lost to light

I’ve always been hesitant to post about this because I’m worried people will take it as a personal offense and I just want to say in advance this isn’t “@ anyone” or a callout even

I just feel like emotional consent as a concept is rarely talked about and therefore it’s often breached unknowingly (hence why I don’t never get mad at anyone specific for breaching it), and also I think it’s important I make this post. I didn’t learn what it was till I was older, and most people don’t.

Essentially “emotional consent” is a mutual understanding and willing agreement between both parties when discussing directly emotional or potentially emotionally loaded questions.

I’m going to start with examples, and I know it might feel bad at first if you recognize you do some of them (it’s okay, we all do from time to time), but please keep reading because I promise I’ll get onto alternative dialogues and solution

Here are some examples of what a breach of emotional consent can look like- not all the ways of course, but the major ones off the top of my head:

Venting to someone without warning or established boundaries this can look like starting a conversation by venting, or detailing graphic information seemingly out of nowhere and without effective trigger warnings. This can put people in situations where they feel like they have to respond, even if they’re not emotionally equipped, if they’re busy, or if they don’t have the spoons. Of course, usually this wasn’t the intent of the venter, but still has the same effect. FYI- this includes celebrities, social media icons, and people you admire. 

Talking graphically about sex, masturbation, or anything in that range without warning or established boundaries this can look like anything from sharing a funny sexual escapade with your friends, and dirty jokes, to sexual harassment and telling someone hows bad you want to fuck them despite not knowing how they feel about it. Sometimes in these scenarios, people can appear visibly comfortable in attempt to fit in and not seem prudish, or to avoid awkward confrontation. This can also be especially sensitive because this is a topic that can very easily and unexpectedly bring up traumas and insecurities along with the discomfort, and it can perpetuate rape culture.

Using pet-names and romantic implications, even platonically, without established consent this one was tough for me to swallow at first because I love pet names and I love using them platonically to show love. But even more, I want the people I love to feel comfortable and safe around me. Some people have deeper more negatively charged, or more intensely charged feelings around pet names than I do, and I wouldn’t want to subject them to that. Some people are also comfortable with certain pet names and not others. Also things like calling platonic meetups dates, cuddling, and platonically holding hands mean different things to different people, which is important to respect.

Showing people media or sending articles or news with heavy emotional content either without warning, or with the expectation of discussion part of this is about including trigger warnings, and making sure viewing triggering content is optional in spaces and interactions we have control over. Another part though, is the fact that we often expect people to have interactions and discussions with us about emotionally charged topics, including politics, crime, oppression, natural disasters, etc. without fully understanding how this can affect the other person.

Telling someone they’re the only person you feel comfortable telling something to, or be open with this one sucks because it usually (except in cases of abuse) comes out of genuine care and wanting to make the other person feel special. That being said, no matter how you phrase it, it can put a massive responsibility on the person that similar to my first example, can make them feel obligated to help even when they’re not in an appropriate place to. 

Expecting people to share personal or intimate information a lot of times we ask emotionally loaded questions because we care about and are interested in the lives of our loved ones. That being said, if we’re not careful people can really feel obligated to share information they’re not prepared to, or don’t want to process at the moment. This can look like “How’s your health been?” “How are you handling [life event]?” and “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

so now the more pleasant part! What can it look like to prioritize emotional consent instead- these correspond in order of initial bullets

Starting vague and asking if it’s okay an example dialogue could be “I’m feeling crappy about [blank] are you up to listen to me talk about it?” I also love to add “or should I try [alternative coping method/talking to someone else right now?]” to the end of that if I have one so the other person knows if they say no I have something to turn to. Another example could be “Would it be alright for me to vent right now? FYI it may include mentions of [possible triggers] so if you’re not up for it right now I understand?” or simply “Are you comfortable with me talking about [blank?]”. Also talking to a celebrity or idol “You really helped me with [blank]. I don’t know if you’re comfortable with detail so I won’t elaborate, but I really appreciate it.” or “You really helped me with [blank.] [An explanation about what specifically helped or inspired you in more detail rather than graphic description of the event.]”

Again! You can just ask example dialogue can include “Can I mention something about my sex life?” “I have a joke but it’s dirty so I want to make sure thats okay with you” “Can I say something nsfw?” “Is everyone here okay with sex mentions?” 

Asking still works! Example dialogue can be “Thanks [petname] (are you okay with me using that or would you rather I don’t)” “Are you okay being called [petname]?” “Are you comfortable with [intimate platonic act]?” “Do you want to [intimate platonic act]?” “I’d like to [intimate platonic act] if you’d be okay with that”

Ask/Warn ahead of time or clarify you don’t need response example dialogue “I want to process [news event] but I know it’s heavy so I wanted to ask first” “Jsyk this article contains [possible triggers] so don’t read it if you think it’d be harmful to you]” “Can I ask your opinion on [charged topic]. If you’d rather not, I understand” “[thought or link to article] FYI no need to respond. I just wanted to share.]”

Show you’re appreciation in other ways using phrases that show appreciation but don’t implicate responsibility like “Thanks for being here for me whenever you’re able to” “I really appreciate being able to talk about this with you” “It means a lot to me that I can feel so comfortable and open with you” “Being able to talk about this with you has been really helpful for me and I’m really glad I was ables to.”

