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All naughty girls know the consequences of misbehaving, even if they’re yet to actually experience it themselves.

A good hard spanking on the bare bottom.

But have you ever contemplated why we disciplinarians always pull down your panties?

One obvious reason is the highly charged erotic theatre of the undressing ritual, a simple act that can simultaneously flood a naughty girl’s mind with a heady mixture of trepidation, excitement and shame.

Some girls think their panties must come down because a spanking on bare skin hurts more. But in reality, a barrier of thin fabric rarely has much moderating effect, and could easily be negated by pulling the panties up tight to expose her buttocks anyway. So dispensing with protective cover isn’t a strong reason to pull them down at all.

A more compelling reason it is provides an opportunity for her to confirm her consent. When a disciplinarian tells her to pull down her own panties, they are offering her an option: she can acquiesce to their instructions and signal her willingness to submit to her impending punishment, or she can assert her right to say no and call a halt the scene. 

Another part of the reason is, of course, that spankers tend to find the buttocks and the intimate areas that lie within both aesthetically beautiful and sensually arousing. Even though disciplinarians often prefer to keep their appreciation to themselves, especially when needing to project a stern, austere professional demeanour. After all, a girl who reports to be spanked should be thinking about the smacks on her bottom, not how pretty it looks.

But perhaps the most important reason we pull down your panties is because it allows us to see how excited you are.

To we disciplinarians, little details matter. We notice the sticky smears inside your underwear as you slip them down your thighs, and the glistening wetness of your slit that you do your best to hide. We know arousal prior to punishment is inseparable from the act of physical discipline. It is not a mere side-effect, but something just as important as the pain you’ll soon be experiencing.

As stories like Abstract Art and Ups and Downs demonstrate, the discovery of a sticky mess in the panties of one about to be spanked speaks volumes.

A wet slit tells a disciplinarian something she dares not say aloud: that her brattiness is an act, and her protests a charade. Her arousal demonstrates that in reality, she needs this discipline. It might even reveal how much she craves it.

We disciplinarians inspect those we put across our knees to assess how much this spanking will actually hurt. We know any girl who bends over with a dripping slit will already be high on a heady cocktail of arousal hormones, her body awash with adrenaline, estradiol and oxytocin. Her spanking might still hurt, but we know it will only be a transient sting, her pain soon transmuted to a fuzzy pleasure by the endorphins it triggers.

When a girl with a wet slit is being spanked, we know it is because she needs to be spanked.

To take your spanking like a good girl, is to submit without fuss. Aroused, contrite and accepting.

But what if a girl is spanked without being aroused at all?

An unaroused girl is one who had not anticipated her spanking, one who’ll receive little satisfaction from her punishment, one who will be dismissed with a bottom that’s hot, pink and sore, uncomfortably stinging and throbbing. 

This is what happens to Bad Girls. Those who receive abrupt, sudden punishments. The ones taken unawares, whose misbehaviour results in a wrist being grasped, to be dragged over a lap or bent over in front of the class. Bad Girls are not aroused because they didn’t think their misdemeanour would ever be discovered, they believed they’d got away with it.

But now her skirt is being raised and her panties are being tugged down. True punishment spankings are always performed without delay, so the miscreant doesn’t have time to get aroused. Not for her the mercy of visiting the headmistress after school, clit hard and pussy moist after a quick rubbing in a nearby toilet cubicle. Bad Girls are spanked immediately. Their pleas ignored.

Her disciplinarian nudges a Bad Girl’s legs apart, noticing how the lips of her slit are slim and dry, not swollen and puffy. In this state, two dozen hard whacks with the cane, slipper or wooden ruler can suffice. Her arousal will come later, as she stands in the corner with her red cheeks on display, or replays her humiliation as she lies on her bed, with her fingers between her legs.

A Bad Girl rarely feels contrition, and only begins to regret her naughtiness as her bottom reddens. She resents being punished as she doesn’t really feel she’s done anything wrong. She may kick and whine and struggle and cry, but we disciplinarians already know what to expect. We have foreseen it.

