tsukki's #1 fan

hi, i'm chris. she/her. 24. i apparently write for haikyuu now.

— because i am an adult and write adult content at times, please do not read my nsfw content if you are under 18.

— you can read what i've written so far.

— i don't take requests unless there's an event happening.

— i'm also an 'Adult' with a life, so i may disappear for various periods of times.

enjoy your stay.

His voice was bitter as you wrapped your scarf closer around the lower half of your face, trying to keep warm under the moonlight and dim street lamp.

"...yeah," you whispered into the wool fabric, looking down at Tsukishima's shoes and avoiding his sharp gaze.

"At least look at me while breaking up with me."

He had every right time be hurt. You knew that.

Almost stiffly, you finally lifted your head to look into his eyes, and the sight almost crumbled your resolve.

Hurt. Betrayal. Confusion. Emotions he typically would try to hide were more evident than ever in his eyes.

"Are you serious?" His tone was cold, yet a silent rage burned in his low voice. "After everything, this is it?"

"I've already explained to you why, Kei--"

"I don't care, it's a bullshit reason!"

"So not caring about my feelings is a bullshit reason?" You finally snapped at him.

Tsukishima went silent. After a second, he clicked his tongue and looked off to the side.

"I told you, Kei, multiple times before we even got to this point," you continued to hiss, rage burning in your eyes as you glared up at him. "You've been WAY too comfortable with your insults lately. You called me lazy and worthless the other day, do you know how that feels?"

His shoulders visibly slumped as he finally processed your words. The regret hit him instantly and he pinched the bridge of his nose, pushing his glasses up.

"...I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean it." He whispered quietly, a subtle tremor in his voice.

"I can only take so much, do you understand?"

You wanted to bury your face into your palms and cry, but the last thing you wanted to do was show Tsukishima that he could draw that kind of reaction from you. So instead, you focused on your anger. You glared at him, scowled, yelled, but you didn't cry.

"Baby," His voice was practically laced with desperation now, the term of endearment uttered in a weak plea.

"Don't call me that," you responded quickly, refusing to look into his eyes. Your voice lacked the edge you hoped for.

You hated when he used those petnames with you when you were upset with him. He knew how quickly you would fold for him. But not this time.

"We're over. I'm breaking up with you."

You looked into his eyes this time, and you watched as a dark scowl took over his usual calm expression. You saw the pain and betrayal in his eyes, quickly hidden behind the rage he constantly used as his defense mechanism.

And you braced yourself for what you knew was about to come, shoulders tensing and shrinking into yourself.

"Fuck it, see if I care," He snarled, "I don't give a fuck anymore, I'll be so much better off without you. You were just dead weight to me anyway."

Your heart ached in your chest, and you glared up at your ex boyfriend with tears in your eyes.

"...fuck off, Kei."

Something like regret flashed across his face at the sight of your tears, but you've turned away and stalked off before either of you could acknowledge it.

"Wait, baby--"

The door slammed shut behind you, and Tsukishima was left rooted to the floor in his now too empty apartment.

anyway, i hope you are doing well! <3 what have you been up to these days?

awww hello hello !! this is so sweet, thank u 🩷 i haven't written long fics in a while, so ty for still continuing to read my stuff even though it's in a shorter format now 🥹 "today, then tomorrow" is one of my faves, written when I was at my peak self indulgent writer era LMAO

It’s more of a feeling, than anything. It’s the way your heart races when you listen to his effortless laughter. It’s the butterflies in the stomach at the way he wears his smirk like it’s only natural he looks that good. It’s the warmth when you’re watching the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles.

But beauty is meant to be admired, appreciated, not defiled. So you learned to revel in his beauty from a safe distance. 

You watched him laugh at their playful joke. You watched him smirk and ruffle their hair. You watched him smile that beautiful smile of his, with a look in his eyes filled with so much love and adoration as he looked down at them.

But today was his birthday and Yamaguchi planned a whole night out at the bar with his old teammates from high school, so they all insisted he had to drink.

Which was how you ended up here, Tsukishima's head lolled backwards against the back of the booth while you ran to the bar to get another glass of water.

