni was saved from the brink, even if (in the moment) she had to be practically forced to release her grip.

I am convinced that this letting go was more painful (emotions-wise) that the physical suffering she felt when glitching.

For me, it is yet another reminder from Jax's story that regardless if you successfully pushed them away, or if they broke through your defenses, they may not end in a place where you don't want them to be. Let friends drag you out of the pit of self-hatred, rather than pulling/pushing them towards the pit of abstraction.

Also, want to put this here for more people to see.

These aren't (just) masks (spoilers ahead).

On a quick note, there is no reason for me to write this. This is simply a way for me to set my own understanding of the finale straight, as well as, maybe, clarify some details about Jax's character. The conclusions here, as the opinions provided, aren't revolutionary by any means, aren't the ultimate truth, and were written for my own entertainment. I do hope, my words do some good to someone though

I don't think these "fake Jax" characters are as simple as just masks. Let's go one by one.

The piano Jax is the closest we SEE in this scene to a "real Jax." Not only we saw her (and Pomni) sing "Daisy Bell" in episode 6, that is the song that Jax is playing on the piano in this scene. But it would be foolish to say that by looking at the artistic Jax we saw the entirety of the "real Jax;" she is way more complicated than piano and singing.

The "maid Jax" is a mask. It is the mask of ironizing and ignorance. When Kaufmo abstracts in episode 1 and Jax pretends to be calm and unfazed, when Jax tries to ignore Ribbit in the finale, it is the mask that she turns to. It is also the weakest of these masks. As we seen in episode 9, she does care. She nearly cries for Kaufmo, and the "not caring for Ribbit" bit is hardly believable to anyone, including Ribbit, with whom Jax gets into a shouting match. This mask is far from Jax's real identity, and is simply a first line of her self defense mechanism.

The "Cartoonish Jax" is the representation of lies that Jax told herself about the circus. While she merely pretends not to care, Jax fooled herself into believing nothing is real, as seen by the scene in episode 8.

"This is real." That was the realization that his actions had real consequences. Before this, Jax has seemingly convinced that she was in a video game or a cartoon. There may have been cracks in that worldview, but it had mostly held, until that moment. Suddenly, the damage done by her to other turned out to be real. Sure, in the end the all turned out to be brainscans, but their pasts were still real, as were their relationships. The fact, that this realization was such a revelation for Jax means (to me, at least) that it may have started as a mask, but it became a keystone part of her worldview regarding the circus. The mask was glued to the face, although it proved possible (to Kinger) to tear it away from the face, even if the action, or the consequences to Jax's psyche, was unintentional.

The final of the masks shown was the "cruel Jax." On occasion, Jax could be open and honest (if not outright nice), for instance when discussing the fear of corn in episode 6. But this, to her, seemed like a weakness. I don't think I need to explain this, so I will skip to the main part; she overcompensated for her opening up to mom and Ribbit by turning to cruelty. Also nothing new, but just as practice makes perfect, so does acting in a particular turns defense mechanisms into habits, and masks into personality traits. Pushing away Ribbit was a horrible reaction to fear of this being held over Jax's head (which is directly said in Ribbit-Jax shouting match), but cruelty to Pomni, attempts to push her away in episode 6 after the gun fight was more of a habit. Sure, there was a defense element to it, but the phrase "I [would] probably forget about you," seemed almost rehearsed. It wasn't, but it was coined by months, if not years of pushing people away and being cruel to others. Jax didn't even realise what she said until Pomni turned around and almost shot herself. This is because the cruelty mask became a part of her personality. A way to hide "her" and present a profile of "him." Profile of cruelty, ignorance, and denial. In the end, it became the only thing that everyone saw, including Jax!

Luckily, people are more complicated than their masks and defense mechanisms. Going back to the example from episode 6, when Jax saw Pomni's reaction to HIS words, SHE then followed up with "[...] can't take a joke [...]" which is an indication that the real Jax was never fully covered up (JUST TO BE CLEAR, I am not saying that all men are cruel, I am saying that the male cultivated in Jax was of the toxic kind). Despite the habit of cruelty, and the distorted world view, she was still there to, on a rare occasion, remind the masks (and herself) of the rights and wrongs. She did learn from Ribbit's and Kaufmo's abstractions, that losing people you're close it is far, far worse than showing vulnerability. In fact, after this moment (when Pomni throws her pistol at her) Jax ends up showing vulnerability, when she displays her real feelings regarding herself to Pomni.

Above, I tried to show that those aren't simply masks, but genuine parts of Jax's personality and even (to an extent) identity. Pomni wasn't looking at Jax's defenses, but, in at least two instances (cruelty and piano), the real Jax! It just so happened, that these traits weren't determined by genetics, or education, or social status, but by Jax herself (with the "help" from her mom). Jax chose to cultivate cruelty in herself, until it largely replaced her, and added covers of ignorance and denial of reality on top.

