The Online Dating Gospel

You have too many options. 

Yes, you read that correctly. You might be wondering how that’s even possible. Let me explain.

A wise woman once said, “don’t put all of your eggs in one bastard.” Regarding the early stages of dating I completely agree with her. There can be something fulfilling about exploring your options, learning what works for you in a relationship and what gets on your last nerve. Take your time. Enjoy dating. I highly recommend it. 

Get out there and have some free meals! Experience some super awkward first dates and enjoy some surprisingly good ones. You deserve it. Just know that when you’re ready for something of substance it’s time to slow down and focus on quality versus quantity. People can tell when you’re half-assing a relationship with them.

 When you’re constantly dating multiple people the people you are dating will know that you are not fully investing in them. Why would anyone want to fully invest in the next step with you when you’re only giving them a sample? Sometimes you just can’t do two things at once; no matter how well you think you can juggle.

Have you ever been to a theme park and tried to ride two rides at the same time? Hell no you haven’t because a.) that would be crazy and b.) you probably wouldn’t be alive to read this right now if you had actually succeeded. Do you know why you can’t ride two rides at once? Besides the fact that there are probably two different height requirements, you can’t ride two rides simultaneously because each ride is different. They each are intended for different age groups, they have different levels of risk, and they are all going at very different speeds. 

The same can be said for dating and serious relationships. They both have their pro’s and con’s but they provide different experiences. Dating is like taking a ride on the Tea Cups at Disney World. It’s fun, exciting at first, and a great introduction to the potentially more exciting rides in your future. With that said, no one goes on the Tea Cups looking for the same thrill they get from the Magic Mountain ride. Why? Because they are on two completely different levels! A serious relationship is like Magic Mountain, there is a higher risk but it can yield a greater reward.

Personally I wish someone had explained this to me sooner. If they had I probably wouldn’t have had so many free meals but I also wouldn’t have half-ass invested in so many relationships and all together would have saved myself some heartache. It literally took a force of nature to make it clear to me.

I was visiting my family in Kansas City for the holidays but I already had my return flight booked back to New York. My trip was going to be a short one because I had a meeting in New York that Friday that I just couldn’t miss. The weather was nearly perfect all week but when Thursday came around things took a turn for the worst. A huge snowstorm came and forced hundreds of cancellations across every major airline. That important meeting I had on Friday? Yeah, it was looking like I wasn’t going to make it. I called into the airline to see if there were any other flights I could take. The only option they gave me was to book a new flight for the following day.

 Like a mouse searching for cheese, I began to look over every airline sight for the first/best flight out of Kansas City. Within the first five minutes of my search I found a great flight. Not only was it non-stop but I’d get into the city at a reasonable hour. The flight was great but it wasn’t perfect. I felt I could do better. I kept searching every other airline. I even called a few (that’s when you know I was desperate). Finally, after spending the better part of a day finding flights from Kansas City to New York I decided that the flight I had originally bookmarked earlier in the day was just the flight I needed. With a smile on my face and a little peace of mind I went back to that original site to book the flight. 

Unfortunately, that flight was no longer available. “What?! You’re kidding right?”, I thought to myself. That flight was just what I needed. It wasn’t perfect but it was perfect for me. By taking my time and juggling my options, I missed out on what I really wanted. Then it hit me. The same can be said for our relationships. No partner is ever going to be perfect. If you keep juggling your options and holding out for that “perfect” person you’re going to miss the great person that’s just right for you. 

By the time you realize that they are the one you want, they will be gone. Someone else who saw their value from the very beginning will gladly take them off the market. Is that what you want?

For the lovers who’ve been in it for a minute:

Book a couples massage. Being in a healthy long-term relationship takes work. You both deserve a reward. Find a spa with couples packages or Valentine’s Day deals. If you’re feeling extra frisky ask them if they have a teaching option where you and your partner practice massage techniques on each other while being led by an instructor. Nothing gets the mood going like soft lighting and sensual touch.

Enjoy dinner and a movie in bed. Crowded restaurants and movie theater lines don’t exactly scream ‘romance’. No one said you have to leave the house for it to count as a date. Why not bring the fun home with dinner and a movie in bed? Order from your favorite restaurant, pick a couple movies, and put on some hot pajamas (just because you’re staying home doesn’t mean you get a free pass to look crazy). With any luck you’ll be making-out before the first movie ends.

