love, juls

hey, it's been a while since i last wrote here (well... maybe just a couple of months). i was trying to find the best journaling app that could possibly be synced to all my devices, and didn't realize soon enough that tumblr was the best app i could use for it.

this has always been my sanctuary; my safe space; the place where i can write everything down without having to worry about people reading them or judging me. i hope that i do find the time and energy to write down all the musings that i have here often. journaling really helps me unpack all my thoughts.

so anyway, this is the part where i tell you a story.

it has been over a month since i graduated from UP. i'm currently in sydney, australia and i flew here literally 4 days after i graduated because my family and i attended my cousin's wedding. so much has happened during my stay here.

a few weeks ago, i felt useless. i felt so stagnant. maybe it was. because i've been juggling academics, freelance work, and internships while i was still in college, i wasn't used to being so relaxed; i wasn't used to not worrying about anything. so i went on a job hunting spree, applying to every single graphic design job i could see on the internet. and lately, i realized that i didn't do that because i wanted to; i did it because i felt pressured; i felt like i needed to have a job even if i hadn't planned on getting one soon because of the circumstances (i'm oversees). but maybe it was also because of the frustration i had that i didn't have enough money. i spent almost my entire savings to fund my thesis the past year. i didn't have any income too because i stopped working (freelance and internships) to focus. i was desperate to graduate. and there i was, a broke girl desperate (again) to get money because honestly, it's expensive here in australia. nahihiya ako because everybody else pays for my meals when we go out. and admittedly, i didn't have enough money to spend whenever we explore different places here.

and so, going back to the job hunting spree, i got interviewed three times. and to cut the story short, one company i applied for (that i didn't actually desire that much) accepted me for the job. BUT, early on, i already had my reservations about it. i was sure that i didn't want to work for them, but it came to a point where i told myself i'd accept it and just see how it goes. at first, i became eager. but there was something in my gut telling me that this job wasn't for me. lo and behold, i read their contract and found a lot of things that did not align with my future career plans. so i had to decline the job offer. even if i felt like it was sayang, even if i felt like it was still an opportunity despite the red flags i saw.

it got me thinking: what do i really want to do?

so i started reflecting on things yesterday. i even asked chatgpt to help me with journal prompts for my self-rediscovery 2025 project.

one of the prompts chat gave me was: "where do i feel the most stuck or drained?" to which i answered (1) career, and (2) finances. i explained it on the journal, saying i don't have a steady source of income and that i used up all my savings for thesis.

for some reason, my gut kept telling me to open up the bible app. now for full transparency, i am not the most religious person in the world. but when i opened the app, this verse greeted me "The Lord is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in him." - Nahum 1:7 and i was taken aback because of how accurate it was with my situation right now. and then, because i have my doubts, i looked at a different verse of the day online and i read this passage:

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior." - Habakkuk 3:17-18

i don't know if this is just pure coincidence, but i cried. i don't know if God is sending me a sign but for now, this will do. this can be my reminder to push forward. i don't know what's gonna happen but maybe i'll just put my trust in the Lord.

so hey future me. this is you from april 2025.

this isn’t going to be ‘poetic’ or anything along those lines. this is just me trying to let all my thoughts out. raw. pure. straight from the heart. i honestly just miss writing. writing what i feel. writing with an extensive vocabulary. i don’t know if i still have it in me but i hope i do. all i’ve been writing these days are things for my thesis. and honestly, most of it weren’t even made from scratch. i’m a guilty ai user (but please, jsyk, i use it ETHICALLY! but i can’t deny the fact that i have been being reliant on chat gpt to give me ideas. that’s my bad).

anyway, only a few weeks left before i turn 25. i’m currently broke (literally) and struggling with so many things. but hey, i’m also graduating in approximately 70 days. i haven’t completed my thesis but i’m already claiming that sablay 2025!!!

it’s honestly so crazy how so many things have changed since the last time i wrote something here. i can’t believe i got through all the things that i was going through and right now, i’m still here. back in my safe space. back where i pour out my innermost thoughts without having to think twice about what i write.

i met up with my shs friends yesterday. i missed them. i can’t believe that i’ve known them for 8 years already. i’m always grateful for them. i know they’re gonna be my friends for life.

i unexpectedly got a phone upgrade too. well, the iphone 11 was due for an upgrade anyway. i can’t believe i bought that phone almost 5 years ago already. it has been through so much with me.

I'm writing this on May 4th. I haven't been able to write an entry the past two months because I've been caught up on so many things. Just a quick life update, I was offered a freelance job for an Australian Marketing Agency (though right now, I don't have any projects with them), I'm now taking a PAID internship in Sunnies Studios (plus point: I have a work laptop -- a MacBook Air -- that I've also been using for my academic related tasks HAHAHAH), I FINALLY got my first tattoo, and currently, I am very overwhelmed with everything that has been happening in my life.