Which brings me to the point that has already been made several times by others (albeit, in different words): Jax chose this path. She chose to lock the best of her parts behind chains while expanding upon her worst traits to defend against others. But those mechanisms consumed her real self, leaving no room to escape. Despite this, Jax was given several opportunities not to descend down this path. In Ribbit's room, most obviously, she was offered a plan to settle issue with her identity and childhood, but she rejected it, instead opting for the alternative discussed above.

When that proved a deadly path for others, Jax doubled down on this road with Kaufmo and Ragatha, pushing them away as hard as possible, to protect not just herself, but also them. When that proved to be counterproductive to the utmost extent, it simply convinced Jax that this road was her real identity, with everything else being locked away further for others to never see.

This is where the Pomni factor enters the fray. Pomni genuinely tried to reach out, putting Jax into an internal conflict. Kinger's revelations in episodes 8 & 9 added on top. Jax realised where the road was leading. The locked away "real Jax" started fighting back. This is my explanation for why Jax approached Pomni after she and the others began rebuiding the circus. However, the worldview that has formulated after 2 abstractions (Ribbit, Kaufmo) and 4 ruined friendships (Ribbit, Kaufmo, Ragatha, and Pomni) gave one last fight. When Jax said "You're not supposed to care," she was sincere. In her worldview, she didn't deserve to be saved. Not after everything. The worldview won, after which, it was too late to do anything.

Jax's choices in the circus let her to pick the worst path and then double down on it. But when she realised it was the worst way to go, she didn't found the strength in herself to turn off that path and instead of accepting someone else's hand to go on a better road, she decided that she was underserving of help, spiraling down to abstraction. The moral is clear: accept help and don't abandon yourself in despair and thoughts that you are unworthy of something. Take the help now, because there IS someone who cares and doesn't want to hear you say "I don't want to go."

One more thing. As I was wrapping this up, I realised that the phrase could be interpreted with double meaning. Jax never wanted to abstract, she didn't want this to be irreversible, but even now she might (I can't say for sure if she means it, it's up to interpretation) be refusing to accept Pomni's help, and I don't think this is just a habit of pushing people away (this time). Jax thinks that she deserves this end and, while she doesn't want it to all end like this, she also has no wish to subject others to her presence, if she chooses to accept help. In my opinion, she thinks wrong, she (and anyone else in a similar position!!!) should accept help.

This is a note to take: when you push others away constantly, it allows you to be consumed by the worst doubts and thoughts, so that even the threat of the point of no return may not be enough to accept help. And while it may be impossible for you to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" alone, you can allow others to pull you before its too late. You are worth their efforts. Please accept people into your life. Going down the path of rejection of, and cruelty to, others, will only bring the point of no return closer, whatever it may look like in your case. But if you accept others, they will help you avoid, or leave this path. And once on a good road, you can stay there, going along with your life, or helping others find theirs. This is why YOUR LIFE SPECIFICALLY is worth so much, because without it, all lives around lose. Even if you feel unworthy, others can make you feel better, help you get out of the moor and onto a better path, so that you can pass that newly earned worthiness on.

No one asked, no one will read, and it might as well stay that way. Unrelated to the previous post, for any accidental wanderers

Practicality. So necessary and yet so absent. When was the last time it was thought of? I study, share trivia, give questionable analogies, and everyone is amazed. But where will all of it lead? Bismark may have been the father of modern Germany, who redefined European politics, but he won't be giving me job prospects.

Alex was standing, blankly staring at his white door blankly. Each morning he woke up with the same question in mind, "where is all of this going?" He hasn't talked to his parents in days, yet their words remained stuck in his head. He knew they were right. He wished he could answer them. It wasn't the first time he tried to reply. Not to them, but to himself. Yet, he couldn't.

"No one needs history."

His mom was brutally honest. She couldn't care less, and neither could the world. Well, the history teacher did, but that was the exception that proved the rule. Neat knowledge about the Tudor dynasty can't pay rent, unless you transfer it to others, forcing those unfortunate interlopers to choose between dying of boredom, unemployment, or teaching.

Alex shook his head. No time. Geometry started in 20 minutes, and he still was inside his home. He grabbed his backpack and opened the door. Briefly stopping, he tried to remember if he had forgotten anything, then walked out of the room and slammed the door. His parents were already at work, so he wasn't afraid to wake them up. Once out of the front gate and on the sidewalk, he picked up pace, trying in vain to outrun his thoughts. But the rhythmic rattling of the wheels on his backpack against the sidewalk seemed to give the thoughts an edge in this race. Why. did. it. have. to. be. history. why. not. physics. or. math. He walked looking down at the ground, too deep to care for his surroundings.

Suddenly he felt a pull on his left sleeve.

"What?!"

Alex spun his whole body around towards the nuisance with such momentum that his backpack drifted onto the asphalt. Wait, asphalt? Instinctively, Alex pulled his right hand towards him and turned his head over the right shoulder towards the road he almost stepped on. The next second, a pickup truck that was going, seemingly, a bit faster than 15 miles an hour, drove over the spot that was very nearly a backpack pancake. Or an Alex pancake. He turned his head back towards the person that dared to interrupt his thinking process.

