Life is simple in the moonlight

All this time wearing sweatpants or gym shorts to work and now my jeans don’t fit? Min would say it’s homophobic. 

So does that mean you’re going to buy me three weeks worth of pizza when it’s time for me to take my test? [pouts at him] I could go back to roasting you if you’d prefer that.  

yeah, and you can watch me eat it while you study. [He smirks, reaching forward with his fingers in a pincer grasp to pretend to pinch Jake’s pout.] You just can’t catch me out of nowhere with something nice like that. I’ll think you’ve been possessed or you’re dying or something. 

I can’t believe you’re gonna make me look at an encyclopedia. How dare you. [pouts] Come on, man. You’re smarter than you think you are, and the test and test prep really aren’t as expensive as I thought it would be. Well, not so expensive now that we have jobs and shit. [shrugs] Beats me. Probably not ‘til we’re dead.  

I could spend like 150$ on the test, or I could get pizza for like three weeks. Is that a compliment, Jake? I don’t think I’ve ever heard you call me smart before. Making me feel special n shit.  

[shakes his head] Pothetical? Dude, English wasn’t my best subject– in fact, I never really had a good subject in school besides from band– but I don’t think that’s a real word. Somehow you ended up making a good enough estimate. Good job. Maybe you should be taking the GED test with me after all. [gently punches his shoulder] I can, but I’m pretty sure my septum’s permanently fucked up. Allergy season’s been a bitch because of it. 

[Diego pinches his lips together as he frowns, looking deep in thought.] Nah... Nah man I swear to god next time you’re at the library why don’t you pull out one of those encyclopedias and look for it. It’s like a latin root word I promise. Yeah... I’m not at a point in my life where I wanna spend GED test money on hoping my estimates are right. [Diego reels back from the punch, cluching his arm.] God, that fucking allergy season when will she end?

… Hold on. I’m actually gonna solve this. I know this is definitely not the point you’re making, but I need to practice my math. Okay. So Jake makes $10 an hour… times 40 hours per week… times 52 weeks per year… [grabs a piece of paper and writes out the multiplication] … which comes out to $20,800 per year. Then Diego makes $30 per hour, times 40 hours per week, times 52 weeks, which is… $62,400 per year. Then 62,400 minus 20,800 is… $41,600. So hypothetical sexy Diego would make $41,600 more per year than hypothetical not-sexy Jake… [ignores pretty much everything else that’s being said, too distracted by the math, but cringes when he mentions breaking his nose] Between you that one time when I tickled you too hard, prison fights, and fights with the dumbasses we used to squat with, my nose has been broken more than enough times, thank you. 

Alright I’ll wait... [Diego leans back against the store wall and watches while Jake scribbles furiously, humming every so often as he’s trying to do the own math in his head.] Damn, bro. That’s some pretty good math. Not hypothetical sexy Diego though, I’m very pothetical. I just pulled those numbers out of my ass though so I’m so glad it actually came up to sixty thousand. [He looks up from the paper once more as Jake cringes, smirking at the sight.] You should just be glad you can still breathe, dude. Now you know you’re better off staying away from my feet and armpits though. 

…Scenting, while performed by every rank but beta, is more so an omega behaviour, stinky. I think you just presented. [He smiles, victorious.] Someone has to remind you what you are now and again. The main goal here is to shame you into finally using the laundry basket instead of leaving your stinky Doritos socks everywhere. Cheesy feet motherfucker. [Though he anticipates the gesture, Jaemin still lets his guard down, reveling in the way Diego’s hand feels against his neck. A gasp slips past his lips when his hair is grabbed and twisted. Passerbys completely forgotten, lost in his own little Diego bubble, he pants with his mouth dropped, and yet, a smile still tugs at the corners of his lips as he meets Diego’s gaze. His words are filthy, and usually would have Min running away, but he’s zeroed in on his boyfriend, hairs raising on his arms and everything else blocked out. His eyelids flutter when his hair is yanked again, but this time he can’t hold back a quiet moan at the sensation, his face drawn closer to the other’s.] I- I… think, that… [He swallows thickly.] You’re… a doodoo shart. [He brings a hand up to the one in his hair, and peels Diego away. He knows it’s weak, he also knows he asked for it, but he has half a mind to be embarrassed about now sporting a semi in the middle of the street and have his knees damn near buckle on the sidewalk. It serves its purpose as a distraction, a reprieve, but it’s soon followed by a butt smack, which earns Diego a yelp from his boyfriend. Lucky for him, it seems to be glossed over rather quickly as Diego goes on another rant about them being the same person. It brings a fond grin to Min’s lips, makes him giggle lightly.] Sir, what are the criterias for said application? I’m not trying to be denied every 3 months, I’d just like my freedom and identity. One could argue you’re unfit to receive my application seeing your bias. I’m bringing this to the board for review. [He quirks up an eyebrow.] To remind me we’re one person, right… Definitely not an excuse to see me naked, I presume?

