& GOODBYE / APATHY

i return

          ‘   always fun to see others fail where you excel !   ’   a giddy expression, brought forth by a   zing !   of interest.   ‘   h-hand me a controller, would you? not sure the others would like me to walk across the screen, y’know.   ’   lips stay sealed             a gate to be found later as if a new level to be unlocked !             to prevent an embarrassed sigh.   ‘   best two out of three ?   ’

           back leans against chair, jacket near stifling as it hangs from too - thin shoulders. head leans back, robin’s nest of hair bouncing slightly with the momentum               life given to something normally dull   /   dead   /   devoid.   ‘   wouldn’t have taken you for a quiet one.   ’   a thoughtful hum, lashes bent and lids heavy.   ‘   you’re always on one speel or another. like me ! but, alas, infinitely more interesting than my regretful and reproachful topics.   ’

           ‘   oh, so you’re the guy i’ve heard so much about.   ’   a tilt of head, thoughtful while lips part on an uproar of condescension   /   ‘   such a shame. i expected more from someone known for being a gang leader. ever commit a murder ? oh ! wait, don’t tell me               you’re too good for that kind of stuff, huh? always number one, never stooping to the    “   lowly levels   ”   of us scum. hmm. and here i thought you’d be interesting.                      //   what a waste !   ’

          ‘   isn’t it wonderful ?   ’   a quiet sigh, dramatic as vocal chords sing sweetly   /   sickly.   ‘   i wish we could do this all the time. so exciting to see everyone at their wits end !   ’

          ‘   wh        what’s all this ?   ’   an innocent smile, grey’d eyes widened and speared by the occasional   blink !   lashes a tenebrosity of an overcast against softened lids.  ‘   seems to me someone’s trying to    “  act tall   ”    hmm ? a pity, really. not sure even the biggest of hopes could add to your height, i’m afraid.   ’

         ‘   oh ! haha. guess i didn’t see you there, huh?   ’    soft words crest like velvet, rich and distinctly transparent   ;   honesty laced between each vowel. an embarrassed tilt of head, stormy gaze contradicting the flush seeping pallid skin.   ‘   that’s what happens, i suppose. just my luck                ’   

                           as an add-on to my last post, because my thoughts are scrambled, bipolar symptoms can be brought on by dementia. especially in komaeda’s case, as he has behavioural variant issues. so, in this case, his long-term dementia has caused him to exhibit bipolar symptoms consisting of manic   /   depressive episodes that, unfortunately, are heightened due to the various mental illnesses.  my mother, for example, who suffers from dementia holds no flaw to her reasoning. as in, she believes herself right no matter what. she does not believe in death, nor does she want to. she fights everyone about anything, and when told to do something for her better health, will ignore it if deemed wrong          or rather, because of her disconnect, if she was told off for being wrong and her mind determines she doesn’t want to acknowledge it. my mother also experiences shifts in behaviour and mood, as seen by her aggressive and near sadistic tendencies towards myself and my father, both of whom are caregivers. however, she never once feels remorse for it, often asking why people hate her   /   avoid her   /   refuse to speak to her. again, this relates to how she doesn’t see herself as in the wrong. komaeda, however, has extreme and excessive depressive episodes alongside frantic manic ones. this is evidently seen through his blatant self hate   /   disrespect   /   and suicidal tendencies. these key identifiers with bipolar disorder are brought upon by his dementia, therefore granting him a secondary diagnosis of bipolar disorder. anyway i love my son and just wanted to explain

               i think it’s because of my own experiences with death that i understand komaeda so well. we’ve both lost many people close to us, mainly unexpectedly, and have both been known to hope beyond all doubt, only for said hope to fall crushed at our feet. komaeda is the type of man i would be if i continued to force my old   ‘   forced optimism   ’   onto myself. you know, where it gets a to a point where you believe yourself to be happy, while also knowing you’re miserable            a cohabitation often seen in those suffering with mental illness. just sitting here thinking about komaeda and i’s shared outlook and experiences makes me question whether he would share my own diagnosis of bipolar as well, as he exhibits certain nuisances i would attribute to my own illness. yet i could also call it internalised coping                    self-sabotage, deprecation, and   ‘   jokingly-made   ’   suicidal tendencies   /   jokes themselves all come from the same branch of mechanism. i know komaeda canonly suffers from dementia, something i’ve seen in my own mother this last year. and while that diagnosis is canon, i see only two or three characteristics of dementia he shares with my mother. obviously, not all cases are the exact same, but it makes me slightly uncomfortable to think his actions are chalked up to dementia alone.  he may be a sickened young man, but komaeda isn’t driven by a disease like dementia. this is where i’m going canon-divergent, i suppose, and giving komaeda the diagnosis of bipolar disorder, like i myself struggle with. i’m not erasing the dementia, but as someone who’s dealt with a mother with the same illness, it doesn’t seem to fit the bill entirely                 besides non-sociably accepted behaviour   /   lack of self care, as those are both evident in my mother and komaeda’s case.

starter call !