DIGSIX,

“I just … ran,” Jöelle says, her voice hollowed out as the sensation of bare feet sinking into cracked dirt, rock, and roots resurfaced. Her toes curled, twitching in the shoes she wore now. The felt the weight of her child slung across her back, tied tight in a homemade sling as she scaled the walls. The dirt road winded ahead of her, and it seemed to stretch on forever until it didn’t. Until that dreaded town came into view, as unsettling as it was dark. It might as well have been filled with ghosts. 

Curtains were drawn, not a single building stirring with any signs of life — except for one. Lights flickered, a neon sign she couldn’t yet read. Salvation in the form of a bar. Jöelle remembers bursting through that door, pleads spilling out of her mouth like a running faucet. 

“I ran until I hit the town, and I cried to this old man — Eddie. Told him everything. Him and his wife kept me and my daughter safe until those men showed up and took everyone away.”

Her siblings, her parents, everything she’d ever known, had cracked and splintered in that moment. Children were taken ... hauled off to hospitals and police stations in towns they’d never heard of, only to be filed away neatly into the system and put up for adoption. With how tainted the Ballard name was now, she wondered if any self-respecting set of prospective guardians would want to touch any of them with a ten foot pole. Her heart ached for every single one of them, but at least their parents were in prison. 

The children who, like her, were just barely above the age of eighteen had been thrown to the wolves of the real world and left to figure it out themselves. She had nothing. Not really, anyway. Nothing but her daughter, which was enough.

“ had to live with my aunt and uncle for the summer. s’posed the build character. ”

between blond lashes and furrowed eyebrows, peter watches jöelle’s daughter  —  same nose, same eyes. he’s seventeen now. he does the math, and very much realizes, that the thought of having a kid so young is horrifying. he never thought about it. never had to worry about it, really. he shifts his weight to one chain, and looks off. tall grass, mosquitos, the pulpit just looming above … a church playground, covered in field moths and grasshoppers. hot, hot sun. it's his second summer in tierney, and it’s hotter than the last. he hums again.

a selection of headcanon questions inspired by key bones in the human body.

skull.   what memories/thoughts do they guard the most from others ?

cheekbone. what makes them smile ?

mandible / jawbone. what are they incapable of saying out loud ?

teeth. what lasting mark do they leave on others ?

hyoid / neck. who taught them to speak up, or stay silent ?

clavicle / collarbone. who/what do they lean on when they're vulnerable ?

scapula / shoulderblade. what burden do they carry on their back ?

sternum. what makes their heart pound hardest ?

ribcage. who/what are they trying to protect ?

humerus. do they use humour as a shield or a weapon ? what from/to ?

radius. who/what do they reach for first in a crisis ?

ulna. who stands by them no matter what ?

carpals. what small habits do they have ?

metacarpals. do they ask for help or clench their fists and bear it ?

phalanges. what is their relationship with touch ?

spine. when do they lose their backbone, what scares them ?

pelvis. what future or legacy are they afraid/excited to be responsible for ?

sacrum. what sacrifices have they made ?

coccyx / tailbone. what outdated beliefs do they still carry, if any ?

femur. what drives them forward ?

patella / kneecap. how compliant/obedient are they, who will they kneel for ?

tibia. who/what keeps them moving forward ?

fibula. do they ever feel overlooked ?

tarsals. what past mistakes stick with them with every step they take ?

to be known the way you should is to put yourself through hell.

i warned you, for me, it's not that hard.

don't ask me why i hate myself.

i've heard it before from someone who leaves.

i'll hurt myself if i want.

i can wait if i want but it'll never be good enough like i want to believe it is.

all of alabama laid out in front of your eyes but all you could see was me.

she's got her makeup done and her high heels on.

you'll keep changing, i will stay the same.

if you're not scared of jesus, fuck around and come find out.

time passes slower in the flicker of a hospital light.

she's a bad motherfucker.

i'm half of you.

lay me down where the trees bend low.

time may forgive me, but i won't.

i will wait.

love is not enough in this world.

you were kind.

this was all for you.

do you swing from your neck with the hope someone cares?

i want to bleed, i want to hurt the way that boys do.

her daddy keeps her in a box but it's no good.

will it be like this forever?

she's just trying to feel good right now.

do you hate me?

now i'll wear these scars for life.

my baby acts cool, but they all know something ain't right.

i don't care.

you know i'd do anything for you.

please leave open your most quiet door.

i bled till i cried, till i felt i might die.

i still shake just by nature.

what you do with all that mouth?

i'm still scared of that knock on the door.

the air in your room never moves.

she really gets around town in her old cadillac.

maybe you're right and we should stop watching the news.

think of all the time that i'll have with you.

it wasn't pretty like the movies, it was ugly like what they all did to me.