I didn’t present. I don’t even have a powerpoint made? Give me like a week’s notice and I can present though, I just have to do some research on why I’m an alpha. Will you proofread before I have my presentation? You’re not gonna take me seriously if I’m talking about why I’m an alpha and my words are all badly written. [Diego scoffs and shakes his head] No way no way. You love these cornchip feet. If I take my sneakers off after a run and they don’t smell you complain I didn’t work out hard enough. If I’m not so stinky I have to shower before bed you tell me I had a lazy day. [Jaemin’s reaction is everything Diego wanted. He watches very attentively, putting his other hand on Jaemin’s waist to help support his weight as he practically feels Jaemin’s legs turning to jello. Diego knows his boyfriend well enough to know he’s playing for more with every teasing word he says. He clenches his fist tighter, pulling Jaemin’s hair once more before he lets go to run his fingertips down the other’s neck and spine before making its way back to stroke his hair gently.] You’re gonna say those mean words about me? [He frowns, shaking his head as he clicks his tongue against his teeth. Diego’s newly freed hand snakes down to grab his boyfriend’s package, holding eye contact with his disapproving gaze as he does so.] Isn’t it embarrassing to get so turned on by a few words from a doodoo shart? In public, too... [releasing his grip, Diego’s hand travels upwards up to rest on Jaemin’s waist as he leans in to whisper against the cusp of his ear]  It’s sort of... pathetic. [Diego raises his eyebrows once more, looking as offended as he can manage while still trying to push down his laughter, breaking slightly when he hears Jaemin’s giggling.] The criteria is..- The criteria to have your application approved is that you suddenly turn heterosexual and change your name and move to Russia to be with your new bride. That’s the only way I’ll ever let you go. Also, I’m the CEO and the director of the board and also the chairman so... I don’t think your review will go over well, and it might result in you receiving even more mandatory re-education. Like a five day retreat in some secluded airbnb condo over the water where you aren’t allowed to bring any clothes. Like a nudist colony but it’s just us. I think naked yoga has less to do with like... me seeing your ass in HD, and more with like, freeing the barriers of your mind by getting rid of those physical boundaries. 

[Min shakes his head, doubling down on his previous comment, but the smile on his lips says otherwise.] That’s exactly what I’m tellin’ you, and since you don’t fit the bill, mmm… I’m afraid I don’t see this- [He points between them both, hissing out a breath through his teeth] Sheesh… I don’t see this lasting any longer than it already has. [He gasps as he listens to Diego.] You said getaway! Inflatable hot tub isn’t exactly what I had envisioned.

[With every moment that passes, though he feels dread hanging heavier in the air, Min also finds himself feeling a bit more serene. Diego’s voice doesn’t catch him off guard this time, but he doesn’t look at him still when he answers.] Yeah, of course… [Apprehensive, he decides to slowly put his right arm down onto the console between them, palm facing the sky, silently beckoning to be held as his fingers split apart.] I never back down from Hot Fuzz…

[Diego whines dramatically, letting his body fall limp as he leans onto Jaemin and reaching up to stroke his thumb over his boyfriend’s affectionate smile.] You don’t think? but I’m already emotionally committed to being with you forever though. If I don’t get to be your little stinky butthole I guess I’ll have to be single forever. [He whines once more loudly into Jaemin’s ear before covering the side of his head in kisses as he stands back up properly.] We’ll have our getaway this weekend, but when we come back we can get a hot tub for our room... hot tub kissies whenever we want. Where do you want to go? Winterville? I can give you a tour of where I went to school n shit. It’s not so sad to be there anymore since I know my parents are alive and thriving and shit... 

[He blinks when his nose is kissed, then keeps his gaze trained on his boyfriend, arms loosely wrapped around his neck. He crunches his face up yet again, in thought.] Mm… no to having a stinky, doodoo shart boyfriend, but I’m interested in hot tub kissies.

