Using drugs and drug use is a very complicated type of thing/circumstance in my family or in my experience
Drugs are a burden, a curse, a panacea, a cure, a lover, a friend, an advisor, a guarantor. A second self, a pick up, a downer, a mood killer, a life ruiner, an isolator. A lot of versatile things to someone that is lonely. A type of thing that signalled independence before being burdened by people that depended on you. Although that sounds harsh, the unburdened life is romantic to me.
But it also ruins families, embarrasses mothers, makes fathers silent. Makes your brother relapse. Makes your friends ignore you. Makes people take you less seriously. It mocks you, in a way. It cuts off your fingers. It makes really important things less important. It sullies your ability to perform. It prevents you from suffering as much, sure, but in the process it prevents you from anything at all. It handicaps your ability to proceed. With life, with learning, growing or refining. It's not like it's impossible while you're using, but using certainly requires a lot of mental and physical effort that could otherwise be used elsewhere.
But it's me. It's my desire. It's my desire to control my day to day life. I need to be happy after work. I need something to look forward to. I need a guarantee that I can take life as it comes with a little smile on my face. I need to have something to turn to in my lowest that will not judge or comprehend or really remember who I am or what I'm trying to escape. I just need something to hold my hand when I run away. It sounds maybe pathetic, or really pathetic. But I feel somewhat lucid and clear in this feeling.
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