AU / REVOIR

“Do you WANT TO?” there’s a pause that hangs pregnant in the air between them, Rue’s gaze shunting downwards, to her feet, nodding, as if only to herself.

Because yeah, it’s like, nice and it hurts to hear in the same breath, what does that even meant for her? For THEM? “… am I bothering you?”

- @depressedinthebath​

Part of her did, that much she couldn’t LIE about, but perhaps she didn’t need to say the words out loud. Teeth dug deep into her bottom lip, fingers running through her hair. “No, that’s NOT what I meant,” her words were quiet, though she still tried to know what she meant herself. 

Their hips bump against each other, Rue slinging her arms about Jules’ neck, with a casual affection that has grown since they’ve first met. No longer as shyly reserved, she’s just so terribly, and deeply in love with her girlfriend. HOW IT ALL WEARS TOGETHER neatly, even when she’s weathering her own ups and downs with sobriety, and Jules’ struggles with her mental health. It’s like, a process, so they like to remind each other, not easy, not simple… it’s hard work in a way that Rue knows she has to work on, though there’s joy in the simplicity of milestones like this, moments she’d yearned for, with all her heart when they’d been in high school together, fresh juniors trying to work out their shit.

“Okay, so no table, just using our knees, this is so? Romantic? Or is it, uh, just really New York.” Rue can’t help but TEASE HER, knowing that this was the dream, no matter what package it came in. “Okay, so we go, we get your super stamps done, and then… maybe we should start exploring the city or something? Like? I’m kind of just… fucking… shell shocked and excited, you know? Like, this feels like some kinda shit I would expect out of a movie or something, and now that I’m living it, it feels sort of weirdly way more exciting then I ever expected it to be… is that lame?”

- @depressedinthebath

The smile on her features could light up a room, her fingers always running against Rue’s arm, the constant need to be touching her in a sense. This is a new type of happiness for her, and she wants to live in it forever. So much of her life was a constant up and down, and even at times she felt that way when it came to Rue. But this fresh start, the new scenery and the room to FREAKING breathe was enough to make this feel all the more different. It’s what etched the wide grin onto her lips, dazzled by everything that they had in front of them, dazzled by being so completely in love and entirely alive. 

        She’d never had a big love like Jules; the closest she had to that was Sofia, and the thought of losing her was fucking terrifying, eyes narrow, feeling the weight of her words; how alone she’s felt, and she nods, “yeah, no i get it – like, sometimes you just need to KNOW someone gives a shit enough to pry when they shouldn’t – what can I say, it’s my speciality.” bringing a little light to the heaviness of it all, since it’s pretty fucking clear that Jules needed it. A hand reaching out for her friends, squeezing it gently, a physical reminder that she was HERE, and she wasn’t going ANYWHERE, before pulling her into a hug.

        Maybe she was more of an optimist than Jules; or maybe it was just the fact she wasn’t there; didn’t witness the terribleness of it all, “I guess i wasn’t there but – like, maybe she just needs time, ya know – maybe once she’d sober and shit things will work out, and if not, FUCK HER.” that was the thing about being SEVENTEEN everything felt like the end of the world; and yet, somehow the world keeps turning. “I’m your favourite annoyance.” she jibes back playfully, squeezing Jules tight, “ALWAYS – but for real though, whatever you need, i’m here, and like – if you wanna fuck off to New York or some shit, I’m sure my brother’ll let us crash in his dorm, like he has a choice, he abandoned me, it’s like the fucking least he can do,”

Jules’ arms wrapped around her, a deep breath following as she took in the embrace. A part of her entirely loathed the way she got herself stuck in the past. Nothing Jules had ever done or felt confident in felt as though she were growing. And no matter how she pushed, a part of her always felt as though she were held back. Jules was REACHING towards feeling in a way people understood, but each day proved that the adventures of high school were never that easy, people falling into their own routines without a certain rational. Even now the thoughts running through her head made her feel lost, as though if she just put more of her mind to the situation at hand, she was going to be able to understand the chaos that erupted before her.

Sometimes, it’s less about what you think you need to do - and more just doing the thing. Like, Rue’s been turning, churning, all the possible things she could say to her but… nothing comes. A blank slate that shivers with a sense of embarrassment and humiliation, and she’s had to reckon out in the last few months whether it was Jules that upset her, or the fact that she was there to listen to her AT HER WORST, or was it a combination of the two? It sits and it rots and it aches within her stomach, a feeling of discontent, which was why when she saw her there, within the pouring rain, Rue felt something clench within her ; and as Jules ran, so did she, the both of them wrapped up tight as she kissed her, like, really kissed her, the way that she always said she wanted and needed and -

- she kinda gets it now, how it bruises, it warms, it bends them to one another and leaves her weak, that, yeah it’s MESSY OF THEM, but when were they not? Half panting with the sudden rush to the head that has her trying to breathe, and, she laughs, despite the crying, the rain, it all fucking blends together. Ugly, messy, truthful. That neither of them have the sort of stickied grace that she thinks might have better leant itself to storybook reunions, or the kind she made up in her head, but, fuck that, holding her so close she barely thought to breathe, as if it might now break whatever spell they’re under.