Not that we needed to read your mind. A bare slit reveals everything we need to know.

Hotsteeltoys' Ultimate Breast Press in action - pressing and stretching at the same time. Spiked version also avialable!

It absolutely is NOT just the sexual activity the precedes intercourse. Seduction never ends. It isn’t something you only do before becoming intimate. Intimacy is all day. Foreplay is all day. It’s effort, words, the little things, subtleties, actions, willingness, and desire.

It’s letting them know that they’re on your mind. It’s doing things because you want to and not because you feel like you have to. It’s helping them see their beauty on the inside and out. It’s letting them know that they are yours and that you are theirs. It’s loving and caring for them. It’s teasing them. It’s showing them that they are the fuel that sets your very soul aflame.

Foreplay isn’t just touch. It’s not just rubbing the right spot or putting on an outfit. It’s growling terribly delicious things in their ear while you wrap your hands around their neck. It’s texting them. It’s calling them. It’s checking up on them. It’s asking if they need anything. It’s sharing responsibilities. It’s leaving little notes. It’s letting them feel your love and lust for them. It’s helping them realize how sexy, intelligent, creative, unique, and imperfectly perfect they are to you.

It’s being consistent and considerate. It’s enforcing rules and protocols. It’s passion. It’s follow through and being there. It’s not giving up and standing taller when things get tough. It’s making sure each other is doing their self-care. It’s making the time. It’s supporting each other. It’s friendship. It’s a union and partnership. It’s wanting each other. It’s lifting each other up. It’s listening to them. It’s guiding them. It’s helping them grow. It’s COMMUNICATION!

Foreplay is what you do all day long. It’s all of the things you do for one another. It’s your words and your actions. The seduction never ever ends. You continuously seduce each other physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and intellectually. So, go forth and remember: Foreplay all day.

How to Fall Asleep in Two Minutes or Less https://t.co/cn5qIMgRIo pic.twitter.com/0ssxh3luNd

When I asked @cynicaldom for domestic discipline I talked about being held accountable. Punishments, rules, limits, boundaries. 

He didn’t really get it. He told me I was already good. He didn’t want to punish me for no reason. Why be harsh to someone you like? 

If I knew then what I knew now, I’d tell him something much different. 

I’d tell him, this is how you make me feel safe. This is how you can take care of me. This is how you can make me feel more comfortable having a louder voice. This is how you break down my walls, and get gifted my whole heart. This is how you can own all of me. 

This is how we can give each other more confidence. You’ll call the shots and I’ll admire you for being the head of the household. I’ll do as you ask of me and you’ll be surprised at what I’ll do to please you once you start instructing more. Yes, I need limits and boundaries and punishments but not to make me feel bad or to harm me. To let me let go of guilt, to move forward, to learn that I can make mistakes and still be loved and accepted. Sometimes I need a firm hand to remind me that you won’t let me take over, that this arrangement we’ve made is as solid as a wall. Or a paddle, anyway. Yes, I’m already a good girl, but if you let me, I’ll try hard to become my very best self through your guidance.

I’d remind him of how he told me he liked old-fashioned relationships years prior. Remember when I was in school and you were working and I felt bad about not working myself? You told me it was okay because I did the laundry and the dishes and you liked providing for us both. That was kind of an exchange back then and we didn’t see it. I’d explain that we can just update it and add onto it and call it D/s while still staying us. I’d say, I’m just asking for sort of a romanticized old-fashioned couple, where you lead and I defer to your decisions happily. You don’t have to be a cold, angry guy, I know that isn’t you and that isn’t what I want. You don’t have to feed my insecurities or my self-hatred. I know you are unwilling to do that anyway. I know you refuse to be anything but good to me, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be my Dominant. In fact, that’s what makes you worthy of leading. You can lead in ways that encourage me to be kinder to myself. You can be as empathetic and loving as you’ve always been. You can use your role to encourage me to open up, to set goals that I can achieve but hesitate to do without encouragement. You can take the control I hand to you, and admit to enjoying it and still be a good man. I’ll see myself and our relationship blossom under your leadership and will be convinced that you are the best man I know. You are the best man I know. 