"You know he's a lightweight," you cursed at Yamaguchi who grinned innocently while ordering another drink.

The bartender slid over the glass of water, and you hurried back over to your boyfriend who might as well be asleep at this point.

"Kei," you called his name gently over the loud music, and Tsukishima lifted his head up in response, eyes still closed and glasses sitting at the table in front of him. His cheeks were flushed a bright red and he took his hoodie off earlier while whining about the heat from the alcohol, so he was only wearing a loose tshirt.

"Drink this," you held the glass of water out for him, but his hand lifted up like a weak weed in the wind.

He was not going to be able to hold that full glass of water himself.

Without thinking, you tucked your free hand under his chin and tilted it up towards you. His body was limp and pliant from the alcohol, so there was barely any resistance from him. His eyes finally fluttered open, half lidded and staring up at you. You guided the glass to his lips, holding his chin in place to make sure he didn't fall over.

Your boyfriend drank the water in slow gulps, his hazel eyes locked with yours the entire time. Your heart began to race faster in your chest, unable to tear your gaze away from Tsukishima's half lidded eyes, unobscured by his usual glasses. Time seemed to slow down, and the loud music faded into the background.

Eventually, he managed to finish the entire glass, and you gently pat his cheek. He leaned into your touch for a brief second, before his head returned to its original position laying against the back of the booth.

You're left standing in front of him, heart racing, with his friends cackling drunkenly around you.

— synopsis: tsukishima kei can't help that he enjoys reaping the benefits of your recent break up. he'll be whatever you need him to be, as long as it means he can pretend to be yours.

— genre: angst, hurt/comfort(?), pining tsukki, slightly emotionally stunted y/n, written from tsukki's pov, lots of emotions and tsukki being in his head

— word count: 2.9k

When he opened his front door, you were already crying.

Instinctively, he opened his arms for you and you dove straight into them with no hesitation. His palms gently ran over your back as you bawled against him, wet tears staining his shirt.

“I-I--I really--”

You could barely even get two words out before another sob ripped its way from your throat.

“It's alright.”

And it truly was. It was alright that you came to his apartment in the middle of the night. It was alright that this was the third time this week you’ve done this even though it was only Thursday. It was better that you were heartbroken. That way, Tsukishima had an excuse and the guilt of taking advantage of your vulnerability ate away at him less. Because you were using him too.

The two of you had this routine ever since your last relationship ended a little over a month ago. You'd run to him when you couldn't handle crying alone anymore, and he'd welcome you into his home and his space with open arms. He spent long nights holding you while you sobbed into his chest, his arms around your shaking form as if he could protect you from the feeling of heartbreak.

Maybe he didn't warn you enough back then. Maybe he should have insisted you listen to his advice more. Maybe he failed to protect you before you got your heart broken, so the least he could do was offer a distraction. 

Which is why you melted into him the first time he kissed you. Your sobs ceased, and you indulged in the feeling of his slender fingers gliding across your skin as he tried to soothe you in a way he couldn't through words. Each kiss and each lingering touch made your loneliness fade away. At least for the night.

He was more than happy to offer another kiss, another hug, and another night in his bed if it meant you would feel better. Even if it was just for a night.

“You'll be alright,” he whispered gently to soothe you. But your tears wouldn't stop. In fact, you could probably barely even register his words over your choked sobs. Your last relationship shattered your heart, and he was suddenly given the responsibility to pick up the pieces. 

His generosity had less to do with the fact that he was your ‘friend’, and more to do with the fact that he had been suppressing his feelings for you for years now. Now, he could finally let himself understand what it would be like to be yours.

Deep down in his heart, he knew you were far from emotionally ready to think about love again. Not when you were so freshly heartbroken. But he was addicted to the way you clung to him like he was your lifeline, keeping you grounded on earth. 

Tsukishima Kei couldn't help but enjoy the benefits that came with being your rebound. 

Sometimes, he would wait for your ubers with you when the both of you had one too many drinks with your friends. Once said uber arrived, he'd casually open the door for you as if it were natural and ask you to text him once you got home.

