diary of a sad kid

i was just thinking about how much of dumb bitch i was when i started high school, and i was thinking, i was 14 then and i’m 17 rn, in 3 more years i’ll be thinking the same thing about current me, and then three years after that as well, so on and so forth. present me thinks current me is dumb bitch as well, so maybe that’s not really saying much.

LMAOOOOOOO SO IM READING THE POST I MADE LAST YEAR ABOUT THE NEW YEAR AND HOW IT WAS GONNA BE MY YEAR, 2018 WAS NOT MY YEAR AT ALL I GAINED WEIGHT AND STARTED FAILING AND PROCRASTINATING IN ALL MY CLASSES. 2018 WAS NOT MY YEAR AND 2019 WONT BE EITHER IM GONNA BE ALONE AND FAT FOR YEARS TO COME SO I MIGHT AS WELL JUS DO WHAT I WANT BC LIFE GOES BY SO FAST AND ILL NEVER BE HAPPY OR GOOD ENOUGH 😘😘😘😘😘😘😘 IDC ANYMORE IM WEARING WHAT I WANT, IM SAYING WHAT I WANT AND TRYING TO GET MY LIFE ON TRACK W BASIC SHIT LIKE CLEAN MY ROOM, MY ROOM DEAD HASN’T BEEN CLEAN FOR 4 YEARS LAMAISKDJUSJSJAG IM ALSO TRYING TO FIGURE WHO I AM BC IVE BEEN HAVING AN IDENTITY CRISIS FOR MAYBE ALL OF HIGHSCHOOL. IM EMPY, IM LITERALLY EMPTY I DON’T FEEL ANYTHING WHILE WRITING THIS EXCEPT MAYBE AMUSEMENT AT HOW DUMB I AM SKSKOSKSSK

LIKE I SAID 2018 WAS GONNA BE MY YEAR BUT LITERALLY NOT EVEN 2 DAYS INTO IT I WAS THE MOST DEPRESSED I WAS ALL YEAR AND LITERALLY CRIED IN LIKE 5 DIFFERENT PUBLIC BATHROOMS BC I HATED MY LIFE, CRIED ANYTIME I EVEN REMOTELY THOUGHT ABOUT MY LIFE AND LITERALLY WANTED TO DIE. ILL BE 18 NEXT YEAR, AN ADuLT. PPL MY AGE HAVE BEEN TO GREAT PARTIES WON AWARDS MADE FRIENDSHIPS FOR LIFE AND IM JUST HERE. LIKE RN IM CHILL BUT THE THOUGHT OF ME WASTING MY LIFE IS ALWAYS IN THE BACK OF MY MIND THATS WHY I ALWAYS HAVE MY HEADPHONES, I CANT BE LEFT ALONE W MY THOUGHTS. HOW EMO UWU IS THAT? BUT THATS LITERALLY MY LIFE. I NEED TO SEE A THERAPIST BUT IM POOR AND CANT TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS WITH ANYBODY WITHOUT CRYING SO YEET THAT I GUESS.

MY FRIENDS HATE ME

IM FAT

IM POOR

AND I JUST LACK ANY TYPE OF POSITIVE TRAITS. THIS MAY SEEM LIKE REALLY HARSH ON MYSELF BUT ITS TRUE, IVE SPENT YEARS TRING TO DENY IT BUT NOPE, I HAVE NO TALENT OR ANY REDEEMING QUALITIES. I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING THIS YEAR, AND HAVE NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF.

HAPPY NEW YEARS 2019 EVERYBODY 🎉🎉🎉🎉

P.S I SLEPT ALL DAY THIS YEAR TOO 🤧💅🏻😘🤧😜

I'm gonna start journaling everyday I missed the 1st of January because I slept all day, as I stayed up watching the ball drop, listening to music and watching YouTube videos. This is what most days have been like lately, sleeping all day and really only leaving the house once a week, twice if I'm lucky. I really feel like I'm letting my life pass me by, 2017 went by in a heartbeat and I've really done nothing all year. But the thing is I convince myself that love solitude and being alone, which I do, to an extent- I hung out with friends outside of school functions twice this year I think, I went to see a movie with ****** and *** then I went to a Halloween festival thing with them and ****. I feel kinda bad that that was probably the best night of my life, so far as a 16 year old. I also did nothing on my 16th which is cool because birthdays aren't even really a big deal, like at all, but i don't know, it's been so implemented into my brain that you're supposed to have some big birthday party with everyone you know, but I've never even really cared about birthdays. I wanted to stop celebrating my birthday when I was like 10 or 11. I remember having a Monster High themed party, where I made my own birthday cake, we bought a bunch of decorations and we even made a bunch of goodie bags for the guests but i think maybe 4 people showed up, all of which were family members, because I was homeschooled and probably hadn't spoken to someone out side of our family in years. That was around 7-6 years ago and I still remember it so clearly.

I’ve been keeping a diary/journal type thing in my notes app on my phone for a while now lol, and it weirdly helps me deal with whatever i write about. i don’t know why but i’m gonna be keeping them on this blog instead,its all v personal sad stuff i don’t even tell my best friend but honestly my overwhelming need for attention beats out any negative emotion uwu