I’d explain how this can feed off of itself, bringing us to a level of happiness we’ve never seen before. You’ll make me feel taken care of, which will make you feel good. Plus I’ll adore you for doing it, which will make you feel even better. I’ll feel better on seeing your happiness because pleasing me pleases you. And on and on it will go. 

_____

Everybody knows about these things, it’s no news to anybody I assume. But how many couples really pay attention to them, consciously, and make an effort in actually doing them? One of the most toxic misconceptions for relationships is the one that two people who love each other will always have a happy relationship automatically, and forever. That love is all it takes - and if it doesn’t last, well, guess your love wasn’t strong enough then, it cannot have been ‘real love’ because otherwise you’d still be together. But that’s not how it works, or only in the rarest of cases. Love is the basis, but love is not ‘all it takes’. It takes more.

Falling in love is the easy part. There’s actually research about how you can make people fall in love with each other, basic compatibility provided of course. It’s not difficult. What is difficult is to make a relationship last for a long time, and just how difficult it is you can easily see when looking at divorce statistics. And much more people, than the ones who get divorced at some point, don’t even reach a point of getting married in the first place anymore.

In my grandmother’s generation a divorce was just not a realistic scenario. Once you were married, you were married for life, period. My mother’s generation is the first to get divorced or break up long term relationships, and the first to, on a big scale, potentially have to face the fear of dying alone. My generation starts to panic already at age 30, thinking that they will never even find someone for a long term commitment to begin with - you see it everywhere even here on Tumblr, I was the same not too long ago. Isn’t that a worrisome development?

Yes, sure, I realize that many of the marriages in our grandparent’s generations lasted because there simply was no other choice, leaving was just not an option in many cases. But in total, were and are these couples less happy than modern couples? I wouldn’t jump to this conclusion too easily. But anyways…

We have all the freedom in the world nowadays to pick exactly the person that we want, to reboot and try again at any time and for any reason, until it really fits. And that’s great. But new opportunities come with new problems, that we never had before and haven’t learned how to deal with yet. In a world where a relationship is not automatically, by design, a long term commitment anymore but one pass of many in a series of trial and error, how to know when to settle, or if settling for something good is even the best thing to do, if waiting for the optimum wouldn’t be better. And once you arrived, in whatever way or by whatever method, in a place with a person where you feel comfortable, how to ensure the integrity of this bond, where there are no outside forces, no outside pressure anymore holding it together?

I was incredibly lucky, finding someone who matches me so well, so relatively early in my life. I’m 31 now, I’m happily married and honestly believe that this marriage is exceptional, has an exceptionally good chance to last. But it doesn’t happen automatically either. We have to work on the integrity of our bond too. M/s or not, there isn’t any real necessity for us to stay together either. We stay together if we make ourselves stay together because we want and choose to stay together. And this is work.

I don’t mean the hole digging kind of work, that exhausts you and you’re not really sure why you’re doing it. It’s the pleasurable kind of work, like knitting a scarf of alpaca wool in your favorite color or building a tree house in your favorite tree in the back yard. You get to choose your materials and the tools, you’re having fun and you learn something in the process, and in the end you have a result to be proud of that means something. Well, the metaphor is not perfect, because relationship work never ends, it’s an ongoing process, but still you get the idea. It’s pleasure-work.

And yet, it’s work. Relationships are fragile interindividual constructs, that desintegrate if you leave them alone. Almost necessarily, by nature, because they are constructed of people, and people are fragile. We’re not made of steel, so our relationships aren’t either. We can, we will be incredibly stupid and irrational sometimes, make mistakes, break down (and then get back up again), lose focus, be weak, distracted, miss something important, that’s inevitable, and it kills our relationships if we don’t actively put a counter force in place, that keeps everything together.