Other times, he would lean over and ask if you were still having a good time when you got particularly quiet even when everyone else was still just as rambunctious as usual.

But he never crossed a line. He never really touched you unless it was a friendly greeting or goodbye hug. And he never once showed you more or less attention than anyone else in your mutual friend group.

So you shoved this little crush down to the deepest recesses of your heart and suppressed it each time it desperately tried to crawl it's way back up.

And everytime Kuroo showed you even the smallest sign of affection or consideration, you protected your heart by constantly telling yourself you were delusional, and risking a good friendship for these feelings would just be pointless.

So how did you end up here? Drunk crying in front of him after the rest of your friends have already left the bar?

"I like him a lot," you slurred your words. Kuroo sat next to you, his cheek rested against his palm with his elbow propped up against the bar. If you weren't so inebriated, you'd notice how painfully sober he looked.

"Oh really?"

He sounded amused, cat like eyes observing you. You had your face buried in your hands, your practically fully hunched over the bar.

"Mmm...but I really can't tell if I mean anything to him," you groaned into your palms before resting them flat against the bar. Your head lolled back as you leaned backwards, closing your eyes.

Kuroo's arm extended out quickly to stretch across your lower back, catching you before you fell off your barstool. You leaned against his arm, allowing him to hold your weight, and giggled quietly.

"Hey--"

"Do you think I should tell him?"

You turned to him, hand coming up to rest boldly on his knee--more in an attempt to steady yourself rather than to flirt. Your eyes were half lidded, wet tears stuck to your lashes. He resisted the urge to grab a napkin to wipe them away.

"I think--"

"No," you placed your index finger over his lips before he could speak any further, but you barely registered the shock on his face and the pink warming his cheeks. "You're right, I should just keep it to myself."

He swatted your hand away despite your whine.

"I think you should just tell him tomorrow. If you're crying this much over it now, it's clearly weighing on you. Might as well rip the bandaid off."

"Stop being sensible," you grumbled, eyes practically closed at this point. "You're always sensible."

"If I was as sensible as you say, I would've made you leave with everyone else," he mused.

"Oh, so I'm special to you?" you giggled and reached forward to cup his cheeks. Kuroo's eyes widened, lips parting to speak, but you cut him off before he could say anything in protest. "Then, lemme say this..."

Your thumbs brushed over his warm cheeks, and your lips curved up into a dopey, drunk grin.

"I like you, Tetsurou."

There was a beat of silence as his dark eyes scanned over your expression. Your half lidded eyes, cheeks red from your tears earlier, your swollen lips pulled up into that silly grin.

"...I know," he whispered, fingers reaching up to rest over your own, still holding his face. "Can you tell me again when you're sober?"

"No," you pulled your hands away so you could wag your index finger in his face. The motion made him lean back in his stool just slightly. "I don't wanna, m'gonna forget about all this anyway--"

Kuroo took your hand into his own, gently brushing his lips over your knuckles. The movement was small and filled with affection. If you had drank any less than what you did, it may have sobered you up instantly.

"I'll call you tomorrow morning, and you're going to tell me again. I won't let you forget."

His fingers laced with your own, and you hummed quietly, as if contemplating the idea.

"...m'kay."

last updated: nov. 16th, 2024.

[all characters are aged up to be 18+, and reader is gender neutral unless stated otherwise]

full fics masterlist here

a = angst f = fluff

✧ tsukishima kei ✧

"i swear if you say another word, i'll leave" (a)

"apparently all our friends have a bet going that we end up together" (f)

"we're not friends and you fucking know it" (a)

"i fucking love you" "hang up and tell me this when you're sober" (a/f)

“i wanted to say “i love you” for the first time without stuttering, but that failed.” (a/f)

"i went on a date today" (a/f)

standing alone at a bar is the worst feeling (f)

tsukishima kei is your sun (f)

the feeling of heartbreak is hard to put into words (a)

tsukishima kei never drank because he was a lightweight (f)

there’s something beautiful about tsukishima kei that can't necessarily be described with words (a)

✧ kuroo tetsurou ✧

it was the small things kuroo tetsurou did for you (f)

✧ kageyama tobio ✧

"if i asked you to stay, would you?" (a/f)

✧ sakusa kiyoomi ✧

“i would give up everything for the chance to see your laugh again.” (a/f)

✧ oikawa tooru ✧

“did you at least think of me, when you were having sex with them?” (a)

✧ suna rintarou ✧

There was quiet shuffling on the other line.

