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Photo Zero

Ariana Grande for British Vogue July 2018

Pierre Putman | Tumblr

Poster image for Mourning Week: March 14th - 21st, an organized art event featuring multiple Halifax artists considering the theme of public / private mourning. I’m doing a comic zine!

(Lima, Peru)

“My English is not good.  Spoken English is very difficult.  But I want to study at Columbia so I am trying to improve.  I decided to come to America because of Forrest Gump.  I’ve watched the movie five times.  I like Forrest very much.  Forrest is very simple.  He picks one thing, and he keeps going.  When I was young, I thought Forrest was stupid.  But now I have a different view.  I think people are too complicated.  They complain about everything.  Forrest never complains.  Forrest chooses one thing and he keeps going.  I watched the movie last month to encourage me.  My life is hard because people don’t ever know what I’m saying.  But I just think of Forrest.  Forrest figured everything out because he just kept going.”

“I always wanted to be a mental health therapist.  Ever since high school, I’ve enjoyed encouraging people and giving them hope.  But I lost my way.  I got caught in a world of addiction.  I lost ten years of my life to drugs.  I stopped when I became pregnant with my child, but by that time it was too late to go back to school.  I started working as an office manager.  I never completely lost my dream.  But I just put it on a shelf for thirty years.  Then five years ago I to…ok it off the shelf.  I heard a lady in my choir talking about how she enrolled in community college.  I drove there the very next day.  I was so nervous when I filled out the application.  I was so nervous the first day of class.  All the old voices were telling me: ‘You never finish anything.’  But I said ‘fuck you’ to the old voices.  And I started getting A’s.  On my first test, I got the only perfect score in the class.  I graduated at the age of 50.  I got my Masters at 55.  And just last night I completed a mental health first aid course.  I’m so close now.  There’s still fear there.  I used to be afraid of it never happening.  Now I’m afraid of it happening.  The old voices try to come back sometimes.  They tell me: ‘You can rest,’ or ‘You’ve earned a break.’  But I’m not stopping this time.  Somebody out there is waiting for me to finish because they need my help.“

“I’m afraid I’ll live a useless life and nobody will remember me. I don’t feel a strong interest toward anything. If I do, it’s just a momentary thing, and then I drop it. I tried acting. I tried swimming. I tried dancing. But I got bored with all of it. If I don’t choose something soon then I’ll leave nothing behind. We only have a certain amount of energy in life. If you don’t put it somewhere then it’s wasted. I feel like one of the little yellow minions from that movie. They get sad if they don’t have a villain to serve. When I have a goal, and I’m moving toward it, and I reach it, then I feel a little relief. That’s what life is to me. A series of goals that you move toward. I don’t think it’s possible to just become happy. Life’s not that easy. But if you keep moving, you can forget that you’re sad.” (Moscow, Russia)

“I quit my job earlier this year. I’m taking a little time to focus on myself. I worked from nine to six everyday. I often brought my work home with me. I was getting sick, and anxious, and I wasn’t sleeping well. But I could never accept my weaknesses. I’d see other people working harder than me, and I’d think: ‘If they can do it, why should I feel tired?’ Eventually I pushed myself so hard that I became depressed. One reason I couldn’t slow down is because my entire family is hard working. Both my parents are architects. My grandfather is an engineer. The importance of hard work has been passed down through the generations. I think the entire country is afraid to stop working. There have been so many hard times. There’s been so much hunger. For so long we had to work all the time just to survive. Even though things are better now, that’s a difficult to psychology to escape. I’m starting to interview for new jobs. But I’m asking different questions. Money is the last thing I worry about. I’m much more interested in the schedule.” (St. Petersburg, Russia)

“We were pretty poor back in Mexico. My parents were divorced. Mom did the best she could. She was always a hustler. She’d sell jewelry, or food, or anything that she could. But a lot of nights there still wouldn’t be enough to eat. We’d survive on tortillas and salt. I was only eight when we came to America. So I was too young to understand. I think my mom thought she could make some money and bring us home. She thought she’d learn English, and maybe start a business. But it was so much harder than she expected. We moved so much looking for work. She’s fifty and she still cleans houses every day. Every year she gets more worn down. She’s been getting sick a lot lately. But she can’t afford to stop. She never will. Right now I’m in school. I always thought I had to be the best student because I’m undocumented. I thought I’d go to law school, or graduate school. But now I’m not so sure. My mom would literally destroy her body to make that happen for me. How could I allow that to happen? I’m a Dreamer. And everyone loves the Dreamers because we’re a perfect package to sell. But why am I the only one who gets the chance to feel safe? Whenever I hear ‘I stand with Dreamers,’ I always think about my mom. I’m not willing to throw her under the bus. I’m not willing to be a bargaining chip to make her seem like a criminal. Everything people admire about Dreamers is because of our parents.”

“I had an awakening on a balcony in Seattle. I was listening to soul music on my Walkman. And I was paying attention to the music. And suddenly I realized that I was the attention itself. I realized that I’m not my mind—I’m the awareness of my mind. We’re all just drops of consciousness and if you get to the point where you can turn around and see your drop, you’ll discover that it’s connected to an ocean of consciousness. And then you’ll be illumined. I don’t care if anyone believes me. I’m not trying to convert anyone. There’s nothing to convert because everyone is exactly where they’re supposed to be right now.”

Chiharu Shiota, The Locked Room, (2016).