No thank you.

Jesus fuck, woman. It had better be important. 

I’m fucking ancient, I can’t take scares like this.

I have news you might liiiike....

Jesus fuck, woman. It had better be important. 

I’m fucking ancient, I can’t take scares like this.

You’ll be fine, “Gruncle Barnes”. My heart’s worse than yours.

Also... I have some dirt on someone. You’ll want to read this. 

@desaeviio

The hell are you doin’ here so goddamn early?

…how the hell did you get in?

...You ask a lot of questions at this time of morning.

“Don’t worry, I can take it. Be honest with me.”

“And what if I don't want to?”

“Jackie, I think you’re encroaching on “questions with answers you won’t like” territory.”

“Right, right. Her dad’s military. Probably is a piece of shit. Got nothing but the utmost respect for many of the men I served with, but I’ve never met a collection of more insufferable pricks in my entire life. Wonder what that says about me considering I’m cut from the same cloth.

“Great things, I’m assuming,” he snorted.

Barnes was a piece of work, even he knew that, but hey. Self-awareness counted for something, right? Wasn’t like he hadn’t paid for it either. A kid was sent to kill him a couple of days ago. He also ended up as  role of “blood servant” but honestly, the Director wasn’t the worst person to be serving. 

Somewhere along the way, he’d lost his patriotism. At one point, he might’ve gotten mad at the “disrespect” shown to the flag. Now? He just kind of laughed.

“You know where you get that from?” Barnes said as he was cleaning a knife. Perhaps this was too on the nose, but nobody ever accused him of being a subtle person. “That… protectiveness, let’s call it?”

“Biggest pile of shit I’ve ever met. Well...” Let’s not touch that. “--Mostly. Second biggest.” Banner was surprisingly jovial in jesting back quickly after, really anything to move past the number One biggest Pile of Shit she knew before. “You’re good. I like you, Barnes. But maybe it’s because I’m an asshole too.” 

At least they both knew they were assholes. But underneath all that was still a heart of gold. Just buried. Very buried.

While Barnes at one point had a respect for the flag, Banner sure couldn't say the same. As to the amusement of her wife shooting through the stars and various disrespects she’s done over the past few decades. And yet, she still did research for them, and they footed the bill for her multiple PhD’s. The government can call that cost a loss.

“That’s better, honey.”.

Banner was tearing at the seams ready to just put her hands on her wife, but that would have to be with permission. This was just how it worked. Waiting made it better. Or worse? She’d have it no other way.

desaeviio replied to your post: ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels….

“You’re right. At least ten times. Twenty. Thirty? Should I keep going?”

“I’d like it if you did.”

“You take my breath away. you put every angel to shame. All of them.”

Huh. 

“…not a bad idea.” 

There was a reason Banner had three hundred and seven ex-wives after all. As much as he hated to admit when the Doc was right, he’d been chasing Natasha since before the invention of cellphones. It’s not like they’d never been together but it never lasted. There were times she branched out, met new people, and he… waited.

Like the good doctor, Barnes felt the need to lighten the mood.

“You ever think about buying your wife a gun? Might help cut down on the kidnappings.”

“I didn’t have to buy her one. She knew how to shoot the hat off a man before I met her.” Banner snarked, but boy, there was a tone of being very proud, so admirous of her wife for that skill of hers. Banner damn near sighed and smirked. “But I did get one for an anniversary gift.”

As unfortunate as most of her wives ‘ended’ the marriages (through death most frequently), nothing could be said that dared spit in the face of Banner’s (or any other alter’s) romancing skills. She herself romanced at least three dozen curious college girls in her time. Every awful planet or universe or timeline Banner found herself in before she knew it, she was romancing the queen or someone who’d she’d make a queen (before making her dead that is). She managed to, in some strange way and now far more repressible way, woo Bucky. But oh, better let that repress away. 

Nope.

“On one of our first “dates”-- we called them “Bible Studies”--, she shot a waving flag right through the middle star. Her father nearly had an aneurysm and had the troops run around the base until someone confessed to doing it out of exhaustion.” Another huff. “Sometimes wish he had croaked right then and there.”

I think I did LSD an hour ago.

[There’s no words to describe the sigh and processing this statement has wrought on his poor strained mother. And yet, it’s very audible. Banner rested a hand on her hip and just. Sighed.]

As the daughter of a military official and frequent time-spender on military bases, I feel qualified to say the military is a terrible, terrible thing.

As a personal victim of both the military and your father, I’ll have to agree. Burn it all down. Anarchy.

“You need ‘em. Bein’ immortal or whatever isn’t a pass to go through life the same weight as a really sturdy street light.”

“Not that it’s any of your business, Doc’, but me and Nat have seen a man about a dog more than once, okay? Let’s start there,” Barnes huffed. Where did Banner get off? “Second, it’s not my fault. Things get weird. Nat thought she was a clone last week. What the hell kind of move am I s’possed to make there?”

“Hey, it worked for me for a little bit.” Banner shrugged. The extra weight sure didn’t look that bad on her. Imagine, she had hips again. Oh, the horror. “Immortality just means never escaping leftovers. They will catch up with you.”

Barnes’ outdated sayings might just one day be the death of the good doctor, if death were ever so kind. No, Death was kind in other ways, and idioms weren’t on her list of priorities where Banner was concerned. “Well, quickies and clone worries aside, I’m not a genius-- I mean, I am-- but you hold them and comfort them and tell them you’ll still love them no matter who they are. The move was pour some wine, cuddle on the couch, and talk it out until she feels better.”

“...It’s what my wife does for me.” God, lighten the mood. Don’t expose weakness. Even though Barnes has seen Banner at worse. “--And shove more leftovers down my throat.”

“Yeah, I usedta’ breathe and you’d fall over. Now, I gotta’ huff.” Barnes huffed. Banner was no heavier than two sticks and a stone, but one of the sticks and the stone were recent additions. Life’s lookin’ up for her, huh?

“Two wives, though. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’re makin’ fun of me.”

“Well, one’s the girlfriend, but she’s been a housewife for the last decade at least. Like two peas in a pod, I swear.” Banner, despite the various attempts over the years, was not the housewife kind, and, on top of that, not very good at it either. Not bad, just not good. “There’s too many damned leftovers in the house.”

“Barnes.” Banner started quickly, out of nowhere form the silence, as if time t didn’t pass on with nothing. That was the delight of friendship here- or companionship. Barnes was just as likely to appreciate silence as he would conversation. 

Natasha’ll be there. I’m letting her know the bank’s open, for what it’s worth.

[Prof slided into this situation like nothing, letting Banner shirk off finally but would be back later officially. Prof could always slid in like automatic soothing, like natural filler for the main show, like back up of the ‘Banner’ everyone seemed to like. Banner slunk away and let Prof do the hard work; Barnes likely wouldn’t notice much a difference outside of being relaxed. Half of everything Prof stood for was pretending to be Banner anyway.]

[”Banner” laughed lightly, in some wry amusement. She could assume context hopefully. right?]