And this counter force is commitment. Time. Hugs. Kind words. All kinds of words actually, aka communication. Sharing - that’s maybe the point of it all. Shared time, doing things together, taking time for the other. Shared space, being close to each other, showing physical affection. Shared goals, planning for the future together. Shared work, supporting each other, serve each other’s needs and wants. Shared fun, laughing together, having sex, having common hobbies. Shared sadness, staying by each other’s side not only when everything goes smoothly but also during the hard times, being able not only to laugh but also to cry together. Sharing as a course of action, not as a passive condition.

Relationship hygiene is a skill, that we have to learn and cultivate. And Sharing as a Course of Action, that’s how we get to do that. That’s what it takes.

_____

When I first started in D/s, it felt like a missing piece of my soul had finally fallen into place. I felt for the first time like someone validated every desire I’d ever had. And then there were the rules! Such titillating, filthy rules… 

But something was missing. I couldn’t understand what it was. I was in a 24/7 dynamic with the rules and structure I craved. And I could feel his ownership in every moment, through my dripping arousal. Edging in the bathroom at work, wearing a plug on appointed days, using my body when he wanted in whatever way he desired. And this was a man that I loved deeply and had a long history with. But still, the dynamic didn’t sate me the way I had imagined.

I didn’t realize what was missing until much later, when I found that bone-deep fulfillment in another D/s relationship. I had wondered if maybe I was wrong about my need for submission and power exchange—if maybe it was just another kinky thing I liked. But what I realized is that you can have 24/7 D/s with someone you love and still get D/s wrong. The difference is in how you structure it and where you put your focus.

Now that I’ve learned what fulfills me, I’ve come to see power exchange relationships as falling into two groups. I call them cotton candy D/s and meat-and-potatoes D/s. My first D/s was cotton candy. It was sexy, happy fluff. It was exactly how I wanted to submit, and it was so easy to get lost in it. But it couldn’t sustain me. The thing about cotton candy is that it tastes great when you’re eating it, and 5 minutes later you’re starving again. 

Then there’s meat and potatoes. Meat and potatoes don’t bring the sugar rush that cotton candy does, but they sustain you so much longer. Meat-and-potatoes dynamics weave the power exchange into every part of the relationship. They are dynamics you can still feel when you’re doing the laundry or watching a movie together or focused at work. They do have candy. And holy wow, it is the best candy. But that’s not the core of it. 

Meat-and-potatoes dynamics are about fulfilling needs, not wants. They are about each partner taking seriously their responsibilities to one another and to the dynamic. Permission for an orgasm may be denied, not in favor of edging multiple times but in favor of completing an important work/school/home project. Instructions to wear nipple clamps under clothes are traded in for instructions to schedule that damn optometrist appointment OR ELSE. A ritual about being stripped and cuffed may not lead to face fucking and hard use, but to quiet snuggles at the end of a long day.   

When you build your dynamic on need fulfillment instead of wish fulfillment, it takes you down a much different path of communication. It guides Dominants to understand why their submissives make certain requests. It helps them find what their submissives genuinely need, not just what they say they need. And it helps submissives to anticipate their Dominants’ needs, even if that need is a night to themselves. These dynamics don’t rely on exciting sexual tasks to keep the ownership connection alive, because that connection flows through every interaction. Meat and potatoes may not have that jolt of excitement in every moment, but it leads to a power exchange that is much more sustainable and healthy. 

Priorities

The bond between Dominant and submissive creates a sense of loyalty and devotion that can overshadow everything else in life if we are not careful. It is not uncommon for both Dominants and submissives to display an attachment and devotion that can border on neediness. This connection is often precisely what we seek, but no relationship between any two people is an island, even a rock solid D/s one. Every one of us who comes into a D/s or M/s relationship brings with us a lifetime of connections to the vanilla world, and these connections are vital, important, and should be maintained and cultivated.

