I guess what’s the topic of my tears tonight aside from like future financials and career trajectory and general unease about direction is I don’t think any of that would be as scary if I felt truly loved and surrounded on this earth I want soul ties and closeness and safety and affection and I don’t know where to find it or when it will come and I don’t want my only connections to be with men who desire me or want to own me I want something pure and expansive something I can lean on for real and for a long time. I know I’m young but I feel so old like nothing else can ever happen. It’s just a feeling though I know that in moments of intellectual clarity but I want to know that in my heart too especially on nights like this