#bicorn

Thank goodness for red eye flights, where would the entertainment industry be without them? Need to get to New York on the double for business? Want to avoid the cameras as much as possible? Hello LAX at 4 in the morning. And now I’m back here in L.A. with the weekend ahead. Magic.

So you’re saying you can fly with magic? Because I totally wanna learn. You gotta come on my show and teach me and everyone else how to fly. It’d be like Peter Pan, but with more fondue and less pirates. 

‘Wear expensive heels to the charity event’ they said, ‘it’ll be great!’ they said. Until I had my very own Cinderella moment and the second I stepped out the door to get in the car, my heel snapped. Surely Cinderella didn’t have it this hard, where’s my glass slippers and my Prince Charmings when a girl needs them. Also, I vote that flats and sneakers be allowed as proper black tie footwear. Surely the night will still be great, everything’s fine! Unmatching shoes or not.

I could be your Prince Charming, but I don’t have any glass slippers or any spare normal shoes. Plus I’m not a Prince. You could have my shoes, but I need them-- so actually, you can’t have mine at all. Sorry. Maybe you’ll make odd shoes a thing? Like odd socks. I have normal shoes on but like, I’ll totally wear two different shoes tomorrow and talk about how awesome they look on YouTube.

FUNDRAISER F2F → OPEN

The fighter was irritated. Had been from the get-go. The severity of the recent events brought on by the ‘breaking news’ left him lacking the desire to appear, yet he was informed that it would be in his best interest to do so. He needed to keep up appearances if he intended to fix his image. Fantastic. Now the majority of the evening was spent mingling and putting on a brave face as he tried to grin and bare his way through the constant conversations in relation to what had recently transpired with his career. Or soon to be lack thereof, in their opinions. While he tried his best to appear unfazed at the constant reminder, it was beginning to wear on him. He excused himself from yet another conversation, this time from a DIRTnow staff member attempting to wrangle a quote from him about the paparazzo and his pending charges, to saunter over  to one of the many wait staff carrying a tray of champagne filled glasses. He reached for one, only to pause and say fuck it, before grabbing two. Just as he had gone to take a drink from one of the glasses he heard the shuffling of footsteps approach. Instinctively and far too abrasively, he commented, “Look, if you have something to say about my presence and recent headlines, do us both a favor and keep it to yourself.” 

Brittany was thrilled to see Hunter at the fundraiser, even if he’d been kinda mean to her before. But if she wanted to be a good cat-mom, she had to forgive her cat’s boyfriend’s cat-dad for being so confusing; he was family now. She all but bounced over to him, grinning from ear to ear as though their last conversation had completely left her memory. She had a very important item to deliver to a very important friend. “Oh, I’m not here to ask you about the guy you beat up!” She usually didn’t pay attention to the news unless it was about her, but there had been so much about that particular incident that it was hard to miss. Not that it bothered her much. She didn’t like violence, but hunter was her in-law now. “I’ve got a gift for you! Well, not for you, for Mr. Puss. Lord Tubbington made it by paw for him and wanted me to deliver it at the first opportunity.” She hadn’t been sure that Hunter would be here, but she’d carried it around with her everywhere she went since Lord Tubbington made it, just in case. After rummaging around in her bag, she pulled out a cute cat collar then held it out for Hunter to see. “Lord Tubbington says the rainbow colours are to celebrate his love for Mr. Puss.”

Okay, so I know a lot of people have been asking about the songs on my new album and I wish I could just give all of them to you right now, but I can’t, it’s simply impossible as we’re still working on it. But, as a thank you for continued support, I can give you one here to give you a small taste of it. I truly truly hope you enjoy hearing it as much as I enjoyed writing and recording it. It’s a song that means the world to me.

Have I been doing stuff to support you? I don’t remember tweeting about you or anything, but I can totally promo you to make up for it. I'm sure your song tastes great, but I don’t have anaesthesia so I can’t taste anything except the onion I ate earlier. I thought it was an apple, so I bit into it and then I just like, forgot how to stop eating. The song sounds good, though, even if it kinda makes me sad. Is it about ghosts?

I am not making any sense? When you’re the one that, I am now under the assumption, actually believes that cats can… what? Telepathically communicate with humans? You who seems to believe that, magically, cats can smoke without assistance in simply holding the cigarette. Nice? We are not going to go into just how ‘nice’ I am to my own cat! He lives like a king, as he deserves and I, unlike another here, don’t condone smoking around felines. And this is the point in which I question my own sanity for indulging in this conversation and your delusions.  

Big bones don’t cause round cats. There is a distinct difference here, Brittany. Animals are driven by instinct, a primal drive to reproduce not… a desire. He adores me and he’s not in a romantic relationship of any kind! 

I had to ask someone what telepathically means and that’d be awesome, but no, I don’t think cats can do that? Can you do that? They’re not magical, even if they should be. Their sounds can be translated if you’re nice to them. And they can smoke, just not magically. They don’t need magic to do those things, just a kind cat-dad or cat-mom. 

Ok boomer. 

You took my excitement like a sheet of paper and crumpled it.

