Guess who's back with a Kazuma Essay
You know, I find the complete antagonization of Kazuma by some "fans" to be.. unsettling. As someone who has severe anger issues/mental health struggles, I’ve been where Kazuma is, in the fucking GUTTER, I’ve clung to the most horrible revenge fantasies and allowed myself to become sick and depraved if it meant getting what I saw as justice- I didn’t purposefully mistreat my loved ones, but I was so blinded by anger that they got hurt trying to help me. So when people say Kazuma WANTED to hurt Ryuunosuke, that he’s this sick, irredeemable monster who shouldn’t be forgiven- like- what’s the takeaway here? That mentally ill people are lost causes?
Kazuma was putting himself through agony because if he was in pain then his mission must be righteous, he is not enjoying a second of it, because he dared to live after his parents died, every second of his time in 2-4 to 2-5 is a special punishment, he wants Ryuunosuke to see how horrific he’s become, he wants the people he loves to give up on him because he is TERRIFIED of hurting them more than he already has, he is thorns and brambles and cannot bear it.
Being.. hated is easier than being loved. I know that firsthand. Being hated is predictable; it’s a feeling you can reach out and cling to, the knowledge that someone cares enough to at least want you dead.
Love means work, love means someone won’t go away, being loved means you are worth something and that is the most terrifying thing in the world. To be known is horrific. It’s that fallacy that if you’re suffering for a cause, then the cause must be righteous.. but in the end it’s just suffering with no purpose. Kazuma fears love, he fears being embraced- He's so completely unprepared to begin unpacking the fact that all of the years he spent alone being scared and miserable didn’t need to happen, that his suffering didn’t have a purpose.
Oh, how freeing it is to truly be nothing of value, a bird with a broken wing. Do you help it stay alive and prolong the suffering, or do you stamp on its pathetic body and cut the misery short?
You are nothing, you are lower than dirt, Asougi Kazuma. It is your birthright.
We know that at a certain point this mission stopped even being something that was interconnected with him as a person, it wasn’t who he was- it was merely something ingrained into him- we know this because when he’d lost every semblance of himself.. every speck of memory.. that voice telling him to go to England.. that mission, that punishment he gave himself.. It still lingers in his mind like a ghost. Like a ghoul. He doesn’t want this anymore, that’s why he was so ready to throw it all away if it meant defending Ryuunosuke- (I see people talking abt how obsessed Ryuu must’ve been with Kazuma but Kazuma was JUST as obsessed, and they’re in love mwahahaha..) Kazuma also considers his own misery to be the reason that his mission is righteous, misery has always preceded anything good in his life, after all.. his parents died? He found a sister and friend in Susato, he was humiliated on stage? He met his beloved aibou, he must kill a man in order to get to England. His misery is a Sisyphean sort of thing, if he suffers then it will lead to good things, taking the path of least resistance isn’t an option because if he has not suffered for something then he does not DESERVE IT. This makes him short sighted, it makes him inconsiderate and selfish at times, he can’t be wrong in his mission because that means all the time he spent getting to this very moment was a waste of time and THAT is unacceptable. He is driven by anger, by his profound loneliness, and ONLY when that veil of darkness is pierced by his two most precious companions- (His sister and Partner) Only then does a will of anger become the drive to deliver justice.