Asking with an easy out or optional response examples include “Hey, I know you’re dealing with as lot and grieving right now so I absolutely don’t need a response, but I wanted to remind you if you need support in any way I’m available and have time right now.” “Do you want to talk about [emotionally charged life event] or would you rather talk about something else right now?” “I know it’s hard to talk about these things and I understand if you can’t, but I want to remind you that when you can and want to I’m available and won’t judge you.” “Would venting be helpful or draining right now?” “What’s the best way I can support you, or are you not sure right now?”

bea insists i post this abomination so

vinny: …..maps and shit

habit: okay before maps..

vinny: ..the internet

habit:

ARIES: you may find yourself doing the hurting in your relationship. love for you is supposed to be exciting, and when you’re not excited about the relationship, it’s easy for you to let go. but hurting people doesn’t feel good. not many people realize this, but aries don’t intend to hurt people. they just naturally put themselves first. it hurts them when people close to them hurt. you may have a lot of trouble finding someone who understands you and your carefree attitude about relationships. maybe love isn’t for you, you begin to think. 

TAURUS: you have an intense loyalty to the people you love. so much so, in fact, that you stay in situations that you may be better off walking away from. to you, a partnership is a long term commitment and any problems that may arise can be worked out, if people are willing to work at it. the problem is, you’re always willing to work on it and the other person may not be so willing. people take advantage of you. you don’t like to fail. when relationships end for you, it causes you a lot of pain because you feel like you failed. you start to think about all the things you could have done to make things work, but you can’t change someone else no matter how hard you try. 

GEMINI: you’re very hard on yourself. you have this weird war going inside you. a part of you thinks “im in a v srs relationship, this is srs business,” while the other side is wanting to have fun and gets bored staying in one spot. you can be hard on others too. you have these ideas about what a good partner should be like and what a serious relationship is supposed to look like, so you tend to dwell on flaws that may not even be deal breaker worthy. finding a balance and learning to let go of preconceived ideas about relationships is a challenge for you. if you don’t find a balance, you’ll feel lost and like no one is out there for you. 

CANCER: you care SO much about people. you always do incredibly thoughtful gestures for the people you love. maybe your partner made an offhand comment once about liking this super niche movie that’s hard to find, and you go out there and buy it. it’s hard for people to match your insane effort. the thing is, you want someone to treat you how you treat others. you want someone to remember that story you told about your favorite vacation as a kid and then they surprise you with plane tickets for your birthday. people show love in all sorts of ways, but it’s hard for you to accept love in a way that’s different from the way you love. if it’s not these insane, sentimental gifts, it’s not enough for you. you feel unfulfilled. 

LEO: you put people on a pedestal. you have high standards, or you at least like to think you have high standards. when you’re into someone, you’re like “oh my god! finally someone who is everything I’ve been looking for!” you begin to see them as this vision you had in your head of the person you pictured yourself with. but fantasy is not reality. when this person doesn’t live up to that fantasy, you get hurt. you’re a hopeless romantic and very grandiose in the way you express your love. everything about love to you is a fairytale. you’re setting impossibly high standards for not only potential partners, but even yourself. 

VIRGO: we live in a society where reminding someone to put their seatbelt on is nagging. to you, this is an act of love. you’re a perfectionist with yourself and your love life. you love through constructive criticism and communication. never mind the fact that people just can’t take criticism these days, people instinctually become defensive. you don’t mean it to come across as critical and naggy, you genuinely want you, the other person, and your relationship to be the best it can be. you feel misunderstood and you probably have begun to give in to thinking there’s something inherently wrong with you.  

LIBRA: love for you is more than just emotions, it’s a conscious decision you make everyday. this will cause you to stay in situations that aren’t right for you. once you’ve decided to be with someone, you’ve decided and now you have to deal with this commitment. pair that with a need to keep the peace and you can drive yourself crazy, dealing with other people’s bullshit that you shouldn’t have to deal with. you bend so much to the needs of the other person, because you’re adaptable so you can be the one to compromise to keep the relationship harmonious. but by doing this, you neglect your own needs and you become blind to how you truly feel and what you truly want. 

SCORPIO: not many people realize it, but you have very high standards. this comes from your overall pessimistic view on people, which probably stems from going through a lot of disappointment in your past. you are insanely loyal to those you’re with and you love HARD. you may often feel that no one will love you the way you love them. you don’t even always express just how deeply you love someone. you don’t like to admit it, but you get deeply attached to people. when someone inevitably doesn’t live up to your standards, this causes you a lot of pain. 

SAGITTARIUS: people fucking suck. everyone has skeletons in their closets and baggage. people take themselves and relationships too seriously. you just want to have fun with the person you’re with. you have a hard time dealing with the human side of people. why does everyone else have to be so negative, you think. love is an amazing thing! and we should have fun while we have time on this earth together. much like aries, you may have begun to think love isn’t for you because everyone else is out here taking the fun out of love. 

CAPRICORN: there’s an inherent loneliness than comes with being a cap moon. you come across as cold to others because the way you express love is so different than everyone else. emotions take a back seat, you love through providing for your partner and becoming the best at what you do to ensure a comfortable life for yourself and those you love. people see that as putting your work before your loved ones, but that’s not your intention. failures in your love life have caused you to completely stop seeking out potential partners, even if you would really love to be in a relationship right now. 

AQUARIUS: the person you’re with is not only your partner, but your best friend. but isn’t that a good thing? it can be, but you have the tendency to detach from the emotional and romantic side of the relationship. you’re afraid of your emotions sometimes, and you’ve developed this ability to completely detach. people you are with may feel like you don’t love them, they’ll begin to feel more like your friend than your lover. but that’s not how you mean for it to come across! you just have a hard time expressing love in a way that others can understand. 

PISCES: you give people too many chances. you see people how you want to see them, rather than for who they truly are and you usually default to seeing the best in everyone. you gravitate towards relationships where one of you needs saving. if you’re the one who needs saving, you put too much of that responsibility into the other person. if you’re the savior in the relationship, you have a hard time realizing that you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. 

let’s all have a group hug <3 astrology is a wonderful tool to not only understand yourself, but to understand others. treat each other kindly and embrace differences in people. 

if i ever decide you can talk to me again, i will explicitly tell you. otherwise stop.