Lonely Lauren

The lesbian coworker apparently has a boyfriend(?) Or is at least interested in a guy so ig she's my bi coworker now. Probably have no chance now tbh

Just about spending time with her, we would say the same things and laugh together

But today like, even though we weren't really working close to each other it felt like she was laughing at jokes I was making a *lot.* She also complimented my little snowman earring randomly so like idek anymore

My brother recently went somewhere with friends that i'd have loved to see, but I wasn't invited. Not that he's obligated to bring his girlfail recluse ass sister but he said something like "we have to go to ____ sometime" when I was first hearing ab his plans. I'm glad he enjoyed himself, and he's doing really well with his life but I find myself comparing us (big mistake)

I feel great about my body since I started transitioning, but I feel like it has only pushed me further into isolation. Asking people to hang out seems unattainable and desperate. Not to mention valentines day is around the corner, it will be the 6th in a row that I've been single.

She was there today and we got to work in the same area. I kept like having to walk away and spend a few minutes away, and BOTH times I did that she looked at me and mouthed "where were you" like she felt abandoned

We were like both joking and laughing all day - and she liked the lemon cookies I made as well

I made a joke, which was pretty good apparently bcz me and her laughed for about 30 seconds "that one was really good" I remember her saying. I turned around about a minute and a half later and she was still smiling about it :)

She had mentioned she was going to go outside to smoke, which reminded me that I left my name tag in the back so I said: "Oh that reminds me that I left my name tag in the - ummmm" (blanked on the words I was thinking of, im not the best at being functional.) But she finished waht o was saying like "In the drive through? Yeah its still back there." I thanked her for "just knowing that off the top of your head" as she was walking away but it still made me happy

She told me last week that she had some earrings she found for me because they reminded her of me, and she specifically said "I cant wait to see you in your new earrings"

That made me flash back to some other passing comments, but I'm not gonna get specific. Today I was wearing the earrings, I like walked around a corner and saw her and she was like "oh there you are" and im in my head like "YOURE 16 YEARS OLDER THAN ME WTF"

She kept just like starting conversations with me though, and said I "looked nice in green," and started talking about my hair being curly. Like no shit, ive got curly hair... its always been curly?

Anyways there's this other lesbian at work who's actually in my age group, and is really funny and caring, and she came up to me llater and was like "she just cant stay away huh?"

Last week I walked out of the men's bathroom, and walked past a mother leading her daughter to the bathroom. The daughter saw me, and nearly walked into the men's room. Luckily her mom noticed, I heard her saying "she was probably just checking something in there" as I was walking away.

And basically my manager said something like "i have my own opinions, but if someone I care about asks to be called something else I will" which is sentimentally okay I *guess,* you should respect trans ppls identity, obviously. I just dont like the implication that your respecting trans identity is if you care about someone.

It makes me feel like I'm the one who's wrong. Like the person I see in the mirror is merely my mind showing me who I want to see. It makes me feel like every person I talk to every day at work, everyone who is nice and accepting is just playing a part.