The problem arises for us in D/s when competing pressures and demands from the vanilla world creep in and cause seemingly conflicting priorities. Here a clear set of guiding principles between Dominant and submissive is crucial to the health and well being of the relationship and the individuals within it. A set of priorities should be established and communicated early on before conflicts arise so that all know how to behave and what to do if and when life pressures intrude.

As much as we as Dominants and submissives want to immerse ourselves in one another and our bond, there are times when that should or must take a back seat to other life priorities. The difficulty is that the intense sense of devotion, structure, and desire to please on the part of a submissive, or the dedication, control and desire to protect on the part of a Dominant can leave the partners feeling torn between what they want to do and what they should do. Both will feel they are abandoning or letting their D/s partner down if they have to pull away and attend to other life matters.

It is important in my view to establish clear guidelines for priorities in our D/s and particularly M/s relationships that we can fall back on and live by in times of conflict or stress. I for one have always held that my D/s relationship falls within the following priorities in order or importance:

** Children

** Immediate Family

** Spirituality/Health/Personal Welfare

** Profession/Education

** D/s Relationship

** Recreation/Socialization

** Everything Else

The order of these priorities can certainly be debated and changed to suit individuals and their relationships but it lays out an important set of principles and gives guidance to fall back on when the chips are down. In my opinion, care for one’s children or addressing a family emergency must always take precedence over the priorities of D/s interaction or associated tasks. So too does the personal emotional, spiritual and physical health of either partner. Yet in the absence of this explicit understanding between Dominant and submissive, stressful life circumstances can become crushing weights when one or the other feels torn between their D/s and vanilla allegiances, duties, and desires.

The primary role of a Dominant is to lead, and part of that leadership is to establish a sense of order and structure for a submissive (and themselves) and consistently live by it. A cornerstone of that sense of order is a clear and understandable set of priorities. A submissive should never be left adrift not knowing what to do, when to do it, or how. Establishing these overarching life priorities and living by them is key to the health of the D/s relationship. And it is most important that the Dominant be consistent in their application and not send mixed signals. Telling a submissive that family and job are higher priorities, then making them feel guilty for having lived by those priorities, will leave the submissive feeling intuitively confused and conflicted. This is not acceptable.

I strongly urge anyone involved in or contemplating a D/s or M/s relationship to address this matter of life priorities and how, when, and in what order they should be attended to. Put it in writing. Include it in your protocol manual. You do have one don’t you? If not, you should. Make sure that your D/s relationship, the depth of its bond, and the strength that a submissive seeks and relies upon in their Dominant, is supportive of these priorities and not additive to the stress, conflict, and sense of torn allegiances already inherent in external life events.

Support one another selflessly in and out of your power exchange roles. Doing so will serve to strengthen the D/s bond still further.

Originally posted on April 22, 2013

Caption © For The Love of a Submissive, 2013

HOLD HER…

When her body is limp and spent and all she can do is crawl… Scoop her up and HOLD HER close until her mind has been restored…

When she kneels before you of her own accord out of Love and adoration….HOLD HER close and cherish her for You are a treasure in her eyes..

When she’s needy and clingy and insecure and she grabs a hold of Your leg…Pick her up and HOLD HER and gently rock her in Your arms until every doubt has dissipated…

When she bows before You with tears in her eyes ashamed of what she’s done. Firmly Correct her with loving hands. Then wipe her tears and HOLD HER and tell her she’s still Your good girl

HOLD HIM….

When life gets tough and He’s lost His way…HOLD HIM until He’s strong again…

When He’s had a long day and He’s tired, weary and emotionally drained… Pour him a drink and take off his shoes, Then HOLD HIM and be His peace and His solid rock…

When he’s feeling insecure and unsure of himself…HOLD HIM close and stroke His hair whispering soothing words of reassurance…

When hes feeling defeated and overwhelmed Grab him and HOLD HIM tight…lift Him up with words of Love and devotion..

