CJ,

You don’t know how badly I’ve wanted to talk to you over the last couple weeks. How I wish I could take back everything I said. It’s not fair of me to push all that blame. I’m hurt, I’ve been hurt but it’s not an excuse for the shit I’ve done and said. You are the only person in my life that I let myself truly fall in love with—to see a future with. I won’t apologize anymore than I have and you shouldn’t apologize anymore either because it won’t fix anything unfortunately.

I know for a fact that we are both mentally unstable people that were most definitely meant for each other.. just not at the time we met. Our relationship started due to loneliness and trauma, I think that’s exactly why none of our “working” through conversations ever worked. We were both broken people trying to pick up each other’s pieces and not realizing we were only doing more harm to one another. Which in turn, ruined anymore hope to “fix” it later on.

You are a loyal companion, you’re fierce in what you want, and you know exactly what to say half the time. That’s why I loved you so fucking much, why I let you in so easily because you’re just like me. It feels like forever since I heard you say you loved me, but I think it’s time I finally let you go. I’ve held on this long because I’m scared of being alone and I’m scared no one will understand me in depth as you have. Now I’m just scared of being hurt like this again, because it sucks, it sucks so fucking bad. I wish there was a switch to turn everything off so I didn’t have to feel anything. But unfortunately that’s all I can do, I have to feel this, live it and let it burn so that somehow I can over come it, so I can get over you.

I meant what I said when I told you that you were it for me—I won’t love anyone else the way I loved you. You’re under my skin, you’re everything I ever wanted in a partner. I probably sound like a broken fucking record, I just never knew how to say goodbye to someone because I’ve always held onto the hope shit would work out and we would talk again.

I’m empathetic in the pain I’ve cause you, I hope your life gets better… you deserve so much more kindness and love than what you have gotten. I’m not a big prayer or god believer, you know that but I’ll pray for you, to the one thing I believe in. Do better for yourself and whoever else you want to love in the future.

Cordially,

Any relationship I’ve had, it’s always been about sex because I was groomed and conditioned to think that’s all anyone would need from me in a relationship.

It’s so hard to love myself, and I haven’t felt pretty in so fucking long. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror for too long without glaring in disgust.

I did feel alright for a month there, but then the sadness creeped back in. Now I’m here 4 am crying because I feel so empty inside.

Self acceptance and love is so hard to do without distractions such as sex, alcohol and drugs. Because I actually have to deal with the pain head on. But I don’t wanna deal with it anymore. I’m alone, so alone in my life than I’ve ever been.