[Min remains silent as he starts up the car, finds himself slightly soothed by the familiar buzzing of the motor. He wraps his hands tightly around the wheel as he drives off, glad the road is a distraction for now.] Uh, yeah, sure, if you want some. [He fishes a hand in his pocket and hands Diego his phone, eyes still on the road.] We’re about 20 minutes away from him, so Uber some now and we’ll pick it up on the way. 

No stinky doodoo shart boyfriend? [He raises his eyebrows in surprise, looking at Jaemin very seriously and sighing with a shake of his head.] That just doesn’t sound like you, my love... I have to admit I’m a bit worried. Are you telling me you want a boyfriend who smells good and isn’t a silly goose? I’m just trying to get this right... [His hands roam up Jaemin’s waist as he puts as much effort into his facial expression as possible, keeping it very serious like if he’s trying very hard to understand. He gives Jaemin’s scrunched up nose another smooch.] Hot tub kisses this weekend then... Should we get an inflatable hot tub for our room?

Of course I’m the alpha. Alpha male, alpha wolf: all of it. There’s more to the Omegaverse than sex positions, stinky. Besides, you couldn’t dom someone to save your life: you’re a pup. [He can’t help the smirk that tugs at his lips, knowing that statement to be absolutely false but anticipating the heated reaction Diego would offer as rebuttal.] Maybe if someone decided not to be an animal and use lube, our sheets could be spared. Having more than two pairs wouldn’t hurt, either, babe. [Jaemin’s smile vanishes in an instant, falling for it initially, but as Diego continues his tirade, he bursts into laughs, though contains it painfully quickly.] I said. ‘You gonna beat something other than my ass up? It’s- It’s not a threat, it’s a fact.

I still don’t buy it. I’m the one putting my scent on everything. Otherwise you wouldn’t be sniffing the socks I leave on the couch just so you can tell me I’m a stinky doodoo shart. [Diego’s mouth opens slightly at the mention of him being a pup, knowing on one hand he is, but on the other hand that Jaemin clearly wants a reaction out of him. With a soft chuckle, Diego reaches up to run his fingers through Jaemin’s hair lovingly, waiting until he reaches the hair at the base of his scalp where it meets his neck, Jaemin’s most sensitive spot, to give it a harsh twist, leaving his fist gripping a handful of hair while he gently scolds his boyfriend.]  You’re blaming me? You’re the one always begging me to spit on your hole. You’re usualy drooling just waiting for me to stick my hand out for more spit... something doesn’t add up.. [He yanks Jaemin’s hair again, pulling his head to look at him properly.] What do you think, baby? You’ve always been better at math than me. [Diego’s taunting faux hurt morphs into a a smile that he quickly tries to hide once more as he winds up to give Jaemin’s bum a firm smack.] You said so? The fact that you want to be two different people is a new development... honestly, you’ve changed Jaemin. I regret to inform you that your request to be a separate entity from me has been denied. You’re welcome to reapply in three months, but it will be denied again, and as punishment you’ll be handcuffed to me until you’ve been reeducated. I think when we get home we need to do some naked yoga or something as like.... spiritual meditational mind training to remind you that we are indeed one person. 

[Min gives Diego’s chest a weak smack then opens his arms in an accusatory shrug, as if saying ‘what the fuck am I, then?’, his glare piercing two holes in Diego’s skull. He hums quietly when he’s squeezed, pressing himself against Diego in an attempt to gain his favour once more. He even goes as far as hooking his chin on his shoulder, head turned to nuzzle the side of his head.] Well… I’m all ears now.

[Even if Diego was usually the one behind the wheel, Min had taken up the habit of holding on to the keys, which he’s thankful for in that moment since it offers his mind a reprieve. He fiddles with them, mind miles away, finding a simple pleasure in the way they tinkle in his hands. When Diego speaks up again, he realizes they’d taken his car today, which meant no distance unlocking and therefore, no easy escape.] I’m fine, Diego. [He walks to the driver’s side first and, surprisingly, slides in after unlocking it. He reaches across the console to unlock the passenger side for Diego.]

[Diego overlooks Jaemin’s glare long enough that the other starts nuzzling into him once more, trying to make up for any teasing about men bigger and stronger than Diego. He looks over and presses a soft kiss to Jaemin’s nose.] Jaemie, my handsome and cute boyfriend, will you be my boyfriend? and go on a romantic boyfriends only getaway with me this weekend? We can go for a hike, and then find a spa and kiss in the hot tub? 