"Watch out! The light is red."

A girl from his chemistry class that has, evidently, grabbed his shirt, looked at him with concern. Her hand was now retracted back, like someone yelled for her to not touch an electric fence.

"Well, thank YOU! I am soo blind that I can't tell green and red apart!"

"Unsaid"

His..? His! His footsteps were way too loud. His breath was too. Everyone could hear it… If there was but one person to witness his humiliation. And he wished he could no longer pretend he didn’t care. At least in front of her. The mask was cracking, but it wasn’t broken. Hiding, running, ignoring, ironising, it didn’t go to waste; he was a master of pretending. But as each layer thinned and the mechanism was breathing its last few breaths, he knew nothing of what was to happen. Will there be a replacement, a fix? Or will everything come crashing down, burying him underneath? Deep down, he hoped for the former. He… He? He knew there had to be something, something to set the record clear. Something to create forgiveness. Something… or someone. She was right there, she could, and she would help, right? But the mechanism, whatever the remnants there were of it, was sounding the alarm.

“NO! STOP! DON’T! YOU CAN’T! …REMEMBER!” Remember. Memories. The ghost that you can’t get rid of. The ghost that haunts you day and night. In sleep and pursuit. He stopped. What was it worth? Was this attempt to forgive unforgivable? There were two options. He thought he knew the one to pick. And whatever it may do for him, it would be better for all. 

Surely… surely.

Pomni stood in front of Jax’s door. She did adapt to the new post-Caine colour scheme, although she did wish for a more colourful palette. The door could be opened at any moment, yet it felt impregnable. Both from the inside and outside. Was it shielding against intruders, or was it a shield for them? She raised her hand, then stopped. She remembered back to that stargazing adventure… and Ragatha’s remark regarding Jax’s lack of friends. “Not anymore.” Well, what about before? Didn’t Ragatha mention someone named Ribbit? And Kaufmo… He wasn’t the best company when Pomni saw him, but Jax was seemingly friends with him. Well, both Ribbit and Kaufmo aren’t here anymore. Is Jax? Is he still there, or has he given up? Was she too late? Pomni closed her eyes, and then knocked twice on the wooden door with a desaturated purple rabbit on it.

She heard a loud knock, then breathing, like someone just gasped for air, after diving to the worst possible depths. She was on time, but how much did she have to spare? She stood there for a few seconds, but nothing happened. Then, she twisted the round handle. It seemed ice cold. She expected the door to be locked, yet the door started sliding outwards. She took one more deep breath and looked inside. Darkness. The only source of light was the hallway lamps, sheepishly sending their rays of light into, otherwise, pitch black room. Jax was sitting on the floor, with his head and back to the bedframe. Eyes closed She couldn't make much else in the room, other than a circular rug, a chair, and a desk. 

“...Nice room.” She said,

“Why are you here?” Jax asked.

He didn’t sound angry. Not even confused. Just… blank.

“I just… thought you might want to say something.”

Jax lowered his head and opened his eyes, now looking directly into her. Pomni shivered. She couldn’t be sure, but she thought she saw tears in his eyes.

“No. I didn’t.” he said, but now she could hear it in his voice.

“You seem like you need to talk.”

“Talk? TALK?” the old notes of his voice were back, but there was something off about them. Like that time after the shootout. “YOU KNOW NOTHING! Talk? About WHAT? I SAID ALL THAT I EVER WANTED! GO!..”

He..? wanted to say more, but instead choked on his own breathing, like he was holding it since she entered the room.

“You went to distract Caine,” Pomni said.

“Huh?”

“No one asked you to go, but you did. You care.”

“I DON’T!”

Silence. Silence only interrupted by the timid rays of light. Pomni glanced at the wall beside the bed, then slightly around the room. Above the bed, there were photos. She couldn’t make out the images, but it was way more for someone who didn’t care. And the room. The palette may have dimmed, but it wasn’t gone. It didn’t fit. The inside and the projection did not match. Pomni did guess that before, but the visual representation was a confirmation. And an uplifting one at that.

*sob*

She looked back at Jax. His forehead was pressed against his knees, with his hands wrapping around his legs, now pulled close to his body. He was crying.

She walked over and sat down next to him. She placed her hand on his shoulder.

"I... You don't know me. But you saw what I did." Jax could barely talk through his tears. "You heard me. Why are you still here? Why do you complicate things?"

"That's what I do."

Pomni turned towards him and locked him in a hug.

"You should have just talked to me, man." She could barely contain her tears as well

They sat like that for minutes. No words were exchanged, just crying for one, and a hug from the other. Jax was the one to break the silence.

"I... hate this. Why do you do this? I don't deserve... I..." He trailed of without finishing the sentence.

"You are not going anywhere. I am here. We are all here. Together."

Pomni turned around. Jax was behind her. He wanted something. He wanted to say something.

"... nevermind."