Looking back at my previous diary entries, I realized that I've achieved so much in the last two months. Thinking about revisiting this blog was the best decision I've done -- I got to see how my life has been continuously progressing because I don't notice that it is.

Life has been so fast-paced lately that I want to slow down and bask in the present. I want to enjoy what's happening NOW. I don't want to worry about what tomorrow or the next month will bring, even just for a day.

The month went by so fast. Quick announcement: I no longer post on my Instagram everyday. From @pritongsiomai, I am now @beefysaucylinamnamulam. I got so caught up with classes that I don’t get the chance to post anymore. Well, I do post the randomest shit on my stories everyday, there’s that. At least I can trace what I’ve been up to there.

In terms of the book I am reading this month, I’m still stuck with Big Magic. I do admit that I’ve lost so much time to read because of the constant battle of commuting to class every now and then, and I really don’t want to bring any additional weight anymore because my back PUNISHES me for it.

On a deeper and personal level, the month has been so challenging. As I’ve said before, I want to become the best version of myself this year. Though I think it is possible, there are so many setbacks that make me anxious every now and then. I’ve been constantly thinking about my future, about how I can save up for a lot of things (namely: a laptop, our Singapore trip in November, birthday gifts, Toffee’s needs, and just saving up for myself in general). I don’t know where I can get money. I can do commissions but I really don’t have the time to make all those announcement pubs and shit. I can get another paid internship, but I know I’ll find it hard to balance with my academic load. I can bake, but the commute from Bulacan to QC is just so draining, I don’t know if I’ll still have the energy to do so. Tangina penge nalang pera!!!!! Joke lang, manifesting commissions soon nalang 😭

(even though I wrote this ln February 6th)

To my future self, I know that someday you’ll look back on this blog and reread posts and cringe so hard at what you’ve written — but I just want to tell you that I’m proud of you EVEN if you did not accomplish writing about how your day went on Tumblr every single day. Well, You’ve successfully posted on your Instagram dump (@pritongsiomai – I hope you still remember her) everyday for the month of January until now, as you were writing this on February 6th of 2023. Anyway, back to what you wanted to say:

I guess I could say that the month has been a rollercoaster of emotions. The first few weeks of January were absolutely stressful since I was struggling to keep up with all my requirements from the previous semester; deadlines were piled up like crazy and I didn’t think I could finish everything on time. But I did. (Well, except for PE where I got an INC but that’s TOTALLY FINE. I can finish that before the year ends. Sure I can.) I successfully finished the semester with 1.5 as my lowest grade (wait til I get my grades from PE lol). I’m so glad that I got to hang out with friends even outside of academic requirements (well, we DID do academic requirements but we did it TOGETHER outside of class.) I’m thankful for the bond that Rei, Alyanna and I had shared this month. It feels refreshing to finally have people whom I can call friends at UP. Oh. Another thing. I finally had the time to reflect. After a very long while, I got to experience VACATION properly again. Like I literally have nothing to do (except PE… okay I’ll finish that SOON!!!!)

Going back, despite that haunting INC, I’m incredibly proud of myself for pushing through and sticking to the things that I told myself I would do to change for the better. I promised myself that 2023 would be the year when I started thinking of myself more — prioritizing my mental health, investing in myself, and just overall trying to be the best version of me I could ever be. I started reading again, which is good because I have been discovering so much things about me that I never really knew. I finished Every Day by David Levithan, a favorite when I was sixteen. And now, at twenty two it really hit different. I really wasn’t that impressed by it. But okay, it’s still a good book. 6/10. I also started reading Atomic Habits by James Clear, but I haven’t revisited the book again since I got a physical copy of a different self-help book — Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert. And oh my fucking god. It has been so impactful to the way I think as a creative. I can’t even explain how much I love it. So, to my future self, if ever you’re coming across this and you don’t know which book to read, pick it up again. I’m sure you’ll find a lot of insights there. I marked it up for you.

This month was also challenging for Sean and I’s relationship. I mean we obviously did NOT break up, but we had some trouble here and there because of our personal priorities. Which is totally understandable by the way, we didn’t have any huge fight about it but we were able to talk it through and compromise for each other. And on that note, I just love our relationship because we’ve obviously grown so much individually and as a couple. We’re able to fully express our feelings without sudden outbursts of emotions, we just talk shit through and get over the things that we’re supposed to get over together. Safe to say that our relationship has never been healthier.

I just loved how January was for me. I’m hoping that the next couple of months will be too. I’m already claiming that this is going to be my year. I’m owning it. 2023 will be the hear when I’ll start my journey to become a bad ass boss bitch.

