My Messy Blue Mind

It’s been a while. I feel like I’m suffocating even though I know I’m not. My chest is clenching and it hurts. Like it’s going to crush my heart. But I know it won’t. Tears streaming and I have no control over them. Shaky voice. Shaky hands. Frozen everywhere else. So many feelings within my body sending scary messages and I’m just sitting here on my sofa in a safe place with no recognizable triggers. Maybe I’ll figure it out later when my executive cognitive function returns but for now I just have to see that I’m safe and ride it out. Stomach churning. Thoughts jumping all over the place. I feel like I could sprint somewhere if I wasn’t so frozen up. I can’t believe I used to survive multiple attacks a day. Trying to put my skills in place. Like breathing. Awareness of the room/grounding. Patting my dog. Looking at her while patting her is helping. This is why therapy dogs are so amazing. My heart isn’t pounding quite so hard now and I’m so thirsty. As soon as my legs unlock I’m going to get some water.

The fall of the Soviet Union is still affecting the world. The Bolshevik communists taking Russia after the First World War is STILL effecting is. The fall out of Word War One IS STILL effecting us. The inept Russian monarchy that starved its people and sent them to war is. Still. Effecting. The. Whole. Damn. World.

So an MDE can pass. With hard work through therapy and mental health management, patience and excellent support systems you can come out the other side of an MDE a little worse for wear, feeling kind of tattered and a little hesitant to re-enter the larger word, but it’s possible.

After a decade and a half of managing my mental illness I know what a “reasonable” amount of time for an MDE for Me is. I also know what it feels like when they start to lift. Sadly, I also know how it feels when it’s going to get a hell of a lot worse before I can function again. This is what that feels like…

For the older crowd, it’s like in The Never Ending Story, how Fantasia starts to disappear as The Nothing takes over and erases everything. For the younger crowd, it’s like in Inside Out when Riley’s “Islands” all lose power, go dark and start to crumble. It’s a scary feeling that’s for sure. Because I just seem to lose access to parts of my brain that I know were there before, I lose skills and processes I’ve had for years. I feel barely any joy, mainly just darkness. Like, during my worst times but on a good day, I can probably still smile, probably still laugh, I can definitely fake a laugh. But it’s very surface level. There’s no deep sense of contentment, joy or happiness. It’s like life is a funny meme and I write LOL on everything but I’m not really Laughing Out Loud. I become super irritable. I can hear two notes of a song and it rubs me the wrong way before I manage to turn it off. This is part of what’s called misophonia and it’s exhausting. My husband breathing too loud makes me want to scream. Tv ads, well, you don’t want to hear the language that flies out of my mouth at those.

So the mood problems are unbearable enough but when my cognitive functions start to fail, that’s when it’s hardest. I struggle to form sentences. Words go missing, and others repeat. I forget my train of thought as I’m talking, I won’t just forget the point I was making, I’ll forget the whole topic. The whole conversation up to that moment. The other day I couldn’t remember if 1/3 or 1/4 was bigger. Basic adding started to get hard, like two single digit numbers, and I can usually do that in my head. Gradually I can’t anymore. Short term memory is terrible. And forgetting things stresses me out, it takes extra time, I worry what I’m forgetting and how important it might be. Sleep routine goes to hell, I become nocturnal but I’ll only be awake 6-8 hrs, so I have trouble taking meds at the right time. I live with my husband but my lack of routine becomes so off kilta I can go three days without seeing him for more than a few minutes as he goes to bed and I wake up. (He has to work, I certainly can’t).

People with mental health problems and mental illness often use their phone as a distraction from their own dark thoughts. Looking at pretty images on Instagram, funny things shared on Facebook, clever dances on tiktok, all of these things can provide a small sliver of light into the darkness of their mind. It can help soothe them after intrusive or scary thoughts. It reminds them of life outside their head and shows them beauty when they feel like there is none.

Some people might be using their phone to stay in close contact. Parents keeping in contact with children, checking on them when they’re at home by themselves, or out by themselves. Sharing a funny thought with a friend to make them smile too. Sending photos and memes and chatting. How is this something bad? Before Covid this was so negatively viewed, hopefully people now realise how helpful it can be to stay connected via phones. Reaching out when you’re isolated and lonely. Sharing your sadness and pain, helping each other to get through these crazy times.

Some people might be writing notes, ideas for poems and stories, creative ideas they want to paint or make. Looking up decorating ideas to make their house a home, storage ideas for the new baby coming. Checking the definition of a strange word they just heard or checking if a book is available at the library.

Maybe they’re searching for recipe ideas to make dinner for the family. Looking up a delicious wine for date night. Checking what new shows are streaming soon and booking in friends to watch them with. People might be ordering flowers to be delivered to a loved one, or looking through photos of their pet.

I’m not sure if these fandoms crossover much…. But the Hero episode of She-Ra and the Time’s Arrow episode have such similar vibes to me.

Madame Razz jumping around in her time warp loop (whether that’s her physical being that’s jumping or just her mind) and Beatrice’s Alzheimer’s flashes are so similar. Memories melding with reality, the confusion they feel. And how when they flash the emotions and feelings are just like they are there, as they were the first time.