“...why’re you telling me?”

You weren't too sure why. Maybe it was because the man that you went on a date with made you feel small, or maybe it was the way he only cared to get to know you on a vague surface level.

Or maybe it was because when you left the date, you couldn't help but remember the way Tsukishima Kei made you feel when he still loved you.

You decided to settle on, “I don't know.”

And your ex boyfriend practically laughed on the other side of the phone.

“You broke up with me,” his tone is harsh, like he’s purposely trying to hurt you. “You can't just call me whenever you want.”

“Then why did you pick up?”

More silence. The two of you sat in it. The only sound you could hear was the muffled noise of his TV in the background, left in the apartment the two of you used to share before you packed your things and left him.

Left the memories of the two of you behind in a place you used to call home because you couldn't take it anymore.

“You know why.”

He sounded more vulnerable now, the lightest inflection in his voice.

He never did want the breakup. You insisted on it. You thought he would've blocked your number, but seems like the two of you were still on the same page despite all that happened between you.

“Do you love me?” you asked him, a hint of desperation in your question.

“You can't ask me that now.”

“But I love you.”

You blurted it out before you could regret it. Your voice shook, free hand coming up to your face to scrub at it to try and hide the tears dripping down your cheeks.

“I still love you. But I needed to leave you,” you started to ramble, not waiting for his response. “These past six months I thought I was finally doing fine without you. I could smile again, I found myself again, Kei. I learned what type of person I could be without you--”

“So what changed?” He snapped. “Why did you call me in the middle of the night? To brag that you're doing so much better than me?”

The hurt in his voice was palpable, and your heart throbbed in your chest.

“No,” you whispered, “Because I remembered that we used to be happy.”

You heard him inhale sharply as you wiped your tears.

You used to be happy. Tsukishima Kei used to make you happy.

“...I ruined it, though.”

You could picture him on the other side of the line. He was pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration, trying to suppress whatever emotions were coming up. Because Tsukishima hated emotions, and hated dealing with them.

“You did,” you agreed with him with a watery smile, “We both did.”

“I'm sorry.”

If he had said that seven months ago, you would've celebrated. An apology from Tsukishima is like an award.

But as much as you wanted to, as much as the thought of being with someone other than him terrified you, you weren't ready to let him back in.

Your silence was too much for him, so he shakily whispered, “I miss you."

You put him out of his misery with a quiet, “I know.”

You remembered his laughter when he'd tease you and you'd pout. You remembered how his eyes sparkled when looking at you. How his kisses felt like bright sunshine on a winter afternoon.

“What can I do?” He practically pleaded, at the end of his rope.

You remembered screaming, crying, pictures ripped up and broken photo frames. You remembered the anger in his eyes, blazing and unrecognizable. How each of his words and insults tightened the vice around your glass heart, until it shattered to pieces at your feet.

So you did the only thing you knew how to do, and you broke his heart too.

And just as you thought you were ready to move on from him, memories of him came crashing back like a tidal wave.

“I don't know, Kei,” your free hand covered your eyes, swollen from tears. The aching of your heart was almost too much to bear.

“Let me make it up to you,” he spoke quickly, feeling you slipping away from him again. “Delete his number. Let me back in. I'll be better.”

His offer was tempting. In an ideal world, Tsukishima wouldn't break your heart again.

Was it okay to hope for ideals? Was it foolish of you to take him back, and give into the hope that things would be different this time?

“Please, baby.”

He was genuinely pleading now, and you muffled a sob behind your palm. Your prideful ex boyfriend who never apologized and never begged you for anything was begging for the right to care for your broken heart.

“...okay.”

— now playing: better off without me by matt hansen

I guess love isn't what I thought We were blinded by the hope we got We were slow dancing in the dark Do you remember, remember?