“I-it’s okay, I get it. I fucking missed you too.” even though her sleeve is soaked, she’s wiping at her face, and Jules’ too, hopeless and hapless at once, but just, fucking so glad that she could have her near to her now, when she needed her, it felt, more than ever. Being clean was always the goal ; and everyone had made it clear that JULES WAS A DISTRACTION, for if she really wanted it, but now that she had it, why was everyone so lacking in colour? Jules had taken all of that, with her. “I’m…. I’m still sober, and…. I… d-do you wanna come in? Like, to my place?”

- @depressedinthebath

How was any of this real?

Jules was someone who lived in her own imagination, the ideas of all the different ways she would come upon Rue had rattled through her mind. So much of her entire life had been a fabrication of what her mind had decided felt right, the small and significant moments that she continuously wrapped her head around as though they could change anything by just existing And while she had invites to parties or to seeing friends, Jules had hung around inside as she found the courage again to be able to look into anyone’s eyes. That took a lot of time for her to find that confidence, and yet, at the end of the day, she felt stronger than she had in the past. For once in her life she was following her own rules, gliding along the feelings that for once she finally knew what she wanted.

That breath led her to press her lips back against Rue’s, to continue to be lost in the moment she had thought about night and day. Since the day in the theater, a part of Jules was still yearning for some sort of answer. Her mind had speculated that she had needed the space, the air to grow and become who she always wanted to be. Yet, Jules was still trapped in it all, trying to find some explanation in it all that would bring Rue back to her in the way it did now. Perhaps art and everything else TRULY had nothing to do with it.

It felt like there were some good things, and awful things that had been shaken out by her latest spiral back into drugs. How like, on one hand, she’s so much more FAR GONE than she’s ever been before. Jules tells her about mom, and how everything feels so much more personal then, and she supposes, maybe, then out of everyone… perhaps Jules really did get it. What it meant to love someone who flipped from day in and day out… the way Fez tells her once, about how she could yell ‘I hate you’, ‘I love you’, ‘you’re dead to me’… and still at the end of the day, mean none of it. Or some, perhaps. She thinks, it’s more than she meant it to, pride stinging, heart hurt. It’s funny how they’re standing here on Valentine’s Day, a day for love, and like, maybe it’s the first time she ever allowed herself to believe that maybe, just maybe, Jules meant it.

A stupid smile takes hold of her, feeling both shy, and giddy, taking her hand while they’ve got their fingers close, she dies, just for a hint of a touch. Or maybe she’s still fucking coming down off of the signs, and this is another fever, Rue’s like, not even sure anymore, and she’s sure she still looks like fucking death. “Yeah huh? I mean. I’M DOWN IF YOU’RE DOWN.” they could make a grand adventure of this yet, if she’d… forgive her. Part of her feels like, stupid and childish for wanting this at the same time as she was committing to getting clean, it isn’t lost on her, the way miss Marsha tells her that it’s not putting it first. Can’t she? Have this. Have her. “Listen, if they’re bad!! Just throw em out but like. I’ll keep. You know. Learning. Until maybe there’s a box of em where you really wanna eat it all. But thank you…” 

Stilted tongue, and stuttered words, god damn, she hates feeling this down bad for someone. Hand holding hers tighter, afraid to let go. “… my mom’s probably gonna kill me soon if I don’t go back in but like. Wanna… sleep over maybe later in the week? We can watch like, whatever movies you want and just have a chill night and forget about EVERYTHING for a little.”

- @depressedinthebath

They had both been through things that were hard to talk about, hard to put in a way that the other could UNDERSTAND, yet day by day, they seemed to push through. The two of them were surviving, pressing on in the chaos of the world they lived in with the mentality of survival and being happy. So much love went into every moment that Jules spent with Rue, the sort of sentiments that were hard for her to put into words. And yet, at the end of the day, there was nothing more that she wanted then for Rue to feel heard, to feel as though she wasn’t as alone in the world as she might of felt. That ALONE was a battle, one that she knew wasn’t just won through sentiments and kind words. 

“I dunno how else to tell you that whenever you’re down, I’m down-” the words were honest, her eyes looking towards Rue with a smile unfolding onto her lips. Sure, they were young, but she felt as though the rest of their FUTURE included them together, the two of them finding their happily ever after somewhere in the world and getting to grow within that mentality. “Rue, they aren’t going to be bad. Anything someone makes with love is like scientifically proven to be actually absolutely amazing,” the smile rose wider onto her features, head shaking side to side to the thought. “And at the end of the day, it’s the THOUGHT that matters here, okay? And you thought way more than anyone I’ve ever known.

CONTENTED ! accomplished, you rest, knowing you have earned this long sleep.