~Self Care~ πΈFlowers grown where you water themπΈ (~~Life updates beyond~~) Looking back through my timeline, my facebook looks as disorganised as my life in the last year, I haven't been consistent, there are absences are glaring, lots of randomness. And not as art focused as I'd like. Certainly a lot less art then I'd like... I've found it really hard to get much done this year, a few shows, a few drawings. But the many things have seemed to take more energy than I have, and need more time than I'm able to muster up. Well I found out why, a bit: When you go to the doctors about mental health issues, they do tests, make sure it's nothing physical. Okay, they told me, nothing else is wrong, you have a mental issue. Then I went to the doctors about my difficult physical health. They did tests. Told me it was all in my head. I went back and again, 'it's psychological' they said. A little while ago I find out that isn't entirely true. They missed something, my charts have not been read correctly. It's my blood. It's not working properly, hasn't been for a year at least; not transporting the energy I need. Leaving me feeling dizzy, faint and fatigued. I knew I was tired, knew some days I could't move properly. But I thought, I was told, it was in my head. It wasn't. It isn't... not all of it anyway. If mental health is a black dog, I have a grey dog too. One on either side of me. This last year I have been getting better at taming the black beast, but the grey one has been clawing, biting my heals as I sort out the black. The good news is that I will probably be able to overcome this physical thing more easily than the mental. I'm undergoing tests with a different doctor, which should root out the cause, and when that's found, there are treatment pathways. Sit, Stay, Roll Over. I've felt a little like life has passed me by in the last year, like I have tried my hardest to connect, but I can't get in the house, just push myself against the cold windows and look in. Occasionally I can stand on the doorstep while the door is open, smell the cooking inside, hear voices talking excitedly, and I want to go in so badly, but can't quite get past the boundary. Depression disconnects, and exhaustion obstructs. My two dark dogs have not made this year easy. But still, I ran a marathon, exhibited at shows worldwide, but most importantly I survived. I've been quiet online this year, as I've had a lot to deal with. I hope to make more noise soon π My mental health is getting better, and so should be physical health soon. I will get better. My blood will work again. My brain will work again, and I will work again. Peace, Love and Second Opinions, Blue xx http://ift.tt/2hWw5bS
