nobody

i am turning into somebody i hate. i am a grown ass man having what feels like temper tantrums, losing my shit like a little kid when things go wrong. i can't manage my responsibilities, all i want is to give up. i feel like a burden to everyone i love, and i am pushing away the ones closest to me. i never thought it would be this hard. and i don't feel like we talk about the hopeless, empty, awful feeling that comes with going through puberty a second time. i feel scared to tell people how angry i am because i don't want them to either view me as an aggressive man, or to assume i am faking the aggression because i view it as masculine, which i do not. i genuinely feel out of control, like i can't be in my own body- i act without thinking, its like my impulse control is completely gone. my best friend is a trans guy and he told me it could be hard to cry, but like, all i want to do is cry? all the time. i feel thirteen again and maybe to some people that isn't the death sentence it feels like it is for me, but i can't make it through that empty feeling again. i barely made it before. things are supposed to be better by now, aren't they? i'm twenty five this year. i should be gentle and mature and thoughtful and kind. instead there's this rage that is eating me alive and i hate myself. i should feel happy, and proud of even making it this far? instead i feel like shit all of the time. i don't know how to make it stop.