i keep the pictures hanging where the world can see 'em.

i can lead you to bed, but i can't make you sleep.

they say she looks just like her mama before the drugs.

you come around here just to watch me writhe.

i wanna die in this room.

when you said that you're in love, i never wondered if you're sure.

still, i waited and tried.

you're not scared of no knock on the door.

i still dream of violence.

i loved you when it hurt inside to.

i liked him 'cause his rule was "do whatever you like," and i tried alright.

i'll never live it down if i never get around it.

easy to hate, easy to blame.

i still play pretend like i don't watch you leaving.

the doctors gave you until the end of the night.

we were in a race to grow up.

i've never seen brown eyes look so blue.

she's no good at raising children, but she's good at raising hell.

can you hear them?

shoot me down, come on, hurt me.

that picture on the wall you're scared of looks just like you.

i pray the race is worth

the fight.

please don't leave me, i'll always need more.

death, it takes too long.

everything i've loved i've loved it straight to death.

i will always love you.

i've been picking names for our children.

i can't hold you anymore.

made a fool of myself down on tennessee street.

she's gonna get what she wants.

i'd rather die than be anything but your girl.

you tried to wade in 'cause you wanted just to tell me who you were.

am i what you think about all late at night?

yeah, you've changed, but did i ever know you?

to love me is to suffer me.

i can hear them singing.

i can see the end in the beginning of everything and in it, you don't want me.

they did to me what i wouldn't do to anyone.

i know you by your footsteps on the floor.

i don't know what i need.

i am young and naïve.

you were there looking for me, but i was gone.

i'm wide open and deserving.

i hope i die today.

i know she's your girl now, but she was my girl first.

i know, she really taught me well.

i swore i'd be good to you.

i won't wake up on my own.

think of us inside after the wedding.

put me down where the greenery stings.

you'll go fight a war, i'll go missing.

if you could, you'd leave it all.

i wanna go home.

she was my sister first.

they all wanna take her out, but no one ever wants to take her home.

all the boys wanna love her when she bats her fuck-me eyes.

i'll never blame her.

i'll never be kind enough to me.

goddammit, i did it to myself in hindsight.

please, just go easy on me.

i'd reach into your body and fix you if i could.

how much of a cruel year can you call my fault?

she goes to church straight from the clubs.

are you angry?

smoking that shit your daddy smoked in vietnam.

the boys can't get enough of her.

i'll never be that kind of angel.

when this is over, maybe then, we'll get some sleep.

i knew it was love when i rode home crying thinking of you fucking other girls.

you know it's true 'cause i've said it to you.

grew up hard, fell off harder.

hold me.

i never meant to hurt you.

it's not looking good, but did it ever?

i kinda hate her.

no one you know is a good person.

it is no good bearing false witness.

nature chews on me.

maybe it's not meant to be explained.

it has always been this way.

i am punished by love.

shame is sharp.

it's happening to everybody.

i am sure that hell must be cold.

only god would believe that i was an angel.

maybe it was all a lie.

send down your cordage of suffocation and let me in.

what you do is nothing to me.

i like that sound you make.

i'll be alright.

i won't move.

they made me leave.

i was an angel, though plummeting.

heaven has forsaken the masturbator.

i love you.

he was a natural plauché.

maybe it's true.

i can't feel anything.

it is such a precious thing to be loved.

take me, i ain't gonna scream.

i'll claw my way back to the great dark and we will not speak of this place again.

until then, i guess i'll just lie here and wait.

do you think you know how to give up?

fast, reckless driving often leads to slow, sad music.

when you were young, you said you wished that someone loved you.

i am what i am and i am nothing.

i can tell you right now, it's beautiful.

do you like that, baby?

if you want, you can bite me.

i still kick rocks when the walking is good.

you were nothing to me.

whatever's wrong with me i will take to bed.

it feels good.

i take the long way home.

this agony, such is the consequence of audience.

you won't lose me to thunder or lightning, but you could to crowded rooms.

i give in so easy.

i am what i am but we are not the same.

it took something from me, something i can't quite explain.

do you think you understand what it means to be loved?

you're so smooth.

such a wondrous and painful thing to be loved.

it's not meant to be marked down in words or scrawled out on a piece of paper.

here i am empty.is it not fun to feel many other ways?

you won't forget this.

let me tell you how much i've come to hate you since i began to live.

are these laurels to be proud of?

in the morning i will mar myself again.

it is no good speaking of fairness.

only god knows.

nature chews on me.

i've tried so hard to explain in words what it meant to me.

i want to know what god knows, and i will be with him.

i want to know what it feels like.

i will dislocate my jaw to fit it all in.

i want to know love.

i always wondered if it would come back.

the devil i know is the devil i want.