[Jaemin’s laughter only doubles as Diego joins him, satisfied to have broken him.] Diegooo, how many times am I gonna have to explain ABO dynamics to you before you understand? I’m… fluctuating. You’re obviously the omega on all levels except anal. [He bursts into laughs at Diego’s question.] Literally nothing. They’re assigned bottoms at birth and their asses leak when they want cock. Living the life. [He raises an eyebrow at him.] Do you really wanna be threatening me when any amount of Nair anywhere near you penalizes you more than me? [He scoffs when Sandoval keeps his hand up, but gets the message, pecking it repeatedly, quietly, humming and mumbling little ‘Hugh Jackman’s against it, though barely holding in his laughter.] Then I regret to inform you we’re two separate entities, so your plan is foiled.

And you’re the alpha then? I don’t think I like this dynamic. I’m the dom though? [he grins at Jaemin’s laughter and leans in close to his the side of his head.] That sounds like a body mod you’d get. I could go for an auto-lubing boyfriend. The smell of dried spit on our sheets is pretty rank. [Diego ignores the rest of Jaemin’s arguments, waving his hand as if to dismiss him, but knowing that stubborn boy is always going to win when it comes to cold shoulders at home. His smirk comes back with the repetitive hand kisses, and he chooses to ignore Min’s further teasing, only pressing his hand further against his lips, but Jaemin’s next words have Diego yanking his hand out of the other’s and looking at him with pure shock and angst.] That is the most upsetting thing I’ve heard today. Who? Who said we’re two separate entities? Who said? I’ll find them and beat them up. I have been working very hard to make us into one single person and I don’t want to hear that threat ever again. 

Grooming him, don’t get it twisted. Pup likes getting stabbed by millions of tiny razor sharps feathers as he sleeps, apparently. [Diego’s behaviour sees Jaemin’s grin growing wider and wider, indulging the older as his grooming turns into actual petting.] As your owner, yes, obviously. [He scrunches his nose.] I don’t know, it’s kind of too late now. Plus it gives me an excuse to slide in Jason Momoa’s dms. “Oh, we’re dating? You never asked me to be your boyfriend, how was I supposed to know I couldn’t give Khal Drogo that Super Soaker 3000?!” [He chuckles at his own joke, but rolls his eyes fondly as he listens to Diego.] You can’t test drive a car for a year then buy it. ‘Guess you missed your chance. [He kisses the air in Diego’s direction, playful.]

[Min lets himself be guided to the exit, making sure to keep his head down in case anyone would recognize them on the way out. He shakes his head lightly as he listens to his boyfriend, his disapproval of the plan made clear before Diego’s even done speaking.] Can’t we just leave… I don’t wanna be here anymore, we can just, uh… we can Cornershop this shit.

I do, they scratch the hard to reach places. [Diego grins further as his silent request is fulfilled by Jaemin, and practically purrs into his neck from the petting. His free arm snakes around Jaemin’s waist and gives him a gentle squeeze at the mention of Khal Drogo.] Hey... I didn’t use the word boyfriend but I asked you to be exclusive... that, like, specifically means no giving other people head. Plus I had been wanting to be your boyfriend... you’re the one who covered your eyes and went lalalalala so you didn’t have to acknowledge me being romantic n shit. 

[Though he tries to keep a neutral expression, Min can’t help but chuckle at Diego’s ‘outburst’, amused by his whining.] I was in heat, you can’t take my words at face value then! [He laughs at his own stupid joke, but interrupts himself with a gasp at Diego’s ‘threat’.] It’s almost like you’re trying to get me to never touch it again. The girls aren’t hairless by choice, leave them out of this. [As Diego whines some more, Jaemin’s smile never leaves his lips, even as he brings up Diego’s hand to give the back of it a chaste kiss.] Mmm… Hugh Jackman… don’t tempt me.

In heat?? [his face distorts with confusion and laughter all at the same time, finding it so easy to forget how he had gotten himself worked up with Jaemin’s silliness.] Baby, no matter how many times you explain this omegaverse thing to me I’m not gonna get it. I’m omega or you’re omega? What does an omega do? Other than being horny? [Diego’s bottom lip juts out, as he puts his serious face back on, remembering his promise.] If you want the hair to stay, you’d better say something nice about my ass right now. [The kiss to his hand does make Diego waver, but only for a moment as he continues with his whiny façade. He keeps his hand up in front of Jaemin’s lips, silently telling him more kisses might solve their little argument.] As if... I’m gonna stalk Hugh Jackman just so he gets a restraining order against us.