I went to UP today for Dimensions’ ticket selling. I brought my baked goods with me, thankfully I sold most of it. I’m starting to feel like an actual college student again. The past two years of the pandemic has taken so much from my experiences — sometimes I even feel like I’m still a freshie at UP, still trying to figure out how everything works, not knowing which buildings each college is located, confused about the UP Ikot’s route even though I’ve seen the pubmats about it a couple of times already. It feels like a new beginning even though my life as an Iskolar ng Bayan started way back 2020. THREE DAMN YEARS.

Can I just say that I love riding the jeepneys from SM North to UP? I really can’t explain how it feels, but it does feel good (at least to me it does). I love remembering the streets in UP that lead to somewhere I know. I love knowing where to eat, what the color of the jeepney’s roofs are depending on where they’re going, I love being in UP. It really does feel like home.

Anyway, enough with the sappy, sentimental shit. Surprise! We didn’t get any Dimensions tickets! The line was so long I wasn’t even gonna hope that we’d get some. I mean it’s alright though, I’ve already secured tickets for Cosmos. Today was spent with some of my acquaintances from UP. I wouldn’t actually call all of them my friends because I don’t even know if they would consider me as their friend (except for Alyanna & Nic!). So yes, I spent the day with Darla, Sophie, Jade, Alyanna, and Nic today. I’ll just post some photos so I could remember this day when I come back to my entries. Oh and yeah, my book and annotating supplies arrived today! I’m so excited to read this one!

Today I baked cookies and brownies. It has been a long time since I have and I really enjoyed it. I literally spent the whole day baking, I can’t even remember what else I did. I’m going to sell these when I go to campus tomorrow. Bondee is also such a fun app, I’ve added so many friends already lol it’s better than updating Instagram!!!

Today I woke up early. I’m really trying to be a morning person now that face to face classes are about to make it’s awaited comeback. Ah yes, there was an actual reason why I woke up early — I had to do my sister’s project for biology which was to make sourdough bread. I thought it was going to be easy since I know how to bake, but breads are so much different than the other pastries I’ve been making over the last three years. To cut this segment short, I think I made it work, but that didn’t erase the fact that the bread tasted so awful — IT WAS SO SOUR (and no, just because it has sour in the name doesn’t mean it should taste that way!!!) The sourdough bread I’ve eaten from a bakery did not taste that way at all.

The day was slow, just like the previous days that have passed. Ever since I finished the semester, it seems as if I don’t have any driving force to make it through the day. I am literally so bored and because of that, I started updating my portfolio and resume. Huh. I guess my overworked self functions better than my vacation mode self. I also had a very intense existential crisis today, but I forced myself to continue where I left off in James Clear’s Atomic Habits and it made me feel a whole lot better. I swear this book answers EVERYTHING that I want to ask. It addresses the struggles I’m currently having as an adult in her early twenties, trying to go through the motions and figure out life.

The chapter that I read today also struck me hard — what kind of person do I really want to be? WHO do I want to be? It’s a question that only I can answer for myself. Right now, I do have thoughts of the person that I do want to be and although I still haven’t developed this identity yet, let me speak it into existence, manifest, and act on it until it eventually becomes who I am.

She is a kind and compassionate.

She’s very good at handling money, thus she’s rich.

She’s a girl boss — independent and intelligent.

She knows what she wants.

She’s a successful entrepreneur; the CEO of her own company — creative, hardworking, and organized.

She has her own place with a studio and everything she needs to fulfill her work as a young creative.

She’s happy. She’s contented. She’s right where she should be.

I could say that today was an “off” day. Well, thankfully I got to finish the one task I had assigned for myself which was to finally upload the portrait commission I haven’t done in weeks. Naomi Ng, a returning client, already paid for the artwork weeks ago but Finals Season got in the way. She wasn’t mad though. She already told me that there was no need to rush. BUT it was fully paid so medyo nahiya naman akong late ko nang naupload yung file.

I had a hard time focusing on reading today. I was really distracted by my phone a lot, and since I’m reading Atomic Habits through it, a lot of distractions caught me off guard. I can hold myself accountable though. I know that I get so distracted on my phone, but really, part of me just wants to purchase a physical copy of the book, that’s why I don’t want to read it on my phone. DILEMMA: Books cost so much money now. I remember back in 2016, you could literally purchase a book for only 300-400 pesos!!! Now I can’t even see a book that costs less than 500. Alam niyo, sinisisi ko talaga si 88m for every minor inconvenience that happens to me, and yes, I blame 88m kung bakit ang mahal ng libro ngayon.

Today was really so uneventful. I remember spending most of it on my phone, scrolling on TikTok, browsing for book recommendations and actually searching for them on Shopee to check the prices. I honestly want to read again. It’s such a sweet escape from reality — it gives me so much comfort; it makes me feel like I’m in a different place. Anyway, I also tried helping my sister out for a school project. She has to make sourdough bread, and I, as a self-proclaimed baker, tried the best I can to do so. Although bukas ko pa siguro maisasalang at maiknead dahik di pa nagddouble in size. Okay, that is TOO MUCH DETAIL and this is getting soooo long. But okay, iisipin ko nalang na at least maaalala ko lahat nang to pag binasa ko in the future.

