i found some letters i wrote to my younger self. one from 22 year old me to 19 year old me, and one from 23 year old me to 22 year old me. i decided to continue the tradition so here they are:
August 13, 2013
Dear Devyn,
I happened to look back and notice that today you went to SF with Ravee, Carolyn, and baby Sammy. It's 2010, you're just beginning your second year of college, and you have a lot ahead of you. I'm glad you liked Japantown, and daiso, and that giant stuffed totoro... Just so you know, you still like Japantown, and daiso, and any sort of totoro. Yeah kid, I gotta hand it to you, you've been pretty consistent as far as interests go. Take it easy on all the spam and the hi chew and the boba... Haha! I wish, I wish I could really speak to you kid, I know you're feeling really grown up, but in three years you're gonna look back and realize how much you've grown since today. There's gonna be situations that happen with the people you're the closest to now that are gonna change you. I wish I could warn you, to tell you to not get hurt, to protect your heart, to not get bitter. You trust so easily kid, you fall so fast... Please, be careful with your heart. Even your best friends are gonna fail you and make you feel like you're the worst person in the world. And you're gonna fail them too, you're gonna make some big mistakes, Dev. But it's ok because life goes on and you'll always have the opportunity to grow from painful situations. No matter how hard it gets, don't give up... Just stay focused on Jesus, even when everything else is trying to catch your eye. Love yourself more, it will help you to love others better too. Love, Devyn
July 9, 2014
Dear Devyn,
It hasn't even been a year since you wrote that letter to 19 year old us, so here's a letter from 23 year old us to 22 year old us haha... you forget your own advice so quickly. But you know what, you'll always make mistakes and you'll never completely understand everything. Don't use this as an excuse to backslide ok? Pursue God and your healing like you're getting paid for it. My goodness, girl... Just stay focused on Jesus! That pain you feel now, it'll fade. You may feel numb to it, but God is gonna heal your heart and restore things to better than they ever were. Also, don't be discouraged by mistakes, just freakin learn from them. And don't repeat them! Ugh, if only you could hear this. You have so much potential, just walk in it!! Walk in the gifts God has given you, live a life worthy of the calling He's placed on you. Although I really believe that the mistakes we made this past year helped to push us to grow more. Lol, it's funny to look back and feel like, "wow, I thought I was grown then", but really so much has changed in the past 11 months. Those same things that tore you down, will build you back up, it's a process... Just hold on. And I'm sure that I'll look back and laugh at how mature I thought I was today. Anyway, be good to yourself, and those around you. Don't neglect friendships, and stay fixed on Jesus. And future self, I'm gonna try my best to really stay focused. I pray that when you read this, you'll be proud of me. I pray I will be walking out what I know is inside of you, of me. I pray for you, future self, that you are encouraged and are pushing forward. Stop boxing the air if you are, run to that goal, woman! Purpose in every step! Love, Devyn
August 30, 2021
Dear Devyn,
it’s been 11 years since you went to japantown with ravee, carolyn, and sammy. ravee and carolyn are both married and have kids of their own. and you… well, you still like totoro. actually, you finally got that totoro tattoo, and 4 other tattoos. oh and you finally have a cat, her name is ghibli. yeah, sorry to break it to you but your personality has been pretty consistent for the past decade. i suppose you’ll probably be kind of relieved tho. in the seven years since i last wrote, a lot has happened. where should we start? you graduated college! you actually did it, kid. and you moved to the philippines for two years and made friends there who are closer than family. dev, i’m proud of you… you’ve grown so much and have learned how to fight for yourself. you’ve been working for a non-profit in SF for almost four years, and you can speak tagalog pretty comfortably. oh, you may want to sit down for this, but you finally came out. and the world didn’t implode. no one hates you (at least not anyone important) and the friends who matter stuck around. actually, quite a few of your close friends are out too! but i won’t spoil the surprise. don’t worry, you still love jesus, and you’re learning how to decolonize and deconstruct christianity to get to what’s important instead of just the message of the american church. you have a big heart for people and you’ve learned to trust your gut more. you’ve had big ups and downs, but you’ve survived. you fell in love- head over heels- would do anything for this girl. you put her first in your heart and did whatever you could to make her happy and feel loved. you weren’t enough to keep her happy, but that speaks more about her than it does about you. you tried your best and were determined to not give up on you guys, even if it killed you, which it almost did. you went as far to marry her, and now you’re in the process of getting divorced but you’re ok. but i’m happy to say that you survived your first real heartbreak and you came out so much stronger. i know sometimes it feels like you’re gonna break, and unfortunately it gets harder the older you get, but you’ve been fortunate to have access to mental health resources like therapy. you prioritize your health now and are learning how to take care of yourself mind, body, and soul. you’re learning to love again and how to let your walls down to let someone else love you again. you’ve learned that happiness is best found in the present instead of in the past or future. there’s so much that life has for you, just hold on. you’ll repeat the same mistakes you’ve always told yourself to not repeat, but you won’t beat yourself up for them anymore, you’ve learned how to learn from them. i love you, dev. and i’m proud of you. it’s ok to feel discouraged, hurt, angry… feel those emotions but don’t let them control you. let them come and go and remember that there are always blue skies above the clouds. keep dreaming big. don’t ever stop dreaming big. and don’t let anything or anyone stop you. Love, Devyn.
