silent in the trees.

“cathy was the first woman with whom i fell in love. every crush, every close friendship, every momentary rush of desire or fear that came before or after was made understandable by what i felt for her. simply because nothing else was as intense and overpowering. lying in her arms, i felt crazy. and willingly so. eager to give my life to make her happy. to suffer if suffering would ease her misery. to shame myself or look silly if that would make her smile. breathing in the aura of her, that salty, smoky taste of soapy skin and bitter cigarettes made my heart swell and tightened my throat until it ached. dreaming about her woke me up.”

My voice sounded distant. I hadn’t made the active choice to lie. It was just habit. Easier than telling the truth. The lies let me stay numb.

I’d never been in Cass’s house alone. It had an antiseptic quality to it. Even the decorations seemed utilitarian, there to create a certain image. Cass had decided who she wanted to be and constructed her life around it. The single mom, successful business owner. She’d clawed her way to normalcy. I could understand why she hadn’t wanted Liv to disrupt it.

There was a fist around my throat as we cut our way through the dismal strip of downtown. Liv was dead. She’d killed herself, but we’d killed her, too. We hadn’t listened to her. We’d wrapped our hands around our secrets like barbed wire, even when they cut into us. Even when there was no goddamn reason not to let go. I was still holding on.

The promise was a private thing. Cass had always been the together one. We were her beloved disasters, but there were things she didn’t understand. “We have this thing,” I explained reluctantly. “I tell her that I’ll be here tomorrow, and she says she will, too. When we’re having a hard time. It’s a promise. To at least make it one more day.”

I remember, the bed was made. I remember thinking how neat everything looked.