I’m also kinda annoyed at Sean today. But I’m thinking that this is just because I want his attention. Medyo mapapatagalog na tayo dito sa part na to kasi I am now realizing that I am NOT WRITING A BOOK. This is my diary please I wanna be myself LMAO napressure lang siguro ako because of my previous entries here. But anyway, I tried my best to assess everything first before I tell him that I’m pissed pero siyempre di ko naman na sinabi. I really do understand that he’s busy, he has exams pero all I want is just an update of what he’s gonna do. It’s not a hard task to type “Busy ako today so di kita mabibigyan ng atensyon”. The worst part is that sinabi ko na to before. A LOT OF TIMES NA. And because medyo nacloud na ng inis yung judgment ko, nainis lang ako slight na nagpunta siya sa dorm ng friend niya. PERO BAGO NIYO AKO IJUDGE (kung may magbabasa man nito tf????) I realized na deserve niya yun dahil sobrang lungkot kaya manirahan sa condo tas walang kasama, at least man lang may makausap siya okay yun. HAY alam nyo problema kasi kay Sean kapag busy siya di talaga nakakausap kahit anong kalabit mo pa eh ewan ko ba kainis lang minsan gusto ko lang naman makipagchikahan kahit 5 minutes e, pag naguusap kami lately di tumatagal ng ganon yung momentum. Ilang segundo lang wala na ulit paramdam. Pero okay sige HAY iintindihin ko nalang. Pero sasabihin ko sakanya yung nafeel ko.

dear sean,

i’ve been nostalgic these past few days. i keep rereading old conversations and sending photos from a couple of years back. to be honest, i don’t know why. maybe it’s just because i can’t believe we’re turning six in two months. time flew by so fast. we’re at 70 months in a couple of hours.

i don’t update this blog as much as i used to. but just so it’s documented, we have changed so much since then. we’re no longer in the pacutesy couple phase, that’s for sure, but we’re so comfortable with each other now that i don’t mind if you see a booger up my nose and get it yourself. i know you’d do that when i ask you to, but i’ll say: “kadiri ka!” just like i always do even when i was the one who asked for it.

sometimes i get a little too caught up with what’s happening around; sometimes i tend to compare our relationship with others but eventually end up telling myself that i wouldn’t have it any other way. maybe it happens because i miss the days when we couldn’t get enough of each other—endless texting, video calls that last up to three hours (well, i think that NEVER happened to us though), sweet good morning and good night messages, and all that honeymoon phase kilig shit that everyone dreams about, you know the drill. but then i start to realize how much i love how we’re doing now. we’re the best of friends. i know we have been for a long time now, but i feel like we just share this bond that’s so genuine because we know each other so well. and yes, as cliche as it sounds, i just know for sure that you’re my soulmate.

loving is so easy with you. i admit that our relationship isn’t always rainbows, butterflies and good vibes, but you make it so easy for me to love. 

i really don’t want to make this long. maybe that’s it for now. just know that i will always love you. in every lifetime, every universe, everyday.

birthdays get a little sadder every year when you’re older. 

besides not getting any presents, not as much people greet you like they all used to. i’m not complaining though, i know everyone my age is too preoccupied and focused on their priorities to even care about what’s happening around. but i can’t deny that there’s still that hint of kilig when people remember that it’s your day.

nothing extraordinary happened. my birthday was just like all the days that have passed when the pandemic started; i wake up, eat, do my tasks, and sleep at who knows what ungodly hour again. i didn’t even blow on my birthday cake’s candle -- my mom insisted though, but i refused. i nearly slept all day because maybe i was thinking that this could compensate for all the sleepless nights i endured to do the things that i had to do. there weren’t any fancy dishes, guests, party hats and balloons. it was just a normal day in our household; just like any other day. 

maybe i’m really just not in the mood to celebrate. maybe it’s because of my period. maybe i’m too caught up on the things i should be doing. maybe my sentiments about the elections influenced my disposition. maybe i’m being too hard on myself. maybe it’s because i know we don’t have any money to afford an actual celebration. or maybe i got so used to not celebrating my birthday.

will birthdays ever be fun again when i turn a little older? when i have the money and the means to celebrate?

twenty two’s a scary number. i thought i would’ve had my life figured out by now and i guess i was wrong. taylor swift was right when she said “how could a person know everything at eighteen, but nothing at twenty two?”

there are days when you feel things all at once; days when you can’t really figure out what you’re feeling or what you want to feel about something. they’re unpredictable. one day you’re just laying down and trying to get your mind off of things then it hits you. that familiar sadness comes back from god-knows-where and drowns you until you can’t breathe.