# s-howard #just my thoughts #my words.

Imagine that you have a goal of getting in shape. After trying different diets and exercise programs, you find that you keep straying from them and inevitably you find yourself back at square 1.

You want it to be different this time, so you finally take the plunge: you hire a personal trainer.

You tell your trainer “ok, I have a goal to be able to run the Boston marathon by next year.”

“Ok”, says your trainer, “how much time do you have every week to devote to this, and are there any types of exercise you are unwilling or unable to do?”

“Well, I have an hour a day on weekdays and can make 3 hours on Saturdays and Sundays, and I have some shoulder problems so I can’t do too much upper body work and I’m unwilling to do stairs because I want to keep my knees healthy”.

So your trainer, working within those limits, draws you up a diet and exercise program, says “this is what I need you to do at minimum, and we’re going to start here work our way up”.

You start your program, and your trainer keeps you accountable. When you slip, your trainer reminds you of your goals and tells you how to make up for the missed exercise or the extra calories.

Now, the most important part of all of this is that even though the personal trainer may be the one giving the orders, ultimately that trainer works for you, not the other way around. And if that trainer steps out of line, you take your business elsewhere. You hold ultimate power, even if it doesn’t look like it in the moment.

Congrats, anon. You just described a power exchange relationship in completely vanilla terms!

Hope this helps!

This was supposed to be up last thursday, but I could only do that now.

Well, this means that this week we’ll have two comics =D

We always talk about “signs of a terrible Dom” so let’s talk about some signs of an actually good Dom

They ask you about your day: They show compassion and actually want to listen about how your day went

They ALWAYS want to keep fields of communication open: Whether you’re in the middle of a kinky-as-fuck scene or you two are in a heated argument, the means of communication is ALWAYS open. Once you give your safe word, IT IS DONE

Aftercare is a top priority. No matter what this is for you in particular, they put a lot of emphasis on aftercare (cuddling, movie watching, bath time, etc.)

They aren’t afraid to scold you when you actually mess up. Sometimes we fuck up, both with our dynamics or we screwed up something at work or school. Doms will scold you, put also help cheer you up and might even offer ways to make it positive

Sex might be apart of the dynamic, but it’s not the focus. I get the fact some people get involved with other BDSM partners for the sole reason of sex, but outside of those VERY SPECIFIC DYNAMICS, sex is NOT the sole focus. It might be a fun “add on”, but it’s NOT the primary objective (penetrative sex or other forms of sex acts).

They are concerned for your safety, but don’t overdo it. They want you safe, but don’t take it to the paranoid level where they need to track every little thing you do.

They respect your privacy. EVERYONE has secrets (”skeletons in your closest”), even among romantic partners who have been partners for a long time, people have stuff they just don’t feel comfortable confessing every little thing in their life. A respectful Dom understands this and doesn’t need to go spying on you or attempt to invade your privacy (track internet history, track phone usage, track where you’ve been, etc.)

They trust you. A Dom who doesn’t trust you will purposely try to fuck up the relationship/dynamic, they will show severe jealousy, and other negative aspects. A Dom that trusts you will respect YOU as a person as well as you to keep your word on different things.

When disagreements happen, they use constructive language. There is not a healthy relationship on this earth that is 100% argument/disagreement free. However, whenever these do happen, it is NOT a “me against you” style argument (”I WON THE ARGUMENT”, none of that). It is done in a way with minimal accusatory/hurtful statements

Written by a friend of a friend whom shall remain nameless…

1) Do what you’re told. Not just when you want to, not just when it’s easy, but every single time. If you’ve suddenly decided you’re a free agent that’s a conversation for negotiation in whatever format that takes in your dynamic. Until then, less talking, more obeying.

2) Keep your commitments. If me/you/we have decided on a certain protocol you’re expected to follow through. Nothing sucks the magic out of a D/s interaction faster than when BOTH people let protocols lapse and drift by the wayside. If you act like a part-time sub expect to be treated like one.