— synopsis: tsukishima kei taught you what it meant to love and be loved — genre: angst, toxic tsukki, mostly feelings and thoughts not much action..... — word count: 1.2k

"Do you understand what it's like to love you?"

Tsukishima Kei was never easy to love. He fought love every step of the way, whether it be with the walls he constantly put back up after you tore them down, or with his snarky remarks insulting things you never knew you could be insecure about.

But you loved him regardless.

Admittedly, you didn't know love before you met Tsukishima. Your idea of romantic love and relationships was all built on the four years you've spent with him. It was good in some ways. You learned you were beautiful, even when you felt your ugliest. You learned that love doesn't need to be communicated through words, but could be conveyed through his actions. And love could be gentle, comfortable, quiet.

But you also learned that you'd never be good enough. You learned you were too much, too clingy, too demanding of his time and attention. Love could be harsh, gut wrenching, painful.

Love is your laughter in the morning while his arms are around your waist and he's burying his face in your chest, not wanting to let go or get up. 

Love is the way he snaps at you that night for leaving crumbs on the coffee table, and the way it makes you shrink into yourself.

"You make it hard to love you, Kei."

How could you put your love for him into words? There weren't enough words in the world to properly convey the way he made you feel.

The way he'd make you smile and laugh. The way he'd make you tear up and cry when he wasn't looking.

Was it worth it falling in love with him? Was it worth him slowly chipping away at your self worth, bit by bit, until you became someone else entirely? Someone totally unrecognizable?

The dishes in the sink still weren't washed. The laundry was sitting in the dryer unfolded. The bathroom sink was cluttered with your skincare.

You had all these things you needed to do before Tsukishima came home and you could barely muster up the energy to breathe in and out while laying curled up in bed.

Your thoughts flickered between needing to get up to clean the apartment because your boyfriend might throw a fit if he came home to a mess, and wishing that same boyfriend was here to hold you and reassure you that things would be alright. 

Sometimes, it felt like you loved two versions of Tsukishima Kei. One loved everything about you, and made sure to show you that every single day. The other picked at every one of your flaws until holes started to form in your heart. 

You never knew which Tsukki you'd get.

The front door clicked open, and you heard shuffling as Tsukishima took off his shoes and tossed his bag to the side. You braced yourself, shoulders tense and practically pressed up to your ears as you pulled the covers over your head, as if doing so would help you hide from the love of your life.

Which Tsukki were you getting today?

You heard a quiet curse and the sound of his steps coming closer and closer to the bedroom. You've been with him for so long, you could practically hear the frustration in his gait. 

Today, he was the Tsukishima that would jab at your flaws.

— now playing: die with a smile by bruno mars & lady gaga

If the world was ending I'd wanna be next to you If the party was over And our time on Earth was through I'd wanna hold you just for a while And die with a smile

— synopsis: getting tsukishima kei to say 'I love you' more often is harder than you'd think

— genre: only a tinge of hurt, more comfort, needy tsukki

— word count: 1k

The first thing he sees every morning is you. The last thing he sees before he closes his eyes for the night is always you.

No matter what may be happening between the two of you, the reassurance of knowing you'd be there in the morning and at the end of the day always calmed his tumultuous heart. 

So when he opens his eyes in the middle of the night and you're not there, he jolts up in a panic.

His hand quickly skims across your side of the bed, briefly wondering if he may be delirious in his half-asleep state. When he notices the sheets are still warm, he grabs his glasses and slips out of bed in a hurry.

The kitchen, the bathroom, and the living room are empty. When he finally stops to catch his breath, he notices your keys aren't hanging by the front door, an indication that you've left the apartment.

The realization makes his heart stop.

He should've apologized earlier. He should've known you'd get sick of him. You were always so patient with him, letting him keep you at arm's length for the first year of your relationship while he got used to skinship and physical affection. You even dealt with his mood swings, and communicated openly with him as much as possible so he could understand your perspective when the two of you fought.

And yet, he reversed all that progress last night when he ignored your feelings.

How can he expect you to read between the lines all the time? He had previously promised you he wouldn't treat you like that again, and yet he took advantage of your endless patience and did it again.

“Kei?”