Blank Anxiety

I wish people would understand that I'm not a very social person, that I can only deal with so much, people that's supposed to be my friends care more about there issues and problems to even think about how I'm feeling, I've always had mental issues but now after giving birth it's even worse, reaching out feels like I'm being burned, beaten, stabbed and burned alive. It feels like I'm constantly in the painful state of drowning..I don't even care about air anymore, I'm tired of screaming out in pain only to get slapped in the face because of how I feel...KICK ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING SOLAR SYSTEM!!! IM SO TIRED OF DROWNING!!

I’m trying so hard to stay happy.

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When you ruin a 5 year friendship, you really start to think because that was the one person you could talk to about everything. I mean yeah sure you had other friends but, you could never talk to them like you could to this one friend of yours. It would range from having sex advice to “What would guys do if they got boners in the middle of a class?” You have 5 years of memories together and you can’t delete the pictures or the videos you have with them because you think “Oh this is just a fight, we always fight about worthless shit. She’ll come around or I will come around or we both will and say sorry to each other and we’ll be best buds again.” WRONG! You ruined it because this was the last straw for both of you. You both couldn’t do it anymore. The pointless fighting over ridiculous things get more heated between you two. Then one day, one or both of you snap - to the point where you guys get to the point “Maybe we shouldn’t be friends anymore” even though it isn’t said but we all know that’s what we were thinking. Then you REALLY start thinking what YOU did wrong. All those times she wanted to talk to you, you gave her short answers or read her messages but never replied back because you were either watching Netflix or you were at work and told yourself that you would reply back but you never did. Those last couple months when you guys were still friends, you had met a guy and you let a guy get between your guys friendship even though you told yourself it wasn’t. Then after you saw that the guy was interested in your best friend, you gave your best friend the cold shoulder thinking “If I give her the cold shoulder maybe she wont like him and she will see that I like him and she’ll back away.” You right but giving her the cold shoulder was never the right approach to your best friend. So then you start to see that YOU’RE hurting YOU’RE best friend. Then you tried not to fall for the guy because all you want is your best friend. Then after we both made up for getting a guy between us, you think, did we recover from that fight or did we just say that to the point where we actually believed it for a little bit. But then we both hit rock bottom to the point where YOU don’t care about your friends feelings anymore because she’s not important to you anymore because you have work, your life is a little better and you meet this new guy and you just ignore her because you know she can help herself when you know she just wants to talk to you and maybe she wants you to help her. The next couple days you and your best friend get in a fight again and its the last fight forever because YOU ruined this friendship and there’s a low chance of fixing it this time. probably never……..