Diannaries

But I acted the moment I felt the pain.

The past few months was bliss and sorrow. The excitement and the thrill without thinking about morrow.

Something within me was changed. Who would thought that a person once cheated became a cheater. I was so disgusted with myself. I don’t want to romanticize this because wrong is wrong but on the other hand love is love.

My morals was tested by my drive and desires. In the end, it was greater than what is “good” as dictated by the society.

I never been inlove this way. It feels so right and feels so wrong at the same time. It felt heaven and hell. I was addicted to it, addicted to him and deluded with the thought of “us”. There was never an us. 

It was only me who played this game and got lost in the end. 

But can you blame me? I felt the emotional connection that we shared every time that I am with him. I don’t care what people will say -- all I think is about us. When will I see him again? Will he love me too the way that I did? All of that thoughts are just my imaginations. Again, I was the one who invested so much I was ready to lose everything for him. I was ready to give up the person who loves me more than I love myself. I was willing to risk it all. EVERYTHING.

I tried to be logical. I tried to ran away from him but I was drowned by my love for him. The more want to escape the deeper I got into. I want to explain myself. I want to defend my self that I will not do it to him. I want to prove it to him. I just need a chance. Just one chance. That never happened because I know he was also traumatized with his past lover. However, I know deep in myself that I can be more than them. I can give more than what they can give. But I will never be them. My body was too big and my face is too ugly for his standard. In short, I never have that “beauty queen” type of girl. What can I do? This is what God gave to me. All I need is to accept that I cannot have him. No matter what I do. No matter who I am. He doesn’t love me. He just gave the “experience” took it for granted and I am too stupid to fall for him. 

Now, my life is fucked up. Still moving on what have had happened. Thinking of what could it be if it’s us in the end. I forgive him and even befriended him for the sake of the love I had - for what we had. because this is the only way I can love him silently while moving on at the same time. 

No matter what he did to me - that one thing that he left me but lost and forgotten,  I didn’t care. I suppressed it to be okay because that’s what I need to be. I skipped the process because the what ifs still lingers in my head. I never had that closure that I really wanted because all I do is talk and act oppositely the way I think and I feel. I was so afraid to be hurt again. I guarded myself and pretended to be that strong.

I am so messed up. I want to take everything slow. pace by pace it’s been months since that event but the trauma is still here. Unlike him, he was so happy now with his lover and I am happy for him. That’s love right?  To see your love ones happy even it’s not with you - to set them free even if it hurts that you can actually die. 

GROW

But today, I decided to end this. To forget and to never look back. I will not let go of the burden of this heart. To reconcile with my present and to look forward with the future.

It’s been a long time since I remember how it feels to be alive. I want to live again, to describe things like hemmingway does. I want to inspire people again. I want to be myself again.