For the new kids on the block:

Cook dinner together. The best way to determine if someone has potential to be a long-term partner is assessing how you work together as a team. Cooking together is a sexy and playful way to arouse your senses while challenging your compatibility. You don’t have to be Gordon Ramsey or Rachael Ray to pull this off, all you need is a good recipe and the ability to follow instructions. Turn on some good music and enjoy a glass of wine for the perfect romantic evening.

Sign up for a dance class. Valentine’s Day can be a little awkward when you’re spending it with someone new. Doing a fun and engaging activity is a great way to ease the pressure. Dance classes, cooking classes, and painting classes are available in most cities. This type of date is great because it provides a solid atmosphere for building a connection and a creative way to show you’re genuinely interested in getting to know your date. If Cupid were handing out brownie points for thoughtfulness, you’d be sure to score one with this.

For those happily in a relationship with their own damn selves:

Take a quick getaway. It’s not every year that Valentine’s Day falls on a long weekend. Don’t waste it. Go somewhere! Look for last minute travel deals or just hop in the car for a mini-road trip. If you have single friends you can invite them too. A weekend away can be a fun little adventure and particularly refreshing this time of year. Besides have you ever heard of travel romances? You never know who you’ll meet while you’re away.

Go to the spa. The most important relationship that you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself. So it’s important that you ‘treat yo self’! Call up the spa and book a full service session or stop by your neighborhood salon and get the works. The myth that singles should sit home and stuff their face with chocolate on Valentine’s Day simply isn't true. You’ve had a life-long relationship with yourself so go ahead and celebrate!

Whether you’re single, ready to mingle, or happily married you have options. However, those options aren’t going to last forever so you better get to planning!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

That was a couple of years ago. Now I’m happily engaged to a wonderful man who I met on a dating app. I made it through the murky waters of online dating and have reached my goal of finding true love. Although I appreciate my online dating journey, I’ll be honest with you: there were times that it was very disappointing. It’s easy to get overwhelmed and discouraged by the many apps, the swiping, and what seems to be a lack of genuine connection. But having been through all of that and more I’m here to tell you what I wish someone would have told me: you can find love online. You CAN meet the man of your dreams. You can have the relationship you want from a dating app but you MUST have a strategy.  Using information from academic studies on dating, my own personal experiences, and stories shared with me by clients and women on my tv show I’ve developed a game plan for your love life that will help you get the most out of your dating profile. Here are the first 3 steps:

Step 1. Identify your dream guy. This step is crucial to online dating because you can’t move forward in your love life if you don’t have a clear idea of where you want to go.  What does your dream guy look like? What is his occupation? What are his hobbies? Does he have kids? The more detailed you are, the better. Now please understand that no guy is going to have 100% of the things you write in this description. If you write that your dream guy is named Tom and you happen to meet a great guy names James don’t rule him out. This description is just part of  the foundation for step 3.

Step 2. Identify your own best qualities. What do you like most about yourself? What about you makes you a good partner? Do you have a hidden talent? Do you have a creative side? Think about the qualities you can bring to a relationship. Sometimes we get so caught up in finding the perfect partner to give us what we want, we forget that we have to bring something to the table, too! Write down a list of the things you like about yourself. If you get stuck you can ask close friends and family to help. While you probably won’t use everything you write on the list for your profile, go ahead and keep the list anyway. It’ll be good to have on hand in the event that one day you forget just how awesome you are and you need a little reminder.

Step 3. Put 1 & 2 together. Anyone in marketing, sales, or media will tell you that the first step to being successful is knowing your audience and then marketing your product with them in mind. Translation: create a profile that highlights your best qualities (aka product) with your audience (aka dream guy) in mind. The hardest lesson for people to learn when it comes to dating apps is that you can’t be everything to everyone. I know there are a million guys online and they’re not all going to like you. That’s okay. That’s great actually, because dating a million people would be exhausting! The athlete will have different interests than a stockbroker who will have different interests than an artist. All of those are great options but creating a profile to capture the attention of all three of those personality types would send mixed messages and would end up ultimately leaving you with fewer options. Pick three qualities about yourself that you think your dream guy would appreciate and create your profile around that.