Consistency is my forte

I don’t know why I’m here, but I felt like I needed to write something today. No topic in mind. Just a rainy Saturday morning where I’m feeling more pointless than usual.

I’m a gamer.

I’m a runner.

I’m a mead maker.

I’m a construction professional.

Probably in that order too. No topic in mind. Just, I’m feeling very, very pointless.

I guess I have an idea why I’m here. I dreamt of her again, and writing something here makes me feel connected to her. At least a little bit.

I turn 30 this year, and I don’t usually celebrate myself, but this seems like a day this year that I should? I can’t think of something I want to do other than go for a big adventure run with friends. December is cold and snowy. So, that makes it so much more difficult. Plus, I’m already planning on running the Portland marathon this year, and that’ll be a two week road trip already. 30 just feels significant, and I can’t help but feel sad about it.

Have I always been depressed?

I feel like no one cares and I'm a burden.

I've been on a two week road trip. A two week van trip. With two men who've both asked me to be best man in their weddings. We've been training for the better part of two years, thanks to COVID, for an ultra marathon. This road trip peaked last Saturday, April 17th, when we all completed 37.3 miles in the mountains of Prescott, AZ. Well, 37.3 miles if you didn't make wrong turns. I made wrong turns and ended up running 38 miles. It was fun, fulfilling, and not as difficult to do as I thought. It helped me fend off my minds demons for a few days.

This trip has me thinking about her, and whether or not I want to or can marry her in good faith. We've been dating for nearly three years and the next logical step would be a proposal, but I'm so unsure if she's the one I should entrust to push me to be the best me I can be. Nor do I know if I could push her to be the best her she can be.

I'm probably being dumb but the day after our ultra marathon we went to a meadery (oh yeah, I've been making mead for a few years now and want to eventually open a meadery someday) and the general manager was being very flirty towards me. She loosely offered me a job, as a mead maker, and to house me while I establish myself in the area. My friends entertained the idea more than I did. She eventually offered to show the private reserve room. Of course I said yes, but my friends decided the play the joke of not going with me. So it was just me and her in the backroom talking about mead for quite some time. To make things clear, at this point I started to develop quite the infatuation with her.

If I were to ask myself ten years ago where I was going to be in my life today, I would have sworn it was going to be with that girl I met last year during Spanish market, whom gave me my only demerit during that final because I couldn’t focus on anything besides her big soft brown eyes and smile. You gave me direction. You challenged me. You gave me hope. You used to make me so happy and excited for things to come, but now ten years later we don’t talk.

It’s sad and pathetic, but I don’t think there’s been a single week where I haven’t thought of you in some way since I’ve met you. I used to daydream about meeting you again after college in a coffee shop and rekindling what I thought we use to have. Daydreams can be so bittersweet.

I probably never told you this, but I saved that first text you sent to me that said you needed me. You probably don’t remember the text, but I do. I believe you were using your dads phone that night because yours broke or died or something? I read it recently. It made me melancholy. You were so warm and genuine with your feelings, and I remember how on top of the world receiving that made me feel. I felt like I had accomplished the big goal. Now, I feel like I feel nothing.

Another thing I’m certain I never told you, is if you recall back to the nights where we spent hours together on the phone. There was one specific night where you fell asleep on me. During that phone call, while you were asleep, I professed my love for you and declared you as mine and that I was going to marry you and I was going to be the one to ensure you were always happy. I feel so incredibly dumb thinking these things now, but I know I wouldn’t take back those words if given the chance.