I have no idea what Blaine has been talking about but I can confirm I am not a lizard man, far from it. I don’t really know why he’s been talking about lizards. The animal for Slytherin is a snake, yes. Who is covering? Wait, what?

That’s one thing we can agree on.

Wait, we could totally watch them together? That’d cheer you up, right? We can watch all the movies on Fondue for Two as a 20 hour special. No breaks, no sleep, just lots of jellybeans for snacks and I guess fudge flies since you like those so much.

I mean she’s not against unicorns and bicorns, BrittBritt. Not sure how she feels about homeless people. Yeah, totally. I met him at his pop up the other night, he’s super nice, but from what I’ve heard he’s totally gay. He’s a unicorn, like me. 

Uh… I don’t know, I’ve never thought about it. 

Well, yeah, hating unicorns because they’re unicorns would be silly. Same for bicorns. It’d be silly to hate homeless people too, though, I guess, so maybe Hope’s just silly. I’ll totally ask her. Yeah, Freddie’s cool. We’re gonna learn how to juggle together. Maybe I should give him some rainbow juggling balls to celebrate. 

Now you have, and now you know the truth. Unicorns poop cotton candy.

I’d feed them and shit, I just don’t think I’d be talking to them like they’re a person. But it sounds like it’s a good thing that I’m not an alien cat dad.

Well, why not? They’re not gonna like you at all if you don’t treat them like everyone else. It’s actually super rude and disrespectful. Yeah, it’s a very good thing. You should never be allowed to look after an animal of any kind.

To save the word – and, selfishly, myself – from this insanity. Being the under the watchful eye of specialist may do you some good one day. Cozy? It’s not intended to be ‘cozy’. Cats don’t smoke, they don’t speak. – Are you trolling me? Is that what this is right now because I don’t appreciate being this type of… humor.

The tub of lard is your cat, Brittany. The one that looks like it’s one bite of food away from keeling over from a heart attack. Such a shame, really. It had the potential to be a lovely feline. Males don’t mate, let alone date! Mr. Puss – CATS DON’T SPEAK. THEY DON’T DATE. This is ridiculous!

Well if it’s not meant to be cozy, why would they make it so soft and cozy? You’re not making any sense, Hunt. No, I’m not a troll, silly. I’m Brittany. And cats do smoke. And they might not speak English but if you’re patient and kind they’ll eventually let you speak to and understand them. You’ve just gotta be nice.

That’s just rude. And mean. He’s big boned, you shouldn’t bully him for that. You’re still not making any sense. I’ve dated girls, and that’s always been awesome, so why shouldn’t boy cats be able to date boy cats? Mr. Puss isn’t going to like you for much longer if you don’t try to accept his relationship soon. 

I checked out of this conversation a while back now. Have a great time in cartoon land.

Wait, does this mean you found a portal? 

Please let me know if he answers you, I have to know.

Of course, Jakey! I’ll tell you everything he says. I’ll even tell him you were nice enough to share the info with me!

Okay, a fellow Potterfan. I am 100% down for this conversation.

I prefer the fudge flies myself, one of the perks of living in LA is having the Wizarding World. I don’t think it shocks many people when they find out I’m a Slytherin. Though I do have Hufflepuff qualities too. I’d put you down for a Ravenclaw, I mean this as a compliment but you remind me of Luna. You have a very unique way of thinking that most people can’t achieve in their entire life.

What are your thoughts on quidditch? I’ve often considered this. I’d definitely be Captain and I’d try out for Beater. Would you find the Forbidden Forrest threatening? I think I’d be spooked by the wolves but- wait, I remembered that’s where the giant spider lived. Nope, fuck that. I’ll stay in the dungeons.

It’s so good to actually talk to someone about this stuff.

I just like the jellybeans.

So, wait, are you like, a snake? Or one of those lizard people Blaine talks about in his videos? Oh my god, is Blaine one of those lizard people, too? That would make so much sense. He’s just trying to cover for you guys, right? 

I don’t know what that is. But if a forest is forbidden it’s probably for a reason, right? If there are wolves and giant spiders in there, I don’t want to go near it. There could be other monsters, and even if there's not, giant spiders are super scary. 

Awe, you’re super cute too, BritBrit. No, Hope isn’t one of the bullies. She may be mean but homophobic she is not. Her brother is like… super gay, I think.

Do unicorns poop cotton candy? Because I love cotton candy.

I know I am. Hope is a bully, but I’m glad she’s not scared of homeless people, at least. My mom used to tell me they didn’t have homes because the gnomes invaded them, so like, it’s not even their fault. Freddie’s gay?

Of course they do. Duh. What else would they poop?

You should totally congratulate him on his plastic surgery, I’m sure he’d love it.

You’re totally right! I’m gonna go do that right now. 

SAM: brittany s pierce, im gutted you're having stacey on for fondue for two without me. you really gotta do something about your unicycle requirement or lower your cat's expectations.

SAM: secondly, don't pay too much mind hope. she's just got a dark heart but she's nice sometimes.

BRITT: she's gonna try unicycling with me. i didn't mean to make you sad :(

BRITT: maybe lord tubbington will make an exception since you're so awesome? but you've gotta bring lots of treats so he keeps thinking you're awesome. otherwise he's gonna know you cheated the system.