Just Sad.

I think I’m getting better and then everything gets bad again. 

Now I’m empty. I have nothing to give to anyone. Except for talking about my pain. And since I realize that’s toxic, I’ve simply isolated.

i dont talk anymore. i dont want to. i have nothing to say. i have nothing to contribute to a conversation. words escape me and i dont care that they do. i can go entire days without muttering a word. i just want to be left alone, now. 

I just feel so defeated right now. Don’t know what to say to anyone anymore. I’m not okay, it hurts. I had a breakdown. All these sentences can’t seem to do justice to what I feel now. I feel defeated in life, with my body, with the things that have plagued me my entire life. I’m defeated and I can’t get back up. Music isn’t sad enough. Substances aren’t numbing enough. Good things aren’t a thing anymore. The degree of hopeless I exist with isn’t something any person can survive with.

i dont talk anymore. i dont want to. i have nothing to say. i have nothing to contribute to a conversation. words escape me and i dont care that they do. i can go entire days without muttering a word. i just want to be left alone, now. 

I’m drunk on the idea that death only death can save me