And Then It All Made Sense To Me.

just stop for a second and take a breath, wipe your eyes and think of the fact that you could wake up tomorrow and win the lottery or meet the love of your life or make a stranger smile, you just need to hold on and stay strong, you’ll be okay ..

10 Things I had to learn by myself (my mother never taught me): i. Blame the person who hurts you, not yourself. Never blame yourself for not being what they wanted or not being “good enough.” You are made with perfectly flawed traits, stitched together to be loved unconditionally. ii. Not everyone you love will love you back and the people who do love you, you won’t always reciprocate the feelings. But that doesn’t make them or you a bad person. You can’t love everyone and not everyone will love you. I refuse to blame the people that can’t find it in their soul to give me what I give them. I don’t give to get back. I give because I want to and because I can. iii. Don’t let one person tell you negative things about yourself. One opinion out of a million does not make you who you are. No one paints a masterpiece for you, you are the art piece. You make who you are. You are the artist. iv. Don’t ever settle. People always feel safer with things that they are used to and comfortable with instead of seeking for the heart pounding feelings and moments that take their breaths away. I never want it to be easy; I want it to be hard to breathe and suffocating when I give something my all. I want to learn how to survive through that. v. Learn how to say no. No, I do not want to dance with you. No, I do not want to kiss you. No, I do not want to date you. No, I do not want to do this. No, I do not want to do that. Because that does not make me happy and that does not make me feel comfortable, so no. And I don’t need to give you a reason nor do I need to make up an excuse to say “no.” vi. There are different kinds of people. Don’t always catergorize people in groups because people are not meant to be labelled. Just because one person hurts you, does not mean the ones in the future will. Just because one person holds a knife doesn’t mean the next one will use it. There is good out there; there is good in the world and there is good in people. Not everyone is a monster. I strongly believe that majority of the population is good. vii. Do not let the past prevent you from living in the future. Do not let the pain and hurt take over. Don’t close yourself up to others just because you have been broken before. Never allow the demons of yesterday to control the beauty that is to come in the future. Vow to never allow it to always be stormy for the sun does eventually shine down on all things beautiful. I am beautiful, and so are you. viii. You can swim across the world for someone but they might not even step outside in the drizzle for you. Even if you hold the umbrella for them. ix. Never give someone the power to rid you of yourself. Don’t ever fall out of your routine or lose who you are permanently. That is so important. x. Love yourself. Learn to love the birthmark on your face, the chipmunk cheeks, the thighs that jiggle when you walk, the nose you think is too flat, and your fingers that are too short. Learn to appreciate your almond shaped eyes, your skin color, the thin hair that doesn’t grow fast, the beauty mark above your lips, and the small gap between your teeth. Learn to love your sense of humor, your laughter, your emotions, your tendency to trust easily, and how happy you always are. Learn to love the way you love others deeply, how you sometimes fear being lonely, the way you enjoy walks alone, and the radiance in your soul. Learn to love yourself at 3AM when you cannot sleep and can only think of the skeletons hiding in your own closets and learn to love yourself at 3PM when you are cranky and unable to get out of bed. Learn to love yourself and come to terms with the fact that you are you, and that will never change.

Am I supposed to be grateful that you find me “pretty?” Am I supposed to thank you, then look you in the eye and tell you, “Wow I would love to be with someone who finds me attractive. Maybe I should head home with you now after a couple of drinks. Wow someone finally thinks I am pretty.” Darling, that means nothing to me. Prettiness does not mean anything to me. Do you find my face pretty or do you think my clothes are pretty? Because I think this dress is pretty and maybe her shorts are shorter, so you find her prettier? Or do you think the neckline is pretty because you can see a little more than just my necklace? When I was younger, pretty was all I wanted to be. My mother told me I was fat, so I thought if I was skinnier, it would make me pretty. My father told me I was ugly, that my nose was too flat and my forehead was too big; I wanted to be pretty. I brushed my hair, I grew it long. It took two years but it almost hit my waist and when I had to cut it off, I felt like I was no longer pretty. My hair was the only thing I thought I had. It was the only thing that made me feel some kind of pretty. Validation. Why did I need it? Years and years, I sought for it. I was so grateful for any ounce of it. I fought myself for it. I told myself that I needed others to find me beautiful in order for me to be beautiful. I forced myself to think I was only pretty the amount of times I heard my name and the word in the same sentence. Well hey, don’t we all make the mistake of wishing to be something else somewhere in our lives? Well hey, now I know. I am pretty not because my hair is in place or because I wear the latest fashion trend. Hell, I don’t want to be just “pretty.” I want to be sassy. I want to be fierce. I want to be murderous with my eyes and I want to be wise. I want to be so intelligent. And I want to be something more than just being called the word “pretty.” Be something more than that word. Be something else that when someone meets you for the first time, that won’t be the first thing they think about you. Because you are more than just that. You are strong and you are brave. You are fearless and you are daring. You are bold and you are hell of a nightmare. Let them dream about you. Let them call you pretty and show them a woman who stands on the tip of the cliff who will never be pushed off.

“I used to write,” I said, “a lot. My heart was broken, and I became a sad girl. I became someone I never wanted to be. Now, I find myself unable to sit down and write as much as I did.” “Did you only write because you were broken?” “I wrote to help ease the pain.” “And now?” You ask. “My heart isn’t broken anymore.”

“I used to have faith in fate, believed it would some day be us if I played the cards right, or if I tried hard enough to be someone worth searching for. Then one afternoon, I sat there alone with a pen in my hand and bleakness in my heart, and the thoughts of you stopped providing comfort. You weren't elixir, but the plague I tried to avoid,” I said.“ "I wish I could speak to myself a few years ago. I’d tell her to stop wishing on every 11:11 for a love so futile, to let go of someone who made her lose sight her constellations and allowed her to see herself as a city night without stars. I’d tell her that she was the universe he would never be a part of, and that will one of the best things she’ll ever have.

Stop giving people power to control your smile, your worth, and your attitude.

Believe nothing you hear, and only one half that you see.

And all I loved, I loved alone.