Every time I return to KCD1, I am just so tickled that KCD1 Hans is genuinely such a fucking delight. I miss you piss-yellow king. Baron Weird Things Sayer of the fiefdom of Resting Bitch Face. You jubilant rectangular testicle with a shit-eating grin. My sun, my stars, my bad summer decision. My poorly socialized sugar daddy. My cock of the walk. I hear your hideous shitbird call of FUUUUUUCK OFFFFFFF and I come running every time. Hope you recover from your Assigned Girl By Fandom period. Get well soon annoying prince.
I miss the UNIQUENESS of the way he loves Henry and talks in general. I miss Hans Capon the weirdo. Bring back the Hans who would highkey threaten you to express his love and affection! The character who would say shit that kind of alarmed and unnerved you until you got to know him! The character that you had to actually spend time with before you learned how to tell when he was being serious or not!
"You're a true friend and hero" boring. flat. no pizazz. no style. no personality.
Where's my barehanded ball-crusher Hans. Don't give me that "work those muscles" crap and tell me it's sooooo Hans. The OG Hans would say some bizarre unsayable shit like "Henry! I'm so happy right now that if you were a putrid little dough boy I would with my OWN TWO HANDS pound you into a ball and roll you in the dirt and eat you!!!!"
Hello? "My guardian angel?" Pisssss! No guts!!!!! Bring back the Hans Capon who would do Muppet Joker numbers on tumblr. "My loooord the cobbler's niece emptied his pisspot in my backyard!"
Hans Capon! What is he talking about!!!!!