3) Try to be just a little less self-centered. The journey of submission is all about YOU, I get it. Truthfully all of us Doms get it, but there is an illusion here that needs to be maintained, and when every check-in boils down to how things are going for you and you don’t bother to ask, “How are you, are you satisfied, are you getting what you need out of me, how can I improve our shared experience?” It makes you look kinda shallow.

4) Don’t compare yourself to other people. Whether you’re poly or monogamous, every time you look at another person and say: “I’ll bet he likes them more than me.” You’re essentially saying “I don’t trust you, I don’t trust us, I don’t really believe that you want me like you say you do.” We are with you for a reason. Not receiving the desire we feel for you is deeply insulting.

5) Sacrifice. This is the deeper side of D/s, it’s where the givers separate themselves from the users. There is nothing that builds a connection faster than doing something unpleasant, when you don’t want to, without being asked, without seeking praise. It’s also very easy to take for granted, which is why you should take your time and don’t give yourself to a Dom who’s a shithead.

6) Own your tantrums. You have feelings, deep intense feelings, if you didn’t you probably wouldn’t be a sub. I encourage you to learn to track when the kettle is about to boil so together we can point the steam in a safe direction. When you fuck up though, and I get a face full of hot water, and you say bad things, you need to accept that in the morning you’ll be held accountable for the things you said even if you didn’t really mean them. This can be a tough pill to swallow, which brings us to our next point:

7) Take it with grace. Ritual and submission are amazing tools to refocus the mind and de-escalate emotions, but the collar is not a magic ring, YOU make the magic. You make it by catching yourself, by breathing into your rituals, by transforming frustration and stress into submission and present moment awareness. Each repetition is a form of emotional alchemy much in the same way that CBT thought-stopping is, (that’s Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, not Cock and Ball Torture, you perverts).

8) Help us to evolve. I’m talking about recognizing that every human being is a little bit lost in their own way, and the difference is that Doms don’t have someone constantly fixating on how to guide us into being better versions of ourselves. Deftly guiding power figures in the directions they need to go is the forte’ of the masterful submissive, and the difference between that and manipulation is that you always have the person’s own interests at heart, even when they conflict with your own. It’s easy to love a Dom as an archetype or a caricature, but to evaluate a whole human being, and desire to kneel for them anyways is the deepest expression of love. You and I may have different toolboxes, but we are building the same house.

9) Stick around. Fact is, most subs vanish as soon as the honeymoon wears off. This phenomenon of women who beg for submission then pull the ripcord at 3-7 months once it’s no longer all about them makes Doms cynical, hard, and reluctant to engage, and further shrinks the pool of the few decent guys who can do this stuff well. I think a lot of this stems from the idea that Dominance is something that’s being done to you, and not with you. If you empower yourself as a co-creator of the dynamic, you’ll be able to make it last longer. I think it might also stem from the fact that a good chunk of lifestylers (both Dom and sub) are emotionally broken jackasses. Sorry, I’m a dick.

10) Cut us some ‘effin slack for god sakes. Being a Dom is a LOT of work, it requires time, focus, and a wide open emotional bandwidth. It takes discipline to hold your ground when things are difficult, knowing that if you repair them with vanilla ‘bargaining’ tactics you will also dissolve the dynamic in the process. As a sub starts to see you as more human, it gets harder. When she/he gets to the “resistance” stage of the relationship, it gets harder. As real life starts to throw you curve balls, it gets harder. Aside from the emotional aspect of things, what it takes to keep things fresh and interesting is an aspect that is hard to appreciate until you’re the one in charge. The thing they don’t tell you about being a Dom is that even if you have the gravitas to make a girl melt, if you don’t have the creativity to constantly invent and reinvent new twists on a very old theme, you’re just a tall dark stranger standing there with your dick in your hand. Sometimes I think this is why geeks end up being better Doms than their smokey eyed, jack-booted, ‘true dom’ counterparts.